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Registered: 06/08/03
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The Toaster
    #3153333 - 09/19/04 06:38 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

The Inconvenience of the Inept Toaster

Erin Blake had intended to hit the man on the back of the head with the toaster, but the assistant had swerved so it merely caught him a glancing blow to the side of the face. He compensated by swinging up with his left knee to connect with the assistant?s nose as the man brought his head down to protect himself. Erin finished by hitting the man over the back of the head with the toaster. As the assistant huddled on the ground and gave up consciousness, Erin turned and walked out of the hardware shop.

It was a colourless day, the sky a faintly glowing sheet of gunmetal that Erin despised. The air was too still, and he felt trapped by the feeling that the sky was a ceiling inches above his head. He was now seventeen minutes late for work. In three minutes, he would move from being Late to being Absent for the Morning Meeting, and need to explain his absence to his divisional supervisor. His divisional supervisor would have to file a report, including his reason for being late, the action taken and his personal view on the matter of the absence. This would then be reviewed by the divisional supervisor for absence, who would file a final verdict on the matter. Erin blamed his toaster.

The toaster was unbearable. That morning, the Erin had set the timer dial to three and a half minutes, and inserted two slices of medium cut, wholemeal bread. While the toaster toasted, Erin set out a wooden board, a butter knife, a small tub of margarine and a pot of gooseberry jam.

However, the gooseberry jamjar was empty.

Because the toast would consequently be spread with margarine alone, Erin turned the dial on the toaster from three and a half minutes to four and a half minutes, as he felt that without the benefit of the piquant gooseberry preserve, it would be sensible to enhance the natural flavour of the bread by allowing it to toast for longer. He turned the dial up by one minute.

Erin turned the dial up after approximately three minutes of toasting. It was then that the toaster performed an inexcusable error: the timer was reset, and so the toast toasted for a further four and a half minutes over the three minutes already endured. That totalled up to approximately seven and a half minutes of toasting. The toast was offensive. The charcoaled surface was unfit for inspection, let alone consumption.

Erin took the toast, the toaster and the empty gooseberry jam jar to the Electronics store.

?Good morning? he said to the shop assistant.

?Morning,? said the shop assistant, an affable, friendly looking young man. ?What can I do for you??

?I do hope you can help me. I was wondering what it is that I have done to you?? asked Erin.


?I was wondering what it is that I have done to you? You see, you tried to give me cancer, and I was just wondering what it is that I had done to you??

?What?? said the assistant, his face beginning to contort in a combination of confusion, and the certain knowledge that whatever fatuous complaint this customer had, it would, somewhere down the line, become his fault.

?Do you see this toast??

?Yes? confirmed the assistant.

?Does it look appetising to you?? demanded Erin.

?It?s a bit burnt? said the young man helpfully.

?Burnt? Yes, I suppose it is a bit burnt, as you so astutely point out. You see, this morning, when I ran out of jam? ? Erin brandished the empty gooseberry jamjar in the assistant?s face ? ?I thought that this toast would benefit from some additional crisping as it would be treated with margarine alone, and lack the benefit of this delicious gooseberry jelly. However, it was not my intention to give myself cancer.?

?Good? said the assistant.

?The charcoal man! The charcoal! Charcoal gives you cancer!? insisted Erin, amazed by the assistant?s bovine gormlessness.

?Then perhaps you shouldn't toast the bread for so long?? suggested the young man earnestly.

?Of course! Of course I shouldn?t toast the bread for so long!? shouted Erin, small flecks of white beginning to flick excitedly out of his mouth, ?I shouldn?t toast it for so long at all! But then again, when using the discarded communist bunkum you sell in this shop, the length of the toasting process is not a factor entirely within my control, is it? I would love to have jurisdiction over the period of toasting my bread receives, but you, this shop, and the makers of this malfunctioning dross have conspired to ensure that that is a power I am bereft of! Perhaps when constructing such a device, people like you should consider that consumers may want to change the duration of the toasting during the process of toasting itself! Maybe a timer that actually resets itself due merely to an alteration in the overall length of toasting isn?t the most appropriate or useful addition to a toasting device! Maybe consumers want the option of a range of toastedness, from lightly crisped to heavily baked! But maybe, and this, you cretinous fool, is the heart of the matter, maybe, just maybe, consumers want a toaster that will not turn a potentially delicious snack into a heap of charred, carcinogenic cinders!?

?I see;? said the shop assistant nervously, reading the outside of the toaster?s box, ?You changed the timer on the toaster, and the timer reset? Yes, that is a standard feature of this model, in order that people can choose exactly how much longer their toast is toasted. Or so it says.?

?That?s utterly moronic!? screamed Erin, ?I want to be able to choose total toasting time! What good is the ability to choose to toast my toast for one more minute when I don?t know how far through the toasting cycle the toast is!?

?I see your point?, said the assistant, now nothing short of terrified of this strange, adamant and incandescent man.

?Perhaps you could scrape the burnt bits off??

It was at this point that Erin attempted to hit the man on the back of the head.

And now he was late.

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Re: The Toaster [Re: OJK]
    #3153355 - 09/19/04 06:52 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

This is exactly why I stick to eating cereal.

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Re: The Toaster [Re: adamj]
    #3153362 - 09/19/04 06:56 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

without reading anything, i just have to ask, while on the subject of toastes, has anyone seen the new "cancel" button on toasters, so instead of just hitting the toaster lever up, you hit cancel... way lame

On a mission to prove that the truth gets you no where.
They tried the truth, It didn't work. Then they wrote the bible. 

Only the foolish fear the inevitable.

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