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OfflineTasty_Smurf_House
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Registered: 08/20/03
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Life is the epitome of pain.
    #2869739 - 07/08/04 07:53 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Can someone tell me what the fuck? I'm sorry if any of this sounds disjointed but I'm really starting to lose it. I know life isn't always painful, but it seems that way. It's depressing. I have fun from time to time, but that doesn't mean I'm happy. It just means I'm fucking around, having a good time. Chugging a fucking 40 ounce 9% beer in the alley last night with my friend was fucking fun, but here I am now, still depressed.

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Why the fuck should I even bother? I did nothing but realise how depressing my life is. At least if I sleep I can have some fucked up dream that really makes no sense once I wake up.

Fuck did anyone take that shit way back in school, like what people need to survive? I'm sure everyone did. There is shit like food, water, shelter, and all that shit. But there was some other thing and it was like everyone needs to be loved. I can honestly say that I feel no love. I feel like no one loves me. I feel empty inside. Just dead. I feel like I'm a shell of a person, wandering around, getting fucked up so that I have at least one thing keeping me around, one thing to amuse myself with.

What happens when it gets old? When I've gotten drunk, high, or whatever, so many times that it's just not fun anymore? Will I kill myself or will my body just collapse unto itself. I know that sounds silly, but for some reason it seems plausible. Maybe I will go sit in the corner, in my bed, or in an alley, and pine, and pine, and pine. Can depression kill you? Sometimes it hurts so bad that you think maybe it can. I wish I could be happy, but at the same time for some sick, unknown reason, I crave the pain. I love being depressed and at the same time I hate it. It's relentless and ongoing, if it's gone for a day it'll be back tommorow.

Would anyone notice if I died? I'm sure my family would notice, technically. I mean how could they not? But I question if they really care. No one here would know. The world would continue turning and I'd be rotting in the ground.

What the hell am I to do anymore? Living day to day is so incredibly excruciating, and killing myself would be so much easier. I just don't want to hurt anyone by killing myself. I don't want my siblings to be sad. But how long will that defense keep me from hurting myself? God damnit.

A huge part of my problem is that I'm so fucking alone. Right now I could be at the bottom of the fucking ocean and it wouldn't make any difference. Fuck. I broke up with my girlfriend back in February and it was an odd break up. I still loved her, but I had to break up because she was too unstable and too close to killing herself and I knew if she did and I was dating her at the time that I wouldn't have the strength to make it another day. I broke up with her to save myself. That fucking hurt. It was like being ripped away from the only person who cares about you. More people enter my life, and I want to be with them, but it never happens. I realised last night that I'll never have what I want. I'll always have to settle for less. Not everyone can have what they want and I'm one of them. Realising that there isn't anything here for me makes me wonder why I should bother to stick around any longer.


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OfflineUncleMike
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Re: Life is the epitome of pain. [Re: Tasty_Smurf_House]
    #2870242 - 07/08/04 10:13 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Boy that's some heavy shit. Depression is a green eyed monster. you need to seek help for it. I tried to handle my depression the same way you are. Guess what? it only hurt the people I loved the most and myself. Yea the drinking and getting high will get old to you. If you continue to do it your body won't let you quit. you will hate yourself even more.

you need to get help. try going to "AA" meetings. this may help you see where your life is going if you don't get help. I am recovering myself so I know what you are going through. I wish I had a magic wand to wave and everyone's pain would go away. I hope you find peace.


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OfflineCeeEssGee
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Registered: 09/29/02
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Re: Life is the epitome of pain. [Re: Tasty_Smurf_House]
    #2871057 - 07/09/04 01:19 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

I felt that way, now I don't. See my post. Don't let yourself feel this way.


--------------------
Why, sirrah, why may a caudled fillhorse be deemed the brother to a hiren candle in the night? Withal, because a candle may be greased, yet a fillhorse be without a fat argier!


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OfflineFliquid
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Re: Life is the epitome of pain. [Re: Tasty_Smurf_House]
    #2871607 - 07/09/04 03:42 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

What Captheartbeef said made a point to me, I saved the info for when someone would need it. I hope it helps.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess there are two types of people who get depression.
The first would be those with a medical problem, some kind of chemical inbalance that only prescribed drugs can help.
The second type of depression is brought on by circumstance. This could be your lifestyle, career,money etc.
I honestly believe that everyone gets depression. It takes me in waves but never lasts more than a few days. Optimism and confidence can be the hardest thing to achieve especially when pesimism is so easy. If your depression is brought on by your circumstances ,you have to try and find a way of reinventing yourself to find confidence. This takes a certain amount of arrogance.
Arrogance is not the negative tool that society makes out. Its the way that you use it that counts. If you are the sort of person that is hurt easily by what people say then arrogance is for you! Through believeing in yourself and avoiding people that make you feel like shit, you have to believe that you are the center of your own universe. I hate to sound like one of those corporation motivational speakers but I do speak from experience.

All you have to do is try to recreate the feeling you had of confidence when you got a job you wanted,realised that a girl you like also likes you. This proves to you that you can and have been happy. Its not impossible.
Then, when you have a grasp of confidence, train yourself to handle rejection.

Don't dwell on the past (there is nothing you can do to change it)
Don't dwell on the future (it hasn't happened yet)
All we have is NOW.
If you are prone to depression, stay the fuck away from Cocaine,Heroin,ecstasy(yes folks!),speed and any chemical that is manufactured . The buzz maybe fine at the time but the effect it has on you for days after, leads to depression. I speak with a decade of experience and I still see my friends going through the suicidal,midweek comedown. Shrooms and weed however, come from nature and should be taken only when you are comfortable with yourself.

I can recommend a book by Jeremy Hayward called 'Sacred world - a guide to shambhala warriorship in daily life'. Don't worry its not a boring/religious read, it will help you deconstruct your thought patterns and help you overcome negativity.
After all, negative opinions of yourself are just an illusion, a virus if you will. We all get them, we just have to learn what to do with them.


--------------------
:dancing: My latest music! :yesnod:


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OfflineUncleMike
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Re: Life is the epitome of pain. [Re: Fliquid]
    #2874053 - 07/09/04 08:41 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

This is good advice


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InvisibleGGreatOne234
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Registered: 12/24/99
Posts: 8,946
Re: Life is the epitome of pain. [Re: Tasty_Smurf_House]
    #2874495 - 07/09/04 11:33 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Hey Tasty_Smurf_House :smile:

You're not doing as bad as you feel.
-You're still here, and, you're doing a great job expressing your feelings, and, you are 'there' and 'here'.

Suicide, well it's just f.cking worthless, you know that, i do too, it's, just dumb, so, whether you keep talking about it or not, just always remember that it's nothing you'd ever want to do.

Obviously your state of mind is sh.t right now, but from the way you express yourself i can tell that your mind is not sh.t at all, you're just in the fog.
-So with that said, you should try something very difficult to do when in the fog, and try your hardest, and ask yourself and your heart (if you can feel it and see it in all the fog) What do you really want?

WTF do you really want.?

The crazy devil bitch (no pun intended) screwed with your head a bit, i can tell, because your paragraph about her was longer than all your other ones..
-You know what i think?
--I think you should call the psycho-bitch and try to screw her. lol. i'm sorry, but, she's obviously on your mind more than anything else.
Call her.

Either that, or call another girl, if you got no other girl, call the psycho that you're missing so much..
WTF does it matter. ?
You feel like killing yourself anyways, how much worse could it get. ?

That's what i have to say.

Hang in there . . . maybe one day, maybe a week from now, or a month from now, or a f.cking year from now you will be blessed with feeling wonderful again; it might not last for the rest of your life (never f.cking does), but it will feel good and you will smile and feel great again.

And if you are all lovey-duvey about some chick than just swallow all that stupid pride of yours and call her, you'll feel better, WTF else you got to do.?
-Sit around and mope and feel like sh.t!?.~?
Call the girl.
-And tell her how wonderful you've been doing. lmfao!~
--And don't mutter a f.cking word about being depressed.
I'm serious dude.

Keep shroomin,
GG


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OfflineTasty_Smurf_House
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Re: Life is the epitome of pain. [Re: GGreatOne234]
    #2880110 - 07/12/04 01:07 AM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks all for the good advice. I posted this and left to my friends shortly after. I was there for a few days. I took 4 hits of acid. I talked to him about a lot of things. He helped me out and put my life into perspective and I am happy now. I am going to make a post about it. :smile:


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OfflineFliquid
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Re: Life is the epitome of pain. [Re: UncleMike]
    #2880773 - 07/12/04 03:58 AM (12 years, 4 months ago)

It is indeed, sometimes hard to stick to it. But it's good advice.  :smile:


--------------------
:dancing: My latest music! :yesnod:


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OfflineSheepish
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Last seen: 1 month, 6 days
Re: Life is the epitome of pain. [Re: Tasty_Smurf_House]
    #2883059 - 07/12/04 07:33 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Good work man. Life is too short to get really down on yourself. I have days like that, but it doesn't last. I look at life as a rollercoater of emotions. You will not be happy constantly, nor depressed constantly (the last one depends on what situations you face in life though).
A lot of people think they are alone and that no one loves them, but they forget about their friends and their family. I've had times when I thought my friends were just using me for a ride and that I'm a 3rd wheel. It was far from the truth. I also have no g/f, but I have friendships with some amazing girls. I am closer to them than my first g/f. Plus I have my other friends that honestly care about me, and it's good to have them around. They don't judge me, play games with me or treat me like shit.
So next time you think you're alone and no one loves you, think a little deeper. We don't need girlfriends to feel loved.


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