I've had some incredible trips with psychedelics while I've also endured some extremely difficult experiences. Let me take you back to a different life I led prior to some of these experiences.
I'm 31M - stopped smoking marijuana about 3 years ago, after one of these scary mushroom trips that I had gone through with someone that I considered a friend, a brother. I would have offered my life to protect this person, up until the moment where the I discovered a massive breach of trust - a true betrayal.
Through my 20s, I smoked weed like it was going out of fashion. I crushed my job working in retail sales (getting through university) and just looked for reasons to smoke more. I've failed out of university twice due to my habit of short-term pleasure and have befriended some nefarious people along the way, although I didn't know this at the time. This friend and I smoked regularly together. I've done mushrooms about 5 times now, 2 experiences were extremely scary whereas the other 3 were either indifferent or extremely hilarious. Fucking great times.
First real shrooms experience - My buddy, will call him P, offered me earlier in the day if I wanted to do some mushrooms. He had just bought them earlier in the week and wanted to try them out. This wasn't his first time taking them. I had said no because I just didn't feel like it. Didn't really seem interested. Fast-forward to night-time at about 5 pm, we're both hanging out at his place playing some good ol Call of Duty Black Ops, Zombies. He asks again if I wanna try the mushrooms. I wait for a sec, then agree. I don't really know what made me change my mind, but I think it was just innocent curiosity about what the trip would be like. No special intention, no foresight, just someone that is genuinely curious about the experience of being high on shrooms.
We take them at about 6:15 pm but only really started to feel it at about 8 pm. It was wiiiiild beyond belief. It was just pure laughter from skull to toes. We were laughing so much that my cranium, like my skull began to hurt, in a real way. I couldn't stop laughing and crying from how ridiculous everything just seemed to be. We were playing Black Ops Zombies and just dominating these mfers. We were playing online and literally jumping off roofs while landing headshots with ballistic knives in mid-air. It was nuts. It was such a great night full of extremely positive experiences. There was one moment where I felt slightly nervous midtrip but it quickly vanished and was replaced by more intense laughter that.... still hurt like hell around my skull!
When the trip died down, we talked outside about how ludicrous it all was. But that was it. No deep knowledge, no rebirth, nothing special. Just a great moment in time hanging out with a great friend while severely pwning noobs and zombies.
It was the trip after this one where things were much, MUCH different. Skip ahead a few years, maybe a year and a half - I had just returned from an exchange trip in China where I had stayed for a year and gone to school. I was in my 4th year of university at this point. We had talked about the possibility of doing mushrooms again on and off, it was never really urgent at any point. Like a cool thing to do.
When I had returned from the trip, we were chilling one day. I saw that he was acting kinda weird so I just asked him straight up "Did you sleep with xxx"? He looked at me with the deer in headlights face and just said, "No". His words said no, his face screamed of guilt. After a week, I had called him and demanded the truth. He finally confessed after I asked again and said that he regretted it, that it was a terrible experience and that he'd never do it again. I told him that I forgave him. I didn't.
This experience tarnished our friendship forever. It ruined it in a way that it can never be whole again. It relegates the relationship to 2nd class citizen. We hung out for another few months, then we did the mushrooms again. This time with the knowledge that he had openly lied to me. And, with the knowledge that I told him I forgave him.
We got the mushrooms and this time took them with more doritos at my place. My roommate was in the other room with a couple of his friends so we opted to take them in the living but move into my room where it was just us. We took about 3.5g this time. In my mind, I had reconciled that I wanted to face my fears. This was never communicated to him at any point either before or during the trip.
We began the trip at about 8 pm. At first it was an increased frequency and intensity of laughter, I felt slightly nervous at this point, wasn't really sure what to expect. We were in my room, I was starting to get nervous, like my thoughts were just racing around left and right. It's like I looked to him for guidance on how the trip was supposed to go. As the night progressed, I became more and more frightened as I thought that the person that I was tripping with was not longer P. The dark secret was, I didn't trust him. When I stopped trusting him, we were just on our own. That was the end of us. I ended up making "contact" with another being that was being channeled through him named Loki. I confronted this thing, which essentially was the human embodiment of all my insecurities. It was P, but it wasn't his personality, wasn't his demeanor. This experience stemmed from my hidden distrust of P. Whatever it was, whether real or just a projection of me, doesn't altar the massive personal relevance that it carried moving forward.
The truth of the situation was, I didn't trust his guidance. I didn't trust him anymore after what had happened. It's like he threw away years of friendship and loyalty. He had fallen so deep into MDMA, cocaine, Adderall and other addictive drugs that he lost the line of respect. I personally didn't follow him down that path, but that night I also lost the line. It just became crystal clear and unavoidable. Kinda like a meeting with fate. No joke, that night a part of me died that night whereas another part was born. While sometimes you have to make tough calls and walk away from people who, without you even knowing, were holding you tethered down to an image of yourself that you didn't agree to.
The next day I gave him all the weed I had left, maybe 3g's. Told him that it was fucking idiotic and that I was done with it, given how much time we had both wasted. I began exercising every single day without rest and ran as though my life literally depended on it. Because it did. This trip transformed me forever. I won't ever be the same person, even to this day.
My last shroom trip was about 1 year ago. It was even worse than the last. Unknown to me at that time, I had requested an appointment with death himself, I had requested to face the most horrific aspects of myself without really knowing the true scope and intensity of what could come about as a result. After some big changes in my life, left a shit job (as one of the top performers), I broke up with a girl that I had been seeing for about 2 months, I felt like I wanted to take the plants again. My intention was vastly different this time around.
I had taken about 5g's this time around, alone in my bachelor apartment. I wanted to once again, face pure evil. Face death.
You have to understand that I sometimes have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew, and this was no exception. The first 4 hours of the trip were as though I was transported to another dimension, I listened to music that just carried me away into bliss. To this day, the music still brings me back to those feelings.Those hours of listening to music, reliving painful experiences of my life, just existing and feeling the fullness of the emotional experiences.... it was like nothing I've ever felt. At about midnight, the music ended and I thought it was time for bed.
Nope.
As I shut off my laptop, that's when the paranoia started to kick in - what if this feeling of bliss disappears with the music? Why can't I stay here forever in this feeling? The endless thought process just continued ad infinitum. It got worse, and worse, and worse, that I called my mom at 2 am in the morning literally telling her that I was likely going to die that night, and that this would probably be the last call she'd ever receive from me. I told her to call 911 because, as far as I was concerned, I was a dead man.
My speech became totally unintelligible, slurred, so much that I just started making random noises but still with semi coherent fragments in between (begging for my life), maybe every 10 seconds. My mom was on the line with me the entire time.
I remember this experience, frame by frame, moment by moment. How could I blame anyone else when I had caused it? I had asked for this to come to be, even if I was unaware of what the consequences would be. I tried to take a shower to calm myself down but nothing was working. I felt life slipping away right before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried praying, I tried wishing it all away. 911 showed up at some point.
I was trapped in pure hopelessness. It's a terror so deep, so primal, so inextricable tied to your survival instinct that it hits beyond any fear of lack for food or water. It was a real psychological compromise. I felt like the trip is all that there was, all that there ever will be. I was beyond delusional in the ambulance over to the hospital, so much so that the medics were straight up just laughing at me. I was beyond gone. Time/space/anything? Nope. Literally not capable of rational thought or emotion. I had died for approximately 3 hours and remembered every second of agony. I was drowning in hopelessness without a way out.
Arriving at the hospital they gave me an IV and just let me be in a room as I cried over and over (as I slowly came to be) to my mom about how sorry I was. I stayed there until about 6 am at which point I became sober again. I left, lost my health insurance card somewhere along the way.
The point is - I caused this. I don't sit here crying about a difficult trip. I am the literal genesis of the extreme terror and hopelessness I lived through. It doesn't mean the fear and pain isn't real, but it does means that you choose how to address them, how to integrate them into your life.
Hope these experiences help others as they venture through the vast unknown.
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