Date of Trip: 12/22/2018
Date of Trip Report: 12/23/2018
Substance: San Pedro
Dosage: 1 ½ feet
I cooked the cactus slowly, over the course of about four hours. My friend Isabel arrived at my house at 8:30 when I had just started drinking the magic juice. I offered her some, but she declined, saying she wanted to sleep tonight. We got on the bus, and almost immediately after that I began to notice profoundly the colors of the bus. I noticed the green light, and said to her:
“That green is a fucking green if you know what I mean!” We giggled at this. We were heading to the liquor store to buy cigarettes. After we got off the bus, we were walking, and the mescaline hit me in waves. I had very pleasant bodily sensations akin to MDMA, and was yawning a lot. I noticed the patterns of shadows on the floor of the street lights shining on the leaves, since it was dark. I said it was very cool, and Isabel agreed. We had many deep talks that night about our lives and relationships with other people and each other.
We stopped by Target to go to the bathroom, and I finished before her. When I left the bathroom I quickly experienced a paralyzing fear that she would disappear forever in a dark vortex and I would be alone. When she came out, I was so relieved to see her face. We bought the cigarettes from the store, a pack of Camel Reds, and I said hi to the owner. I gave her a cigarette, and we sat on a stone planter to smoke. I was noticing the mescaline was coming in waves. One minute I would be tripping, the next, I would be sober.
We talked about the kinds of music and poetry we liked. I told her, “I think you’re a really cool person.” As we walked down the street, we reminisced about how much like the beat poets we are, but I joked that I would never get published by City Lights Books. We had to run to catch the train, and when I was running I felt electric and alive. We rode the train to the subway station, and decided to walk to the reservoir by our old high school. We talked about how strange it was to grow up, move away from home (we’re both home for Christmas), and she told me about how in this city things have a way of working out. Things figure themselves out.
“There’s always another train,” I gave as an added example.
She said: “If you trust the city, it will reach its glowing hand around you and take you where you need to go.” I found that to be profoundly true, and I could visualize the glowing hand of San Francisco guiding our fates. We found a playground by the reservoir, and I went pee in the woods. And then we rode the swings and it was magical. It felt amazing. I could see so many colors, and I felt as if my mind opened, and everything was going to be okay. My mantra for trips is: “Everything will be okay,” because I have often tripped in uncomfortable and dark periods in my life, and I find the psychedelics guide me through that and give me much-needed optimism. I am moving away from home after Christmas, and I was so glad I will finally get out of my shitty home situation with my abusive drug addict brother.
We took a picture together on the swings, and then we walked to the beach. We past many Christmas lights which were pure joy and hope to look at. I felt so amazed by life. Isabel said that there was a song by Bright Eyes called Land Locked Blues that she associates with dark emotions. It came on in my playlist on my phone, and I asked if we should skip it. But she said no, and we sang along. I was coming up hard after two hours after I drank the tea. The ground was moving, and my body was flooded with sensation and mystery.
On the way to the beach, we decided we had to get some water, which I forgot to bring. So we went first to the beach, and we lied on the sand and looked up at the stars. The waves roared and beckoned, and as I lay I smoked two cigarettes and stared at the sky. It was a full moon, and it was very bright and glowing. The moon is so amazing. The stars seemed to dance with movement and color. The waves and the sand became vibrant fractals. I tried to explain to Isabel that psychedelics are on a spectrum that go from mushrooms/tryptamines being most wavy and circular, most introspective, to LSD/ergolines in the middle of wavy and fractally, and mescaline/phenethylamines being most box-like, fractally, and colorful.
“You have some mad synesthesia,” she said.
“But that’s what happens when you do this stuff,” I replied, laughing. We talked about how psychedelics really unturn every corner of your mind, revealing all beauty but also all the hurt, suffering, and trauma of the human condition and should not be taken lightly. She said she had a bad experience with acid because of the people she was around. Nevertheless, she said it was humbling and shed light on invisible social norms and quirks that she used. She said that other people were deconstructed in the way they act in front of her. I related to this.
We got up and walked to the water fountain at the train stop, walking along the planted path by the beach. We passed a mushroom, and she asked me what it was. It was a Death Cap mushroom. Amanita phalloides. She said she used to want to kill herself by mushroom poisoning, but then looked up how much of a shitty way to die that was. I opened up about my suicidal feelings that experienced most strongly many years ago. But it was like I could process that without feeling sad. We talked about my mental illness (bipolar disorder). “Many people think I’m weird, and I do do weird things sometimes, but some people really like me and think I’m cool,” I said.
“Well, you have a brain built unlike most other people,” she said. That is true. As we got on the train, she said I have a lot of charisma to people like her, but that it was mostly superficial. I don’t know what she meant by that. She said she recalls that the day she knew how awesome I was was when she mentioned Aleister Crowley and his cocaine addiction, and I started ranting about Thelema. We passed the spot where I had a bad manic episode and ran from the police with a shard of glass in my hand screaming, and I told her about it. She already knew though. I just felt like I had to honor it.
We got home to my house after walking from the train, and I ordered an uber for her. I looked in the mirror, and my God it was insane. My face lit up and shifted so much. I was coming down now though. It was past midnight. I smoked two more cigarettes after she left, told my mom I love her, and then took two sleeping pills to kill the trip and get to sleep.
When I went to bed, I felt vivid visions of Christ on the cross, and felt all his pain and suffering. I was not perturbed though. When I woke up I felt like I was still tripping a little bit! There was a very pleasant afterglow today. Overall, it was a supremely magical night, spent with a dear friend who I missed, and I’m really glad I did it. I had a great, and profoundly healing time.
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