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1 Year and still not the same.
    #2426097 -

Well, I'm not out to get sympathy here, it just make me feel better to talk about it.  A year ago my mother committed suicide. Since then my whole world changed, I'm 19 now, but man, it's different.  I'm still not the same.  Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever fully be the same person I was before.  But I guess death is just another part of life.  Unfortunately the circumstances were pretty brutal and it sometimes haunts me, making me doubt my grasp on reality. 

Anyway, thanks for listening to those of you who took the time to read this.  I feel a bit better now :smile:


--------------------
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
-- Booker T. Washington

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: DocPsilocybin]
    #2426113 -

:heart:

It is hard to respond to that man :sad:
I will just share.

When I was nine I watched my little sister die.
It hurts bad man, to this day it hurts.
but it does get better.
One thing that I am constantly amazed by people who have suffered such pain, is there ability to love is sooo large
I wont claim to understand it,but that loves power seems limitless
namaste

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: DocPsilocybin]
    #2426307 -

thats sad to hear doc and shaggy,
peace to you guys :heart: :sun:

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: DocPsilocybin]
    #2426310 -

my heart goes out to both of you

and no, you will never be the same...

you will be stronger


--------------------
"Human suffering has been caused because all too many of us cannot grasp that words are only tools for our use, and that the mere presence of a word in the dictionary does not mean it necessarily refers to something definitive in the real world"
--Richard Dawkins, "The Selfish Gene"

"It is the mind which creates the world about us, and even though we stand side by side in the same meadow, my eyes will never see what is beheld by yours."
-George Gissing

"Without a firm idea of himself and the purpose of his life, man cannot live, and would sooner destroy himself than remain on earth, even if he was surrounded by bread."
--Fyodor Dostoevsky

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: DocPsilocybin]
    #2426417 -

Whenever someone you care about passes away just know that he/she is still around, just not on your level, so just know one day you will reunite with them for an eternity so much longer than the little speck of time we call life. I'm sure the ones you care for on the other side dont want anything else than for you to be strong, be happy and live your life out in harmony. I wish you the best.


--------------------
Magic mushrooms are not addictive, the shroomery is!

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: DocPsilocybin]
    #2427357 -

  :heart:  I wanted you to know that I read and you're in my thoughts.  :heart:

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: Kremlin]
    #2429908 -

Kremlin said:
my heart goes out to both of you

and no, you will never be the same...

you will be stronger


That's a great point, Kremlin.

To the OP: I'm sorry you have to go through such a difficult time. Know that we and many people in real life are there for you, man. We always will be. Clearly, you have become stronger since the event happened. You will only get stronger. If you ever feel like talking, or need to about things like this feel free to hit me up on AIM: gdMasterg. My dad's parents abandoned him when he was around 8 and he's told me a lot of advice that's helped me. I wish you the best of luck man.  :heart:  :thumbup: :heart:


--------------------
Peace,
masterg

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: DocPsilocybin]
    #2430188 -

Doc,
I do not know if you are up for a clinical comment or not but I work with the Ill and dying on a daily basis--subsequently, I also work with their survivors. Here is my take and some ideas for recovery.

The loss of a loved one ( or one close to you ) can be likened to an injury. This injury spans the entire spectrum of ones being: Physical, Emotinal, Spritual, even Kinesthetic. Imagine if you will a seris of weblike structures extending throughout our bodies and being interconnected at many points with each other. Some of our strongest and most interconneted would be members of our family, our jobs, our pets even. Some of these connections are real time and happen every day; some are memories from our past. Many are below, or sub-rosa to our waking conscience ( like how we walk through the house and flip the lights on and off in the darkness ).

Regardless of the form of the connection; when the connection is broken it leaves an injury--and sparking wire within ourselves so to speak. If many of the connection are broken at once or they extend throughout our being, and on many different levels, the pain is hard to sometimes hard to endure.

My Guru once advised never to express sympathy to the survivor of a recently deceased as it only served to rub sand over broken skin.

So what can we do? Words are just words aren't they? An intellectual explaination doesn't stop the pain in the heart does it? Here are a few things that might help:

First: Nature hates a vaccum and will not long tolerate it--a fancy way of saying time will help with some of those sparking connections.

Second: Go ahead and mourn and much as you need to--but do it in a conscious way--and do it stone cold sober. In this way you put out your own sparking fires. Maybe you only think about two or three things you mother did for you or was to you; Maybe that is all you can stand in a days time, but that will be two or three sparks of pain less.

Third: Take stock in youself, who you are and what you are. Take the family and friends you have and pull them closer--not as a replacement for your loss but as a basis to go forward in your life.

Fourth: Try, and it is very hard to do, but try to understand loss is part of life. Many times it is just sickeningly unfair, premature, or fucking stupid. Almost no one gets far into this thing called life without the loss of someone, or a beloved pet, or a cherished job. We must look at this pain for what it is: pain. We must be ready to look it in the face in the morning or at night before bed or on break at work, but it will go away. No, you probably won't be the same again, nor should you be--who amoung us cannot remember the million things our mothers did for us as we grew up--but with alot of courage, honesty, and self-forgivenes as needed, you can transmute the pain to memories that are at least tolerable so you can go on with you life.

Good luck

Edward

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: Blackbeard]
    #2430510 -

Sorry to hear that Doc. Everyone that posted previously all made great comments. I guess I'll just add that my grandmother also commited suicide a long time ago and it still makes my mom cry sometimes. It must hurt very much, but as the others said you're stronger now, and growing.


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: Blackbeard]
    #2431511 -

Excellent advice Blackbeard  :thumbup:

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: DocPsilocybin]
    #2431606 -

I don't think anyone would be the same ever again after an experiance like that. Sounds like you need to rediscover yourself. And certainly there is something valuable to learn from this, as there is with all experiances. Let time do what it does best and those wounds will heal. But you'll always carry that scar. Maybe volenteering at a crisis center or something might help you to understand her decision. I can imagine that the "why?" question haunts you.


--------------------
Be all and you'll be to end all

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: DocPsilocybin]
    #2433842 -

Thanks guys, you've all made great replies and I appreciate them.  I think I've got a fairly good outlook to deal with things like this and I'm doing fine in my life, I've accepted it and it isn't a big issue with me anymore, not as much as it used to be anyhow.  But you know how it is, sometimes you get down and then it can bother you more than normal. 

The other day was an example, one year since it had happened..  Just needed to get it off my chest, and it helped a lot!  Thanks guys :smile:  Appreciate it!


--------------------
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
-- Booker T. Washington

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: DocPsilocybin]
    #2448059 -

i hope you live a positive life. i've seen some horrible stuff and realize it affects me today. no one would know it by the way i act and express myself, but down inside i have some problems too embarrassing to say. keep your life on track and find someone to love. it will pay off. i wish you well.

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: DocPsilocybin]
    #2448728 -

My dad commited suicide 3 years ago (I was 17.)
ITs really hard at first, but as you know, you just are forced to deal. Thats awesome you are talking about it! Thats good you are dealing with your emotions and feelings. So many times when a father/mother is lost and the son/daughter isn't matured fully, they don't know how to deal with their emotions and stuff it inside, causing them problems later in life.  again Cheers!

Peas :sun: :heart: :sun:


--------------------

Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.
It isn't more complicated than that.
It is opening to or recieving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is,
without either clinging to it or rejecting it.

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Re: 1 Year and still not the same. [Re: Jenny]
    #2449783 -

:heart:

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