Ok, this is going to get wordy, but only so I can get the best answer out of you guys. I used to grow my own mushrooms, Id done about 4 trips (1 - 2 grams each) never really saw stuff, was just a good enjoyable high. A year ago, after finishing exams, 4 of us all did about 3 grams of my own mushrooms. It was the most stupid thing ive ever done. It was a bad atmosphere (people there i didnt feel comfortable with), I was totatally stressed out and not in the right state of mind. The high hit really hard and sudden, and it made me panic. Basically, the next 2 hours were very very rough, and I think I had my first real panic attack in my life during this high. The high was just too intense and I couldnt deal with it. After I started to come down I felt much more calm and even enjoyed the physical side effects of the high. Ive always been somewhat of a hypocondriact (sp?), so during this high, I was in absolute terror that I had lost my mind and would be crazy for the rest of my life. Of course, this didnt happen but that fear and insecurity has never quite let me (that I fucked up my brain somehow). The rest of the the school year went without incident. After my spring exams, I went home for the summer. The first two nights I was at home I had what I can best describe as panic attacks. From my under standing of 'flashbacks', these were not it. I was just panicing (I am a fairly anxious person, especially socially). Of course, these panic attacks did remind me of panicking during my mushroom trip, so I was totally freaked out that I was having a flashback, or something fucked up related to that bad trip. The next morning I woke up feeling fine and the rest of the summer was great. I can honestly say I had the best time of my life that summer. In the fall I went back to school. And heres when the problems started. It was about 8 weeks into the program. (3rd year aerospace engineering) Needless to say I was extremely stressed out. And there was a dozen other things going on in my life, not to mention I was very unhappy with school, especially after having such an awsome, happy summer. So one day during class (I had to go home that day for my sisters wedding where I would see a lot of family from Europe that I dont see often - anxiety) I basically had a nervous break down. I just totally panicked. I had to leave the room and gather my senses. That was almost two months ago. Since that panic attack (or anxiety attack or nervous break down...) I have been an absolute mess. Extremely anxious, I didnt want to go to class (although being around people always made me feel better when I could relax) I was somewhat paranoid (trying to find out what the hell was wrong with me)... and basically just a shit load of fear and panic. I often fear (and panic) that my bad mushroom trip had a lot to do with this. But when I actually get a grip and rationalize it all out, I find that hard to believe. Anyway, this is a fear Ive carried with me for long enough (one year now) and I just want to let it go. Im having strong symptoms of depersonalization (which I never had before my breakdown) and im just tired of having this fear/anxiety on my mind. I can deal with the fact that I fucked my self up by overstressing my self because of school and bad life style. But when I have that thought that this is all because of my bad mushrooms trip I just fucking loose it, I feel like ive ruined my life and that I might as well give up now. Give me your opinions on this. Do you think my current situation (and nervous breakdown) have anything to do with my horrible trip a year ago. As im writting this the question seems silly to me. But its just a fear that I have and I need to hear other peoples opinions. And tell me about how you were able to let go of the fears from your own bad trips. I havent done mushrooms since this bad trip and never will, but I would be lying if I said I didnt enjoy the good ones, and I want to have a positive memory of those experiences on the whole... Anyway, sorry this was so long, but I really need your advice now!
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