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InvisibleAdden
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Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 34,132
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Is it okay to live like this?
    #1761237 - 07/29/03 11:47 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

It has been a month since I've cleaned up and gotten my act together. Four weeks of working out, watching what I eat, sharpening my reading/writing skills (English major and classes begin in a month), and strengthening my relationship with my girlfriend.

I fell off the wagon on Saturday. However, I deserved what I got. There was something I needed to figure out from the days of Old that was bugging the hell out of me. I knew I had to trip, and I knew I had to figure it out. I had the most intense, horrifying, scary, terrifying, ego-death trip. I went back to my old pals, half a box of Coricidin, and a finely rolled Garcia Vega blunt. I figured out what I had left to figure out, what was bugging me this past month and what I felt insecure about. The problem is, it happened within the first 75 minutes of the trip. The next four hours was God making me pay for my sins.

But the GOOD NEWS is, now, as opposed to the last month, I have no urge whatsoever to return to either of these (well, maybe I'll smoke some herb here and there in the future, but not until I get my studies straight). The cravings, desires, and dreams about drugs are now all gone. I don't wish to return to the life I once lived. So I'm past that.

I figured a lot of things out on my ego-death trip, and this is where the problem lies. I have always turned to creating my own literature or reading books my whole life. I am an isolated person. I have had many short-term friends (50% "drug friends"), but few (5) for longer than three years, and even fewer (2) for ten. The reason behind this, I think, is because I see the flaws in humanity wherever I go. I don't see myself as a perfect human being, because nobody is perfect. But I'm tired of getting close to people and having to deal with losing them. To save myself and everyone else the trouble, would it be okay to keep myself in select isolation? I'd be happier burying my nose in a book than getting kicked in the balls, any day. I've learned the only thing that friendships bring is regret.

Any help, please?



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OfflinePDU
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Registered: 12/04/02
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: Adden]
    #1761384 - 07/30/03 12:38 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Im sorry to say, but i agree entirely with your last paragraph, ill comment more after i have some time to think...but im kind of going through the same conflict. Actually im trying to force myself to be more social because i know its healthier from my mental health perspective. Ill be back..


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GO OUTSIDE.


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Offlinerecalcitrant
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Registered: 04/20/02
Posts: 2,927
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: PDU]
    #1762669 - 07/30/03 02:26 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I've got to clean up my act to get my schoolwork together. But its damn hard. i like the herb.

I hurt myself today, to see if i still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away but i remember everything

what have i become my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end
and yoiu coould have it all, my empire of dirt
i will let you down, i will make you hurt

i wear this crown of shit upon my liars chair
full of broken thoughts, i can not repair
beneath the stains of time the feelings disapear
you are someoneelse, i am still right here


if i could start again a million miles away
i would keep myself, i would find a way.


--------------------

We have to answer our own prayers


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Offlinedaba
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: recalcitrant]
    #1763494 - 07/30/03 06:40 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Live how you want; don't even bother asking for opinions.
It's your life after all, why do you give's a rat's ass what other people think? Live life the way you want your life to be lead.

Unless of course, your life consists of getting other people's opinions...


--------------------
Fold for The Shroomery!


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OfflineGrav
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: daba]
    #1763843 - 07/30/03 08:50 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

sounds like you are unsure of that, s2dope.

i think that's one of those things that you may never come to a conclusion with. but its always good to question what friendships mean to you.

what about the extremely positive aspects of those relationships? are those not worth having in the long run, even if shit gets messed up?


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OfflinePDU
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: Grav]
    #1763894 - 07/30/03 09:15 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Some relationships are worth having, and some arnt, i guess we just gotta learn how to pick them because lonliness will get us in the end.


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GO OUTSIDE.


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OfflinetheAnswer
helper of lesssmart people
Registered: 07/29/03
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: Adden]
    #1763959 - 07/30/03 09:45 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I didn't understand the question.


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InvisibleAdden
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: theAnswer]
    #1764070 - 07/30/03 10:32 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

would it be okay to keep myself in select isolation?




As in, does anyone else live this way, and have you found happiness? I'd imagine I'd be content with a good friend or two, my girlfriend, and my family.. but am afraid that over time, I'd grow lonely, only to fall into the endless cycle of wasted friendships that I've had in the past.


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OfflinetheAnswer
helper of lesssmart people
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: Adden]
    #1764119 - 07/30/03 10:47 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

the main problem i have found with relying on a small number of people is that when one of them leaves your company, your screwed. you sound quite similar to a friend of mine when he was on his downer after a coke binge. He isolated himself for a few weeks, and then started working out like crazy. I'd focus on somethng you like to do, or want to be, and not worry about the people at all.


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InvisibleDoctorJ
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Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,451
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: theAnswer]
    #1764808 - 07/31/03 03:07 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

man, sometimes I get ABSOLUTELY SICK OF MY FRIENDS, and I have to tell them to fuck off for a week or two.

not only does it make me happier to see them, it also makes them be more sensitive about shit like eating all my food.

my advice: reserve as much time as you can for yourself, but maintain relationships the best you can, lest you lose them and be alone...


--------------------
peace, pot, and microdot!


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OfflineTheHobbit
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: DoctorJ]
    #1765152 - 07/31/03 08:11 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I've had a few for a long time that I consider good friends, 20 year friendships, but even one of those are gone after that ass took total advantge of my help ($400 in phone calls to his woman without even asking if he could use the phone!...other shit too potentially far worse), i guess you jst never know sometimes...I think being one's own best friend is important, not in the sense of necessarily isolating oneself, but being good to yourself and creating a life for yourself in which if you are by yourself you're ok because you're happy with who you are.


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OfflineGrav
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: TheHobbit]
    #1767363 - 07/31/03 10:13 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

yea, like theanswer said, maybe your focus is in the wrong place. maybe you should focus on what you want to do in life and just let the friends fall in (or out of) place naturally.

i consider myself pretty isolated from people. i hang out with different people on occasion, but mainly only hang out with my band. (my 2 best friends) i never go to parties or shit like that... I just feel out of place around most people and I have no problem with that. im just being myself.
i would be happy to make more friends, but its not something i can force. just one of those things where you have to go with the flow and be patient.


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Offlinetrev
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Re: Is it okay to live like this? [Re: DoctorJ]
    #1767450 - 07/31/03 10:56 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

it also makes them be more sensitive about shit like eating all my food.




Heh heh... been there I find the friends who disrespect you in those ways are the ones who are better at a distance but they are still valuable in other ways. I think if you have too much time with anybody you start taking each other for granted and I think human nature is quiet fundimentaly nasty and people need to have a downside to there bad behavior (like less friends).


--------------------

Anonymous #14
[quote]There are billions of people on this planet. The world does not revolve around the united states, moron. I hope terrorists crash their collective cocks into your asshole. [/quote]


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