bentvibrato said:

Why do you feel like you might be bi/gay?

Are you attracted to a "man" or a "penis"? There is a difference.

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cez said:

bentvibrato said:

Why do you feel like you might be bi/gay?

Are you attracted to a "man" or a "penis"? There is a difference.

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What's the difference between the two?

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egoless said:

I know there are some very wise and experienced members on this site; if you all would take the time to read this thread and give a thoughtful response, it would mean the world to me. I am very distressed and facing deep internal struggles. 

I experienced the 4th and most powerful trip of my young life last night. I had previously done an eighth twice and a weak dose of lucy.

I will not go into d etail, because I am still trying to understand the whole experience, but I will do my best to summarize:

I had about 2-3 grams of cubes in some tea with a friend after fasting for a day. At first the trip seemed like a level 2, with a very awkward come up. In this come up I could not help but think of something I had been bothered by lately but disregarded. I am deeply confused about my sexuality, in particular I feel a bisexual curiosity, which has led me to feel paranoid that I could be gay. I experienced these feelings in the beginning of the trip and moved past them. I smoked a joint with my friend during the peak and the trip was catapulted into another level of intensity.

My hallucinations increased tenfold and through my recent readings of Leary's "the psychedelic experience", I experienced ego death. After this I felt extreme enlightenment and confidence. I did not want to label myself or worry about defining my sexuality, I just wanted to be me. I smoked some more bud and after about the 5th hour of our trip my friend passed out. I was still tripping pretty hard and I feel that I ascended into the awesome egoless state of consciousness once again. However I soon lost sight of this. I found myself dwelling once again on my sexuality, and facing negative thought loops about my gay-paranoia. Unfortunately this experienced until I was finally able to fall asleep...



I feel shellshocked today and after some online research realized that what I am feeling is pretty normal. However while I am recovering from my ego death, I feel almost as if the trip has left me even more deeply confused about my sexuality. I am overwhelmed by these two massive life-changing thoughts occurring in my brain simultaneously.

Now here is what moved me to post here. I got really unexpectedly high just now and I dont know if its placebo or what, but I felt almost as if I were having a flashback of the ego death experience; I felt like I was tripping again. I emerged mostly from this state frightened. I don't know if the weed is causing paranoia, but I still feel unable to fully emerge from trippy-flashback feelings.

I feel like my mind is being pulled in all different directions right now, as mentioned earlier I would really appreciate advice. Thanks guys :\

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Vahn421 said:

There's nothing wrong with being scared, and no quicker way to move through it than admitting it.

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Same thing with being gay, by the way.

And labels are unnecessarily strong, you might want to dispose of them. You can be attracted to both men and women, meaning *some* men and *some* women. This simply means you are attracted to some people regardless of their gender. That doesn't make you gay, it just makes you you. Which is precisely who you wanted to be at the height of your experience. For a little while there, you were just free of social pressure and conventions - and you experienced how liberating that feels. Try to keep this experience somewhere inside you, and make contact with this once in a while, no matter if you're gay, straight, bisexual or just yourself.

As for smoking pot the day after a powerful psychedelic experience, yes, it can bring back some of the experience. This is quite common, and you may want to try to enjoy it instead of getting scared. Sometimes it can even help you with some issues from the trip that still needed a finishing touch.

In short, relax, you'll be ok on all levels

bentvibrato said:

Why do you feel like you might be bi/gay?

Are you attracted to a "man" or a "penis"? There is a difference.

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egoless said:

Wow I did't expect this many replies. Every single one of you have been helpful and it really means a lot.

bentvibrato said:

Why do you feel like you might be bi/gay?

Are you attracted to a "man" or a "penis"? There is a difference.

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Honestly it all started after this one night I hooked up with this girl, she wasn't the most attractive and we were both very drunk, it was very sloppy and halfway through the sex I lost my erection. I was and still am almost sure that it was because of my state of mind and her looks, but there was something at the back of my mind telling me, 'what if you're just not attracted to women?'

The only other woman I have had sex with was a long time girlfriend, and a couple of the first  times we engaged in the act I had a similar problem, which I attributed to performance anxiety. However as I looked back on these experiences my paranoia only increased. It certainly does not help that my mom is a lesbian (odd, I know), something I still have not been able to fully accept. That throws me another curve ball in the sense that I could just be projecting my lack of full acceptance for my mother on myself.

The more I thought about all of this, the more I had homosexual curiosities and thoughts, especially while high for some reason. I know that as said before I need to overcome these labels and worries, and just live my life, but deep down I know that I want to be completely heterosexual. Maybe it's because I feel that this would make life less confusing, or maybe it's because I am insecure about how others view me (which I definitely am). Also likely is that my christian beliefs conflict with homosexuality. I personally do not believe that 'god hates gays' or that homosexuals go to hell, but I had accepted the belief that it should be discouraged. 

I have always been extremely nervous to talk to and approach women, and before this conflict came up that was one of the main areas of my life I was trying to improve. I feel like this could validate my attraction to women, but I now realize that I lack the ability to be confident about it. My trip helped me realize that I am not nearly as confident of a person as I thought that I was.

To answer your second question, I'm not sure. I have been analyzing every relationship in my life, male and female, platonic and romantic, and have still been unable to come up with an answer to this question. I can say that I am almost positive I am not attracted to a penis in isolation though, but then again there is that key word 'almost'.  Sometimes I feel like I am just over-thinking things and being paranoid, and sometimes I feel like I am in complete denial.  Hope this helps.

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