Bundy said:

In just a mere 5 months I will be a father to a baby girl.

Fuck man. Fuck.

I know I'm going to get flamed, but I had to get this out. I have no one to talk to about this. I can't talk to my fiancé about this. I wouldn't know what to say, or where to start.

My symptoms have been getting a lot worse ( Schizophrenia ) I haven't been responding to ANY anti-psychotics. The only one I haven't tried is Invega. Which next month I'm going to ask for. I've been on the max dose of everything else.

More delusional, more paranoid, more voices, more hallucinations.

How am I supposed to raise my baby? Fuck. "Normal" people struggle. What the hell am I going to do?

I have a great support system don't get me wrong. My family and my Fiance are wonderful.

but God. :/

A Schizophrenic raising a baby. I felt like I've let my child down, and she isn't even here yet. What is she going to think of me? When do I tell her I'm crazy? What happens if I become hospitalized somewhere down the line and she has questions? What do I tell her then?

I don't think my Fiance understands my illness. I don't think she ever will. I'm not sure if she's trying much.

I feel like the shittiest person in the world for bringing a baby into my care.

I'm so fucking retarded.

How am I supposed to do this?

Not to mention, I have lost all my emotions. I feel like I'm just an emotionless zombie.
In the beginning ( When we first found out ) the meds were working, I was hopeful, we picked names, I was excited.

Then, we found it was a girl. I offered my fiancé a smile, and it's all I could muster.

I don't feel happy or sad, or angry. Just scared. and Shame. I feel ashamed of myself.

I don't know what to do, or where to turn. Someone please... offer me some bit of support or help? What do I do? What would you do?

I've failed my daughter already. I've failed my fiancé. I've failed myself. My family. My friends. Everyone.

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Ive actually been thinking about you Bundy in my real life. I pray for you often to bro, I really feel for you. Im not gonna lie being a father is fucking NUTS.....very stressful and I have emotional problems as well. I have PTSD and there are times where I fucking just scream and get so pissed off. Sometimes it startles the hell out of my new son and i feel aweful. I feel bad that he has to watch his dad get so angry and frustrated.......but If you love your kids and are there for them, I have faith our short commings will be forgiven by them.

My last roommate snapped to psychosis (she was 27). Her and her husband were our roommates, then she snapped after the stress of relocating to Humboldt county from Florida got to her. She would get all these crazy ass dillusions, thinking me and her husband were out to get her.....and that "they" were after her and it was only a matter of time till they found her and her family.

Lots of drama, but as I watched her kids (ages 4 and 5) experiance this, they really didnt care. Kids have a very special ability to just live in the moment I guess and dont really give a shit about our worldly concerns and issues. Sadly the husband left her and now shes stuck raising 3 kids on her own (she got pregnant again after me and my wife left the apartment ) so basically she gets to raise 3 kids on her own with paranoid schizophrenia.....while her husband smokes bud all day in humboldt fucking community college chicks I try not to pass judgement but how do you respond that that.

Anyway Your symptoms are acting up dude because of all this stress. The child, the relocation, drama in your family....all this shit would make a sane man a little unstable. I have no idea about anti psychotics and whats the best way for you to handle your condition, but my roommate wasnt responding to hers either. She was on the strongest antipsychotics known to man and it still wasnt doing shit. My advice to you is to be near her or your family and try to not stress. Hope all works out dude. And dont worry about your kid, I myself feel guilty about bringing a child into a shithole like earth with all its fucking demonic type people and me and my wifes drama......But like I said just love the shit out of your kid and make sure it has some stability. Schizophrenic or not, even sane financially secure people fuck over their kids.

cateyes said:

i was in the same exact situation when my son was born over 5 years ago but between my wife, family and friends everything was always under control outside of my own illness which made it a lot easier to cope...  it was when my daughter was born 2+ years ago that i pretty much went on a mission having already read several books on what others tried on their own which helped them.  doing this helped tremendously but it wasn't until i found my two new MD's that the pieces really began to fall into place for me.  it's complicated yet very simple at the same time when you find the right MD who really understands what is actually happening. not everything worth doing is simple Bundy...  something like this requires the attention of someone who really has a grip of what is going on below the surface.  i've never tried Invega but i heard it has helped some...

PeaCe2U...


Kensho

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Ethnobotanical said:

cateyes said:

i was in the same exact situation when my son was born over 5 years ago but between my wife, family and friends everything was always under control outside of my own illness which made it a lot easier to cope...  it was when my daughter was born 2+ years ago that i pretty much went on a mission having already read several books on what others tried on their own which helped them.  doing this helped tremendously but it wasn't until i found my two new MD's that the pieces really began to fall into place for me.  it's complicated yet very simple at the same time when you find the right MD who really understands what is actually happening. not everything worth doing is simple Bundy...  something like this requires the attention of someone who really has a grip of what is going on below the surface.  i've never tried Invega but i heard it has helped some...

PeaCe2U...


Kensho

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You still on that natural medicine route? How did it work for you? Or are you back to Psychiatry?

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yeah and i'm doing very well...  i got my old job back although i'm only working part time at the moment.  i answer phone calls helping customers troubleshoot issues if they can't wait for a technician and they have qualified staff to follow instructions...  Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday or just Monday and Tuesday, it's up to me... because very few customers take advantage of this service option i spend my days reading technical manuals trying to play catch up on 8 years of technological changes...  very strange how i got my job back too...  i don't know if you believe in synchronicity at all but it has always played a role in my life, even more so now then ever before... well three events played out that prompted me to call my old branch manager just to say hi and i discovered he had moved on and when the receptionist asked me if I'd like to talk to the new branch manager something inside me said to say yes...  it wasn't a he, it was a she and she said she had heard all about me even after 8 years had past and as we talked and i explained to her what had happened to me she told me about her 16 year old daughter who has been hospitalized 3 times for bipolar 1 depressive episodes.  i gave her the names of my doctors and the improvements were so dramatic i got my job back under my terms which is good because i have a lot of catching up to do...  it's so strange how things worked out and i've pretty much come full circle now... beating mental illness is easy because they're wrong about everything... even the national institute of mental health admits there is a problem with their model now, a model that is over 40, close to 50 years old...

i'm in the process of becoming an advocate foe families of those with mental illness because i've discovered months ago it is extremely difficult to reach a schizophrenic or bipolar.  when someone shows a real interest i tell them what my story was and tell them each person is an individual... there are some similar issues but each person may have their own set of health issues that go undetected as in my case where 4 major health issues were completely overlooked.  plus in retrospect i honestly believe i had a serious case of candida but took steps on my own and cured it without ever realizing it was an issue!!! looking back i had a lot of the conventional and many of the "non conventional" 'symptoms/issues that integrative/alternative MD's recognized as signs of candida but allopathic medicine doesn't recognize.  in my opinion allopathic medicine sucks... emergency medicine and surgery are awesome but allopathic MD's are poorly trained and their education is completely corrupted by the pharmaceutical industry from day one...  and modern psychiatry is just one single step ahead of blood letting in my opinion as well as hundreds of thousands if not millions who have come before me during the past 40 plus years... i will only see an MD who is a member of ACAM or NCCAM now if i ever see one outside my new circle... i hate modern psychiatry to such a high degree and hole allopathic medicine in contempt on so many levels.  i just had a series of heart tests done very recently and a nuclear test shows i have thickening of the heart wall that didn't exist years ago when i had similar tests done due top me having mitral valve prolapse at that time i was  just being placed on psyche meds...  a friend sent me an email after we were talking one evening and they discovered, they meaning researchers, there may be a strong connection between or ssri's cause a thickening of the heart wall muscle in men who were on ssri's... they do these clinical studies that last months at best but they have no clue to the long term consequences of these medications.  i talked with someone yesterday who was put on haldol for her schizoeffective disorder...  haldol is old school but it's side effects are well known as well as it's action... these new atypical antipsychotics are turning out to be disastrous metabolically speaking, zyprexa being one of the worst.... 

anyway, enough of my typical rant...

i see you have PTSD... i'm not sure exactly what your trauma was but there's a great book if you truly experience the physical experience of PTSD and the book teaches you strategies top quickly come to terms with it... the there's also the linden method which has worked for a good number of people i've come to know...

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences by Peter A Levine


Linden Method Anxiety Recovery For Anxiety, Panic Attacks, OCD, PTSD & Agoraphobia...


The Linden Method: total Freedom Frpm High Anxiety States of Mind~~~ Depersonalization and Derealization can be cured fast!


Kensho

c1dh3d said:

Don't try to take care of someone else before you can take care of you. I have a family member boarderlining complete crazy, with a kid he doesn't want, and has no idea what to do with.

For the sake of yourself and your child, take this time to get yourself ok before your a father figure, cause if you pile problems on top of problems your going to have to dig your way out - and right now my family member is trying to get his kid out of the way so he can stabilize himself.

This is one thing in life you should not half ass, but you comes before anyone else, you cannot take care of anyone until you can take care of you. "Being there" or not.

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Ethnobotanical said:

c1dh3d said:

Don't try to take care of someone else before you can take care of you. I have a family member boarderlining complete crazy, with a kid he doesn't want, and has no idea what to do with.

For the sake of yourself and your child, take this time to get yourself ok before your a father figure, cause if you pile problems on top of problems your going to have to dig your way out - and right now my family member is trying to get his kid out of the way so he can stabilize himself.

This is one thing in life you should not half ass, but you comes before anyone else, you cannot take care of anyone until you can take care of you. "Being there" or not.

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You live in a fantasy good sir. You have to keep in mind babies are raised by "humans" humans who are already fucked up from THEIR childhood, and have so much stress simply trying to survive in this Chaotic random existence on planet earth.

One way or the other these kids will bitch about something in their teens, they will easier say.....Dad was never there :wrists: OR Dad had some emotional issues, but at LEAST he was there.

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You have an interesting point, you could either :wrists: it, or choose to embrace life.

I think your a cool dude, and I'd like to continue seeing you on here, so lets keep that :wrists: shit off the table as an option and get you geared up to raise a kid.



You only get one life man, people die every second on this planet, don't live like a fucking lamb. Pick yourself up and move forward, every inch you can, until your heart stops.

boner soup said:

Your fiancé doesn't know what you're going through (with your schizophrenia)? You guys seem close.

Seriously, though..you should be talking to her about this stuff, not us.

Not to say we aren't here for you, but I think it would be more productive to goto her.

Good luck, Bundy.

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We are very close, we always have been. But when I talk to her about it, all she says is "Sorry" and goes on and talks about something else.

I'm going to write her a letter right now and leave it on her pillow. Sometimes when spoken words don't work, written ones do. So I'll try that.

This is all just so fucky.