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A budding alchemist.
    #15130554 -

Well last night I had my third dose of libs this season, and after taking an average of about forty for each of my first two sessions, I wasn't expecting a lot from the twenty I took for my third dose. This was a good thing as I was sitting someone for their first trip this season and I wanted to be in control of the situation.
  I had not slept in over twenty four hours, and had been yomping in the peaks, probably covering about twenty kilometers or so. My intention was for us to take a small amount in tea, then I would spend a couple of hours with my dependent for the night and then go to bed about three hours in.
  This all went to plan, but what I was not expecting was, that when I went to bed, exhausted and craving some sleep, I started having this intense internal dialogue, something I have not experienced while tripping for about five years. This brought to light a lot of my own negative habitual behaviour, it's effect on those close to me, and what appeared at the time to be clear solutions. There was also a moment when I felt like I let go of a lot hurt I had accumulated since losing my girlfriend.

What I'm struggling with now is; Today I still feel like a weight has been lifted, the problems it brought to light are still prominent in my thoughts and the corresponding solutions, but whether it be apathy or lethargy, I have lost the motivation to take the action necessary to correct these issues.

Can anyone help ?

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Brainstem] * 1
    #15130561 -

Spend all your time high on the drug.

Hope this helps. :heart:

Oh and read my sig.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Icelander]
    #15130594 -

' Spend all your time on the drug ' is never good advice. :nono:

Your sig is at one with all, and relevant to all.

  Maybe I just need to be patient and allow this shit to be integrated, but I was certain I would take some sort of action today. Now the same inhibitions are still there, but at least the seed and the need to try to fix these things has been sown in fertile soil, and I don't doubt it will grow.

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Brainstem] * 1
    #15130622 -

I was kidding. If you want to change your life then struggle to change. That's all there is.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Icelander]
    #15130624 -

:confused:So you don't Hope it helps ? I'm confused... :lol:

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Brainstem]
    #15130639 -

What is "it"?  Now I'm confused.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Icelander]
    #15130683 -

:heart:

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Icelander]
    #15130690 -

stealth edit
Icelander said:
I was kidding. If you want to change your life then struggle to change. That's all there is.


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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Brainstem]
    #15130692 -

To struggle is to juggle adversity is it not ?

‎' Sweet are the uses of adversity,
Which, like the toad, ugly and venomous,
Wears yet a precious jewel in his head;
And this our life, exempt from public haunt,
Finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,
Sermons in stones, and good in every thing. ' ~ Shakespeare (As You Like It)

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Brainstem]
    #15131303 -

Do you not have a goal of wholeness, perfection, or, as Casteneda would say, "impeccability?" All of these things are about "a man of knowledge," whether you see yourself as a sorcerer, magus, gnostic, jnani, scientist, or as an alchemist. All of these terms refer to someone with a path to a goal. It sounds like you're floundering about, neither doing anything for your own development, or your "dependent's," but simply trying to see, what could be. Despair? Despondency? Depression? Delinquency? Dumbfoundedness? Death-anxiety? Where's the liberty from the Liberty Caps?  :shrug:


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Icelander] * 1
    #15132214 -

Icelander said:
I was kidding. If you want to change your life then struggle to change. That's all there is.


This. I don't know how you expect your life to change if you don't have the motivation to fix it. Magic? :shrug:


--------------------

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #15132701 -

The mushroom just gave me a clearer perception of my flaws and in particular some things that are possibly keeping me from creating a path to that ' Goal of wholeness ' you mention, I'm so fucked up (technical term) and it's the result of how I've lived the last four years and maybe even longer.
  I probably had little idea what I was looking for, but this rediscovery of this particular mushroom state is a good place to start ime. This level of experience is where I had spent most of my time on mushrooms in my early twenties, usually cubensis and usually low doses. I mistakenly thought, before last night, that what I needed lay in the high dose state (level 5).

Desperate ? Yes
Despondent ? Yes
Depressed ? Yes
Delinquent ? Not that I am aware of.
Dumbfounded ? Yes
Anxious of my own mortality ? Of course.

  What are you getting at Markos ?

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Brainstem]
    #15132711 -

Psychedelics are very good for this type of introspection if you are stable of mind and body.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Icelander]
    #15132871 -

Finding a consistent route to this state would be beneficial, in my earlier use of P.cubensis it was as simple as coming home from work, munching 5-8 fresh mushrooms and taking a hot bath. This ritual was very reliable and regular sessions of this kind helped me to reconfigure my behaviour in a positive way.
  With regards to my physical and mental stability, my councilor expressed a concern (when told of my use of psychedelics) that I may have a psychotic episode and harm myself. I have never intentionally done this in the past, and although I have, as you know Icelander, considered suicide, the consideration and the act can be a million miles apart. Maybe my understanding of what a psychotic episode is, is a bit skewed.

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Brainstem]
    #15133140 -

Interesting, I almost made a post about this a few weeks back.


See about 2 years ago I had a similar trip, and a similar desperation to do something before the impact of the trip was gone.


I went to a buddhist group and I went to a psychologist and they recognized what I had seen on that trip but they had no real solutions.


Like everything the impact faded away and life went back to normal. About 2 months ago some stressful stuff went down at work, and without going into details, it was the exact kind of situation that my trip 2 years ago was about. What was so interesting was that I acted in the way that my trip made clear that I should act, yet I was not thinking of the trip or the general subject, only thinking about the exact situation I was in.


Now I'm not saying do nothing, the more you can do the better. Major events in our lives have obvious immediate effects on us but they also have subtle effects that can play out over a long time.


As I get older these subtle but long lasting effects of life events are easier to see and it is very interesting because this is happening at the unconscious level, so it is informative about the unconscious. It is very interesting to watch how the unconscious fears and desires can be subtle shaped through time.


As to your present situation I would just suggest doing what you can, for there is no magic solution it is a struggle and even when you succeed its never quite clear how exactly the success came to be.

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Freedom]
    #15133264 -

Thanks Freedom, it's obvious now that this is going to taken a bit of time. The solutions just seemed like they would be simple to apply while under the mushroom cloud, I should know better.

  I kept coming back to the need to remember as much as could and maintain the level of motivation and will that was driving me. To aid this I decided to make some notes, the first of which was meant as a sort of key phrase to reactivate this mindset and read; " The rediscovery of something lost can sometimes far outweigh anything new", this alluding to my earlier introspective trips. This is the true reason I value mushrooms, they force enable me to confront address  my self on a deeper level. 

  With this kind of introspection, the post trip integration is just as significant as the insight gained. I  think also that rather than relying on one trip to magically alter my outlook and change my ways, a trajectory can be plotted using these introspective dialogs and post trip contemplation, what do you think ?

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Brainstem] * 1
    #15134545 -

Brainstem said:
The mushroom just gave me a clearer perception of my flaws and in particular some things that are possibly keeping me from creating a path to that ' Goal of wholeness ' you mention, I'm so fucked up (technical term) and it's the result of how I've lived the last four years and maybe even longer.
  I probably had little idea what I was looking for, but this rediscovery of this particular mushroom state is a good place to start ime. This level of experience is where I had spent most of my time on mushrooms in my early twenties, usually cubensis and usually low doses. I mistakenly thought, before last night, that what I needed lay in the high dose state (level 5).

Desperate ? Yes
Despondent ? Yes
Depressed ? Yes
Delinquent ? Not that I am aware of.
Dumbfounded ? Yes
Anxious of my own mortality ? Of course.

  What are you getting at Markos ?


All springboards into Liberation. All forms of suffering that can be ameliorated by the removal of obstacles. You're the only one holding you back. Psychedelics only give you a look. It's up to you to live up to your vision.


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #15134640 -

That's very true, and there was a bit of a sideline going on during this trip. I kept needing to urinate and when I was going into the bathroom there was a smallish spider in my bathtub that attracted my attention. Now I have a fear of spiders, and after being warned by my councilor about the risk of having a psychotic episode I was curious to see if I could initiate some sort of psychotic response. As an experiment, and a way of testing myself I would try to force myself to pick the spider up. Four or five times I tried this without success, either in causing an episode or holding the spider. The closest I got was placing my hand flat a couple of centimeters away. Eventually I rescued the spider from the bath on a piece of card, and placed it on a plant. This act started me thinking about my fears and whether an assertion of will could be enough to overcome an unwanted reflex to certain stimulus or unhealthy habits.

  The removal of the spider also brought something else to my attention, that I could remove the object of fear and concentrate on the motives behind the fear and ways to overcome  them.

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: Brainstem]
    #15137424 -

The removal of the spider also brought something else to my attention, that I could remove the object of fear and concentrate on the motives behind the fear and ways to overcome  them.


Good for you! In stages, it's called Systematic Desensitization. You did well. Therapists start with pictures, then viewing at a distance, then closer, and only finally making contact.

Like lots of people, I don't like arachnids. I used to have a middle school girl who'd show up in group counseling with her pet grey tarantula, which she'd approach me with. I did, for the second time in my life, pet a tarantula, but I wouldn't hold it and have it sense fear and sink its fangs into my hand. If it's not a Black Widow, a Brown Recluse, or a scorpion, I just have aversion, but not fear, but I don't have a true phobia either.


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself

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Re: A budding alchemist. [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #15137848 -

I thought this experiment with the spider might be considered irresponsible, and expected you to suggest this. It just seemed like an interesting experiment, I don't think I have a phobia either, but if there is one on the ceiling above my bed when I'm going to sleep, it has to go.
  I also thought that I might be able to apply this technique to my other bad habits, which I think are fear or aversion based, and thanks for "ameliorated", great word.

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