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Poem for Creative Writing Class
    #12011871 -

For my creative writing class... :biggrin: this is my poem  :levitate:


:yinyang2:
Kundalini Awakening
Staring at the incandescent tub, the water temperature scorching
I dip in my feet but my nerves send a warning
The ripples reflecting geometric patterns
My mind being driven by the lackadaisical captain
My skin simmers and takes on a pinkish pigmentation
My mind fights with a divine contamination
Trying not to stare at the nothingness everywhere
The music copulates tastefully with my ears
Sitting, waiting, contemplating
Quieting my consciousness as the universe does the fating
Dancing smoke of nag champa surreptitiously enters my lungs
Mind falls deeper into consciousness as it starts speaking in tongues
Dopamine flooded my brain or was it serotonin that played the game
Either way, I became blissfully insane
Relax, I tell my myself- this is only the beginning phase
I soon fall deeper into the purple haze
I see myself dying on the hospital bed
Breath, blood, body, mind-  purging all thought until my head is fed
Losing all connection to those I love
My chest breathes like a thousand ice blue doves
Grabbing onto my chakra- twisting and pulling
Oh my- so beautifully chilling
My spine is twisted bent on an angle
The voices I hear echo and dangle
The water dissipates from my chest
Like magic a vacuum surrounds my breast
Dreamy colors play on my eyelids
What’s left of ego continues to bid
I open my eyes sickened and nauseous
An empty black hole of the divine conscious
:yinyang2:


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Edited by Istigkeit (02/11/10 10:18 PM)

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Re: Poem for Creative Writing Class [Re: Istigkeit]
    #12011896 -

Quote:
The water dissipates from my chest
Like magic a vacuum surrounds my chest

This part is a little awkward cause of the double use of "chest".

Quote:
Dancing smoke of nag champa surreptitiously enters my lungs
Mind falls deeper into consciousness as it starts speaking in tongue

Think you meant "tongues"

Just a few minor things that stuck with me.  Overall it's quite powerful imagery, fluid language, and I can relate to the experience to which the words point.  Well done! :cheers:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”

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Re: Poem for Creative Writing Class [Re: Lion]
    #12011909 -

Lion said:
Quote:
The water dissipates from my chest
Like magic a vacuum surrounds my chest

This part is a little awkward cause of the double use of "chest".

Quote:
Dancing smoke of nag champa surreptitiously enters my lungs
Mind falls deeper into consciousness as it starts speaking in tongue

Think you meant "tongues"

Just a few minor things that stuck with me.  Overall it's quite powerful imagery, fluid language, and I can relate to the experience to which the words point.  Well done! :cheers:


OMG! Thank you! I didn't see I used chest time! :laugh2: I will change it- one second!


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Re: Poem for Creative Writing Class [Re: Lion]
    #12011921 -

Is it weird if a guy uses the word breast to refer to his chest?


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Re: Poem for Creative Writing Class [Re: Istigkeit]
    #12011944 -

In the traditional English of poetry it's perfectly acceptable, but in this modern "No Homo" era some immature kids will probably laugh when you read it out loud.


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”

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Re: Poem for Creative Writing Class [Re: Lion]
    #12011952 -

Lion said:
In the traditional English of poetry it's perfectly acceptable, but in this modern "No Homo" era some immature kids will probably laugh when you read it out loud.


QFT

I changed it- what do you think? Should I go with this or breast?


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Re: Poem for Creative Writing Class [Re: Istigkeit]
    #12011971 -

LOL it sounds really weird this new way.  I would use "breast".  Or try to work some other cool -est word like crest in there.


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: Poem for Creative Writing Class [Re: Lion]
    #12012034 -

Lion said:
LOL it sounds really weird this new way.  I would use "breast".  Or try to work some other cool -est word like crest in there.


Fixed. What do you think. :shrug:


--------------------

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Re: Poem for Creative Writing Class [Re: Istigkeit]
    #12014255 -

Anyone else have any thoughts or opinions?


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Re: Poem for Creative Writing Class [Re: Istigkeit]
    #12014518 -

Real good brotha
But be careful putting that on here. I have no idea how your school works but during my last year of HS, teachers started making us go to www.turnitin.com(to check for plagarizm)
Hence, your poem would show up used.... and on a psychedelic forum:sun:

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Re: Poem for Creative Writing Class [Re: stickfigure]
    #12014544 -

Read the terms of conditions of turnitin.com.

Basically your work becomes their intellectual property.

Fight the system, fuck your professors, take it to the dean - I did.

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