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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9230791 -

Ratci said:
Don't worry, they're just being mean to me because they're sad they didn't make it into my "sexiest" threads XDDDD

At any rate, here's "the thing"--  The college didn't offer me a prompt OR ask for any particular word count. All it says is

Personal Statement:

And then there's a box for text *shrug*

I figure lots of people are going to talk about their idols, or their problems, or how awesome and smart and helpful they are. I'm not really interested in selling myself like that, but I figured that sharing a sort of life-lesson could be good =D I just wanted to do something a little different.


Here's the thing, word count doesn't necessarily matter as what they are looking for is for you to be as concise as possible while still conveying your message. In terms of the content you have written, if you like your essay go with it, however I would def not recommend you use what you already have. The purpose of the personal statement is for you to convey to them what you want to do with your life, why you want to go to their college, and what you will do with your education once you complete it. They want you to tell them how you are going to improve yourself, others around you and the world with your achievements from the education you will have received. I just think the content is off base a little and it does come off as a bit OCD. Aside from that the writing wasn't bad, just rewrite with more pertinent content.

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: kay62105]
    #9230818 -

lol i bet she expected everyone to be like OMG thats the most :awesome: essay ever! omg!

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Hefe]
    #9230828 -

Quote:
lol i bet she expected everyone to be like OMG thats the most :awesome: essay ever! omg!




:rofl2:


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There is nothing worse than a sharp image of a fuzzy concept - Ansel Adams<img src="https://files.shroomery.org/smileys/heart.gif" alt=":heart:" title=":heart:"/>

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9230893 -

Ratci said:
Don't worry, they're just being mean to me because they're sad they didn't make it into my "sexiest" threads XDDDD




Do you ever think before you post?

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: kay62105]
    #9230896 -

kay62105 said:
Quote:
It's not "not what I wanted to hear." Monkeywrench certainly didn't tell me what I WANTED to hear, but I listened to him, because what he was saying to me was constructive.

They're just purposefully being mean to me because they get off on it.


They're mean to you because they get off on it? no that's what OTD is for.

Most of them said they are not trying to be mean, just being honest. It didn't seem like you were listening to any ones advice becuase all you said was the criteria for the essay.


I fucking hate that BS. They're purposefully being mean, and everyone knows it.

If they were trying to be honest, they'd say something constructive.

Not "wow u suck lolol"


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People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9230926 -

Quote:
I fucking hate that BS. They're purposefully being mean, and everyone knows it.


I dont BS, that's how I took it.  I relate the thread with its topic and what was said in it, i think intellegent people offering advice would do the same.  Don't say I'm bullshitting if you dont know. your assumptions are childish.  You're getting mad because they criticized your writing, so you think everyone is being mean because of your other thread.  Stop flattering yourself!!!:crankey:


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There is nothing worse than a sharp image of a fuzzy concept - Ansel Adams<img src="https://files.shroomery.org/smileys/heart.gif" alt=":heart:" title=":heart:"/>

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: kay62105]
    #9230956 -

kay62105 said:
Quote:
I fucking hate that BS. They're purposefully being mean, and everyone knows it.


I dont BS, that's how I took it.  I relate the thread with its topic and what was said in it, i think intellegent people offering advice would do the same.  Don't say I'm bullshitting if you dont know. your assumptions are childish.  You're getting mad because they criticized your writing, so you think everyone is being mean because of your other thread.  Stop flattering yourself!!!:crankey:



I'm not interested in fighting with you about this because it's obvious neither of our opinions on the matter will change.

I am interested in receiving CONSTRUCTIVE criticism on my essay.


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People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9230962 -

here i'll give you what you were looking for...


that essay was soooo deep! omg! :awesome: sooo insightful and profound! wouldn't change a thing!! welcome to college!!!!

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9230963 -

I don't understand what they asked for... :confused:

My honest impression of this piece is that it is just self-absorbed thinking transcribed onto the computer.  There's nothing wrong with it but IMO it is not something many people will enjoy reading.  There is nothing in it for anyone else to identify with.


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Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Hefe]
    #9230973 -

Hefe said:
here i'll give you what you were looking for...


that essay was soooo deep! omg! :awesome: sooo insightful and profound! wouldn't change a thing!! welcome to college!!!!


Again: I'm interested in constructive criticism. Not in being flamed or made fun of.


--------------------
People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9230983 -

shouldnt the essay be longer? have you taken your SAT's?  i think thats all you have to do i dont remember having to write an acceptance essay...

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: AliceDee]
    #9231003 -

Quote:
I'm not interested in fighting with you about this because it's obvious neither of our opinions on the matter will change.

I am interested in receiving CONSTRUCTIVE criticism on my essay.


Ok, now we are getting somewhere, and I'm not saying this because of any grudge or bad feelings.  Your asking for advice and i am giving you IMHO my advice.

Start over, relate more to other people in your essay.  I write a lot, mostly for fun and I love to read, but I would hate to read about someone saying they find meaning in everything but obsess over a piece of jewelry for a long time.  You started off great in your first sentence, but the story you chose to back it up makes no sense, you contradicted yourself.  What makes you, you might be that but I'm sure theres more to you than OCD.  Please take our advice and try a different angle


--------------------
There is nothing worse than a sharp image of a fuzzy concept - Ansel Adams<img src="https://files.shroomery.org/smileys/heart.gif" alt=":heart:" title=":heart:"/>

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9231007 -

Admin: This user has been previously warned and now temporarily banned from this forum for flaming and trolling.  Now I'm not saying that all of the criticism is unwarranted, but one must find a way to get their point across without flaming the user or repeatedly bashing them.  In other words, quit being an asshole.  And if you must, keep it in OTD.

wtf more are you looking for?

this thread is chock full of constructive criticism, your head is just too far up your ass to see it.

come back when you're 18

Edited by geokills (11/12/08 06:59 PM)

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9231011 -

Ratcl, there is some constructive criticism in here. 

Simply put: what you wrote isn't typical of a college application personal statement.

List your academic strengths, why you want to go there, what you plan on studying, why you want to study it etc.


--------------------
...the whole experience is (and is as) a profound piece of knowledge.  It is an indellible experience; it is forever known.  I have known myself in a way I doubt I would have ever occurred except as it did.

Smith, P.  Bull. Menninger Clinic (1959) 23:20-27; p. 27.

...most subjects find the experience valuable, some find it frightening, and many say that is it uniquely lovely.

Osmond, H.  Annals, NY Acad Science (1957) 66:418-434; p.436

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: AliceDee]
    #9231012 -

No, writing an essay isn't necessary but it is highly reccomended. Especially for me, because I only have a 2.8 GPA and even though I killed the SATs I feel I need some help with that shit GPA


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People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9231029 -

Hefe said:
come back when you're 18


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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9231060 -

also i really doubt any college will take you if you dont know the meaning of "constructive criticism" :rolleyes:

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9231066 -

your gonna need a bigger shovel cause the hole your digging is getting deep


--------------------

blankk said to fee:
btw you're a total fucking psychedelic pimp
Turtletotem said:
I want to become a sun worshipper, so next time an atheist smugly asks me where god is, I can point smugly at the sun and laugh my ass off.

Then I drive away in my solar powered piece of shit car, cool stuff man.

And then I go kill a bitch because the flaming orb in the sky told me to do so, and I don't know, oppress a few minorities here and there in the name of nuclear fusion?

Religion is fun.

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: fee]
    #9231206 -

Common Application

Try using a prompt from there. Don't talk about yourself and how your insecure. If you are going to use a personal experience atleast relate it in some way to college life or skills that can help you throughout your time spent there. Elaborate on your sentences, write something longer. Overally if I was a essay examiner I wouldn't even consider you for admittance into my college. I don't want to hear about some 18 year old girl with problems. You sound weak and don't present yourself as mature. You generally don't seem ready for any part of college just by this essay. This isn't a self reflection it's your chance to show your mature, ready, and willing to make big strides in your life by bettering your education.


--------------------

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9231798 -

The first paragraph says nothing about your propensity for perceiving meaning - it shows that you are superstitious.

Cut the detailed description of the ring. It's enough to say you were enamored with it.

Overall it has no substance and is way too touchy-feely. Your premise is that you learned a lesson in emotional development. However, you didn't really give any arguments to support it. You just described the change symbolically via the ring.

Really that's a pretty grand claim to make; just, Bingo, I flipped the ring and learned to accept all my faults and those of everyone else. I doubt it; that's a long process. I would choose something much more specific to demonstrate.

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