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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9228862 -

So when they requested the the essay, how did they do it?  How did they describe what they were looking for?

Anecdotes are typically fine for self-reference letters, but evidence of mental instability, failure in relationships, and obsessing over the way you wear your expensive jewelry may be counter-productive. The exception is if you are applying for a gem cutting college, in which case,you still don't want to paint yourself as a crazy person,even if it's true.  They'll find out soon enough (I know what I'm talking about here) once you get your foot in the door.. 

I Know some people who have been through the local gemcutters' program and are rather rich and even-tempered.  Good luck.  Tell us what your potential School asked for, and we'll help you write it.  In its current state, the letter resembles a troll attempt or hoax.  Seriously, the literate among us can help, and the illiterate among us can help too.

That's why I love these forums.  Literacy isn't particularly important 100 percent of the time.  I've had MBA holding subordinates in the past who could rarely type up a proper business e-mail.  Everyone needs a good editor sometimes.   

Edited by monkeyheaven (11/12/08 09:13 AM)

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #9228881 -

AroundtheSon said:
seriously, do not send this to anyone besides an anonymous forum. you can thank me later.


she asked for help, i helped her as much as i could without totally changing the essay :smile:

we don't know what her prompt was. maybe it's asking for something like this?

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9228920 -

Ratci said:
Well I do have OCD =P


you try waaaaay to hard..

are you trying to get into a communtity college with that paragraph?

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9229016 -

You want to paint a picture of yourself as smart, mature, disciplined, creative...

I'd take out references to mood rings, asking boys out, ace of heart cards...

It's well written stylistically, but the subject matter of how quirky and cute you are, while it might make your parents and your fiance smile, isn't going to appeal to an admissions committee.


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_______________________________________________________________
namaste said:
no flamz in da ODD, if you got nothing to contribute then keep yo lips zipped
_________________________________________________________________

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Noviseer]
    #9229054 -

just refine and you'll be fine.


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[quote]skalthren said:
It's nice of you to imply that I've been brainwashed by the government, but the truth is that I'm simply intelligent enough to recognize the subtleties of these issues instead of going "durr hurr, weed should totally be legal!"[/quote]

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9229206 -

Like others have said. These things usually have fairly specific prompts. Makes sure to cover the points that are given in there. I am actually trying to write my university admission essay right now, its due by the end of the month but i kept putting it off because of the pressure of making this the best essay ever.


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/ / / / / / / LISTEN TO MY MUSIC: E X E D / / / / / / /
The universe gives no fucks. And takes no fucks.
May His Circuits Ever Function

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: The_Ghost]
    #9229288 -

I think if you posted exactly what the college was looking for, we'd be able to help you out a bit better.

As well, keep an eye on your grammar, no contractions in essays and no bracketed asides.  Be sure that you have hit your word count, too little and they won't even bother reading it, and too much and they will stop once they've hit the word count.


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~Earth is the Insane Asylum of the Universe~

A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9229408 -

there is virtually none of that that any college admissions staff member would want to read, at least not on the basis of admitting you into their college


most of what you wrote isn't even concrete, it's silly delusion and coincidence you built up in your mind as fact


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channel your inner Larry David

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: blood4blood]
    #9229769 -

this thread made me lol

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9229773 -

This is what you're presenting to get into college?

Good luck, you're going to need it.

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: adrug]
    #9229827 -

I'd suggest at least a semester or two at a community college. Honestly you couldnt make it out of even the most basic college level composition class writing like that.

I dont mean to insult you or anything, we all have to start somewhere. The only way to improve is by first understanding where you are lacking.


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The Prophecy!

Learn To Code

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9229851 -

computer says no

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: blewmeanie]
    #9229858 -

blewmeanie said:
I'd suggest at least a semester or two at a community college. Honestly you couldnt make it out of even the most basic college level composition class writing like that.

I dont mean to insult you or anything, we all have to start somewhere. The only way to improve is by first understanding where you are lacking.



actually, she could.  in a lot of our writing classes, we would review our classmate's papers as groups, and i've actually seen a lot worse than that, and they made C's or D's


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channel your inner Larry David

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: demiu5]
    #9230480 -

Don't worry, they're just being mean to me because they're sad they didn't make it into my "sexiest" threads XDDDD

At any rate, here's "the thing"--  The college didn't offer me a prompt OR ask for any particular word count. All it says is

Personal Statement:

And then there's a box for text *shrug*

I figure lots of people are going to talk about their idols, or their problems, or how awesome and smart and helpful they are. I'm not really interested in selling myself like that, but I figured that sharing a sort of life-lesson could be good =D I just wanted to do something a little different.


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People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9230577 -

Quote:
Don't worry, they're just being mean to me because they're sad they didn't make it into my "sexiest" threads XDDDD


Yeah I'm sure that's the reason, because there's no way what you wrote could suck!:rolleyes:

No one cares about the sexiest thing, this is a completely different thread and they are giving you their opinion and advice.

Don't reject it because it's not what you wanted to hear.


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There is nothing worse than a sharp image of a fuzzy concept - Ansel Adams<img src="https://files.shroomery.org/smileys/heart.gif" alt=":heart:" title=":heart:"/>

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9230600 -

I had to write a personal statement to get into university. My grades weren't exceptional, but I got unconditional offers from 2 of the best universities (excluding Oxford & Cambridge) in the UK. I think this is largely down to the confidence I displayed in the interview and my personal statement.


--------------------
"I only ever hope to reach equilibrium, in Nature's matrix, in line with the meridian" ~ Jehst

:sun: "...and I know that I have to keep breathing, as tomorrow the sun will rise, who knows what the tide will bring?" :sun:

Free Spore Ring Europe
Send any spare spore prints you might have and help the distribution :grin:

Open Source. Freedom.  GNU/Linux

Addicting is not a word.

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: kay62105]
    #9230748 -

kay62105 said:
Quote:
Don't worry, they're just being mean to me because they're sad they didn't make it into my "sexiest" threads XDDDD


Yeah I'm sure that's the reason, because there's no way what you wrote could suck!:rolleyes:

No one cares about the sexiest thing, this is a completely different thread and they are giving you their opinion and advice.

Don't reject it because it's not what you wanted to hear.


It's not "not what I wanted to hear." Monkeywrench certainly didn't tell me what I WANTED to hear, but I listened to him, because what he was saying to me was constructive.

They're just purposefully being mean to me because they get off on it.


--------------------
People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9230749 -

:ban:

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Cepheus]
    #9230751 -

If you want to have a look pm me :laugh:.


--------------------
"I only ever hope to reach equilibrium, in Nature's matrix, in line with the meridian" ~ Jehst

:sun: "...and I know that I have to keep breathing, as tomorrow the sun will rise, who knows what the tide will bring?" :sun:

Free Spore Ring Europe
Send any spare spore prints you might have and help the distribution :grin:

Open Source. Freedom.  GNU/Linux

Addicting is not a word.

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Hefe]
    #9230781 -

Quote:
It's not "not what I wanted to hear." Monkeywrench certainly didn't tell me what I WANTED to hear, but I listened to him, because what he was saying to me was constructive.

They're just purposefully being mean to me because they get off on it.


They're mean to you because they get off on it? no that's what OTD is for.

Most of them said they are not trying to be mean, just being honest. It didn't seem like you were listening to any ones advice becuase all you said was the criteria for the essay.


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There is nothing worse than a sharp image of a fuzzy concept - Ansel Adams<img src="https://files.shroomery.org/smileys/heart.gif" alt=":heart:" title=":heart:"/>

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