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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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My college essay, plz to help revise?
    #9228705 -

I love to find meaning in every little thing. When I found an Ace of Hearts card on the ground after having met a cute boy, I decided to ask him out the next day (and it ended well). When I decided that my favorite number was four, I started keeping the television’s volume at a number divisible by four for good luck. It’s this sort of attitude about the little things that caused my promise ring to be able to teach me a fundamental truth about life.

  It’s a princess cut pink sapphire set in white gold, accompanied by a single .8 carat diamond on each side. It’s simply beautiful. But a few days after I began to wear it, I realized that one diamond was just the slightest bit bigger than the other.

  This really, really bothered me at first. In fact, it bothered me so much that I was considering paying a rather large amount of money (at least, considering my budget at the time) to have it fixed. But, after a while, I decided against it, and instead began to use the diamonds as a charm—I began deliberately wearing the smaller diamond facing the inside (closer to my thumb), as I had begun to feel that it represented my weaknesses, which I wanted to hide.

  This was a continuous habit for a very long time. Whenever I removed my ring, I never forgot to check which way I was putting it on—I needed to protect my flaws from being seen.

  This was around a time when my fiancé and I had been having some serious fights. They’d come every day and last for hours, and they always seemed to be about the same things. It was one of the most frustrating things I’ve ever experienced.

  But after a while, I realized that the attitude I had towards my less desirable traits was, in fact, part of the problem. I tried to separate myself from my emotions; I tried to hide my true self from others to seem stronger. When we fought, I pretended that nothing was wrong even when everything was. But I realized that I was actually weaker for this. I realized that I needed to face up to my own problems before I could better myself, and if I wanted help I was going to have to let people get close to me.

  After that, I started wearing my ring the other way—to show that everyone has weaknesses, and that I shouldn’t be ashamed of mine, but rather make the best of them, and to show that I shouldn’t try to keep people out, but welcome them inside. It sometimes seems dangerous to let people see your dark side but I’ve found that such closeness with another person is, by far, worth all the risk.


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People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9228720 -

I really like this essay. It's well written and I love how it ties up in the last paragraph. It's a great story of trouble and triumph...

I don't really have any suggestions. It's a bit short, but I don't know your requirements and all that.

Sorry if I'm not helpful.

Otherwise :thumbup:

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9228721 -

this a 500 word or less short essay? 474 words and very choppy.  You crammed a lot into very few words that didn't allow for a smooth transition.


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[quote]skalthren said:
It's nice of you to imply that I've been brainwashed by the government, but the truth is that I'm simply intelligent enough to recognize the subtleties of these issues instead of going "durr hurr, weed should totally be legal!"[/quote]

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: monkeywrench]
    #9228726 -

Oh, I'm sorry, I was under the impression that college essays were supposed to be somewhat short? I mean, if I wrote a really long essay, it's like ten times more likely that whoever is reading it will merely skim over it without getting the full effect whereas if I express a lot in few words they'll get more of the point

I just tried to keep in mind that the people who read these probably don't enjoy it very much =P

Monkeywrench-- transition from what to what?

optyks-- tyvm =D


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People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9228732 -

let me begin by asking why you're writing this essay.


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[quote]skalthren said:
It's nice of you to imply that I've been brainwashed by the government, but the truth is that I'm simply intelligent enough to recognize the subtleties of these issues instead of going "durr hurr, weed should totally be legal!"[/quote]

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: monkeywrench]
    #9228739 -

Um alright =P I'm writing it to get into college of course! =D


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People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9228752 -

right.. I get it.  I realize that you're trying to impact the reader with your "life lesson" but it comes off very OCD and schizo.  I like your story but I'm not trying to cull through applicants.


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[quote]skalthren said:
It's nice of you to imply that I've been brainwashed by the government, but the truth is that I'm simply intelligent enough to recognize the subtleties of these issues instead of going "durr hurr, weed should totally be legal!"[/quote]

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: monkeywrench]
    #9228777 -

Well I do have OCD =P


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People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9228778 -

Not a bad essay. The paragraphs could use some fleshing out and the transitions are a bit lousy though. Was that an answer to a specific question with a set word count?

If I remember correctly my entrance essays were 750 to 1,000 words, but that is pretty low for college standards. The shortest paper I've been assigned this year was 8 pages.

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: JT]
    #9228780 -

Would you maybe like to provide some examples of where and how I could use some better transitions? =]


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People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9228790 -

have you been screened for obsessive-compulsive disorder?:shrug:

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #9228791 -

guess I should have read the other posts. lollers

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #9228793 -

XD

I'm fine though. I have a very very very very small case, if you could even call it that


--------------------
People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. --Albert Einstein

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #9228795 -

you are writing this essay in order to compliment your entrance exam scores, HS-GPA and volunteer-ism so as to stand out.  Blatantly giving away the fact that you have behavioral problems does make you stand out.

in answer, it's false that you love to find meaning in every little thing. oh and it sounds too cutesy- that shit works on a bb but not w/ the examiners.  I'm not knocking you but just "KEEPIN IT REAL"


--------------------
[quote]skalthren said:
It's nice of you to imply that I've been brainwashed by the government, but the truth is that I'm simply intelligent enough to recognize the subtleties of these issues instead of going "durr hurr, weed should totally be legal!"[/quote]

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9228796 -

It's kind of lacking in depth.  Try to elaborate on various points.  For example:  "But, after a while, I decided against it" Why? 

"But I realized that I was actually weaker for this. I realized that I needed to face up to my own problems before I could better myself, and if I wanted help I was going to have to let people get close to me."  What led to this realization?  Stuff like that.  Try to take things deeper.


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The human experience is such that we are caught between being monkies and gods.  It is up to us to decide which direction to go in.

Everything is everything, and everything is becoming itself.

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #9228797 -

AroundtheSon said:
guess I should have read the other posts 


Ratci says:
I guess you should've read the other posts  I guess you should've read the other posts  I guess you should've read the other posts  I guess you should've read the other posts  I guess you should've read the other posts  I guess you should've read the other posts  I guess you should've read the other posts  I guess you should've read the other posts  I guess you should've read the other posts  I guess you should've read the other posts  :rofl2:


--------------------
[quote]skalthren said:
It's nice of you to imply that I've been brainwashed by the government, but the truth is that I'm simply intelligent enough to recognize the subtleties of these issues instead of going "durr hurr, weed should totally be legal!"[/quote]

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: Ratci]
    #9228821 -

I love to find meaning in every little thing. When I found an Ace of Hearts card on the ground after having met a cute boy, I decided to ask him out the next day (and it ended well). When I decided that my favorite number was four, I started keeping the television’s volume at a number divisible by four for good luck. Everyday objects, things that you are often just too busy to notice, can offer incredible insight if you give them a chance.

It’s this sort of attitude that caused my promise ring to be able to teach me a fundamental truth about life. It’s a princess cut pink sapphire set in white gold, accompanied by a single .8 carat diamond on each side. Some people would consider it beautiful, I know I do. But few could find meaning in it deeper than love, friendship or commitment (stereotypes widely accepted in society). With the help of a fatal flaw in its design, however, I bore witness to a revelation within myself that would change me long after I removed the ring from my finger. Who could have guessed that discovering one diamond was smaller than the other could offer such insight into my life?

To be honest, though, I was pretty annoyed at first. To find a flaw in something you have invested so much in is is not an easy thing to cope with. In fact, it bothered me so much that I was considering paying a rather large amount of money (at least, considering my budget at the time) to have it fixed. But, after a while, I decided against it. Whether it was from seeing my reflection is its many etched sides or my general feelings of pessimism at the time, I don't know, but the stones began to take on a greater meaning to me.

I began to use the diamonds as a charm, deliberately wearing the smaller diamond facing the inside (closer to my thumb), as I had begun to feel that it represented my weaknesses, which I wanted to hide. This was a continuous habit for a very long time. Whenever I got out my ring, I never forgot to check which way I was putting it on. I needed to protect my flaws from being seen.

In my defense, it was a turbulent point in my life. My fiancé and I had been having some serious fights. They’d come every day and last for hours, and they always seemed to be about the same things. It was one of the most frustrating things I’ve ever experienced. But after a while, I realized that the attitude I had towards my less desirable traits was, in fact, part of the problem. I tried to separate myself from my emotions. I tried to hide my true self from others to seem stronger. When we fought, I pretended that nothing was wrong even when everything was. But I realized that I was actually weaker for this. I realized that I needed to face up to my own problems before I could better myself, and if I wanted help I was going to have to make fundamental changes in my life.

After that, I started wearing my ring the other way - to show that everyone has weaknesses.  I shouldn’t be ashamed of mine, but rather make the best of them. This was to show that I shouldn’t try to keep people out, but welcome them inside. It sometimes seems dangerous to let people see your dark side but I’ve found that such closeness with another person is, by far, worth all the risk.
------------------------------------------------------

Feel free to disregard the changes, it's just what I would do.

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: monkeywrench]
    #9228822 -

Are you honestly going to include this in a college application?

Don't most applications ask for some sort of statement of purpose? (e.g. why you want to be accepted to college) rather than random ramblings?


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...the whole experience is (and is as) a profound piece of knowledge.  It is an indellible experience; it is forever known.  I have known myself in a way I doubt I would have ever occurred except as it did.

Smith, P.  Bull. Menninger Clinic (1959) 23:20-27; p. 27.

...most subjects find the experience valuable, some find it frightening, and many say that is it uniquely lovely.

Osmond, H.  Annals, NY Acad Science (1957) 66:418-434; p.436

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: JT]
    #9228825 -

and it ended well.. what ended?  and we're to be married (date)


--------------------
[quote]skalthren said:
It's nice of you to imply that I've been brainwashed by the government, but the truth is that I'm simply intelligent enough to recognize the subtleties of these issues instead of going "durr hurr, weed should totally be legal!"[/quote]

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Re: My college essay, plz to help revise? [Re: JT]
    #9228857 -

seriously, do not send this to anyone besides an anonymous forum. you can thank me later.

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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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