maybe its just the time of year, but i am having a lot of the things found in the subject line haunt me lately... it's pretty persistant, too. i'm trying not to be a drama queen here... i mean i generally deal with this shit pretty well... i drag my ass through the day to day, but never really find true acceptance or peace in anything.
i smoked pot a lot for a while, which helped me deal with it... it made it easier to stay in a sort of denial state where i didnt have to acknowledge how i felt most of the time. but eventually this led to the same feelings while smoking daily, and then i started to feel crazy for medicating with medication that doesnt seem to work.
so i stopped smoking, and for a short while things were better because of the contrast... now everything has gone back to the way it was... i cant feel much joy or enjoyment unless im caught completely offguard by unexpected events. anything that i premeditate at all seems very unsatisfying... so much so that i dont even bother to do the things i think of because i know how unsatisfying they will be. (that even includes smoking pot now that its not a regular habit)
im not really looking for answers... im sure no one has any. i know all about the self help methods... i generally persist upon myself to eat very healthy, though that has dropped off now that im in this funky space again.. so i guess i could say i eat healthy sometimes, a lot more than i used to atleast.
and i know about yoga and meditation and all that. i know about self expression, and i do my fair share of it. it's just that it doesnt seem to make a difference. and i don't seem to DO a lot of these things because its so hard to find the motivation when im feeling the various states described in the subject...
i know that this is the average american's syndrome.
i know that most people have adjusted to it even, and have somehow allowed these feelings to create a hardened shell of jaded acceptance... but i cant even seem to come up with that, because i want to much to maintain myself as an open person at the same time.
i cant close down, and i cant stay open. i'm caught in the middle, fluctuating like mad, endlessly.
i guess i was just wondering how everyone else deals with this... is it just "do something that makes you forget about it for a while" over and over and over again? that's what most people i know seem to do.
fuck it. i'm sure many of those who can relate will flame me and make fun of me, because their jaded, hardened shell exteriors have been designed to reflect just this sort of thing.
but i thought id try this anonymous bullshit, just for the hell of it. nothing else works... might as well try the whiney emo bitch route.
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