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AHHH mothers
    #8541513 -

So I'm living with my parents for a couple of months, and my mother and I have been having some issues. She is a bit controlling and emotionally needy, and I have become more aware of this, and don't want to play her games anymore. So when she tries to control me or treat me like a child instead of giving me the space to be independent, I usually ignore whatever she said. She wants a lot of approval and for me to behave and interact with her however it is that she wants. So when I don't do that, she considers it a personal attack. So in just a few days, she has become very worked up over how "critical" I am with her, how "hostile" I am with her, how "intolerant" I am with her, and how I "simply don't accept her".

I just had a long talk with her about why she feels that way, and it seems as if she is having intense emotional reactions to things I say and do that seem pretty innocent to me. Maybe I am being more critical and unfriendly than I realize, but to me it honestly doesn't seem that way. It's true that if I don't like something she says or does, I'll mention it, but I do so with the hope that the way we relate will be able to grow and improve.

I don't know what to do. Do I pretend that everything is great and perfect and wear a smiling mask that is responsible for meeting some unmet emotional need of hers? Do I keep on maintaining some degree of my own autonomy, which in this case seems to create a lot of intense emotional reactions with her?

I'm at a bit of a loss - an outside perspective would be helpful, though do keep in mind that this post is just my point of view.


--------------------
"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"

"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer

Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: dblaney]
    #8541530 -

It's their house. If you don't like it move out and quit harassing the poor people.


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"A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: Huehuecoyotl]
    #8541563 -

That definitely seems like a good long-term solution for dealing with issues that arise in relationships. :rolleyes:


--------------------
"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"

"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer

Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: dblaney]
    #8541572 -

i think this addresses some of your questions.


Edited by sleepy (06/19/08 05:38 PM)

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: dblaney]
    #8541682 -

Look. Adult children living with parents = that sucks. To be arrogant enough to use up their resources and then bitch about them is phenomenal. This coming from a parent with adult children.


--------------------
"A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: dblaney]
    #8541704 -

but if thats the situation that exists, its best to make the best of it dont you think?

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: Huehuecoyotl]
    #8541741 -

We're only living together for a couple of months. And I don't think I'm bitching...I'm trying to change what I see to be unhealthy aspects of our relationship, and that involves acknowledging problems, not trying to sweep them under the rug.


--------------------
"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"

"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer

Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: dblaney]
    #8541775 -

Work on becoming more accepting of them.  You can only change yourself.


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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: dblaney]
    #8541946 -

Quote:
to behave and interact with her however it is that she wants.


This is what we all want, including you.  Your post indicates that you would like her to interact with you the way you want.  I doubt that her personality traits are unfamiliar to you, assuming that you grew up in her house.  Why would you expect her to be different when you move back home? 

My mother has many of the same traits, and the only way I've been able to effect any change was to state clearly that I would not continue to relate to her on her terms.  Of course, I was living independently at the time, so I could actually have followed through on my declaration, had she opted to continue various neurotic behaviors.

She is who she is, and she evidently does not see any reason to change.  You can state your case until you're blue, but it is unlikely to convince her to alter her behavior.  Either make nice, avoid her, or manage to accept that her behavior is just her way of trying to be connected and happy.

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: Veritas]
    #8542028 -

Hey, stopped reading once I got here.  'how "intolerant" I am with her, and how I "simply don't accept her".'

Because you wanting to be independent it almost sounds like what she views of you is actually what should be applied to her.

She's not willing to accept the fact you are independent. Personally moving out is probably the best choice. As you stated it's not getting better. She thinks you're just getting more angry with her.

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: zootroid]
    #8542143 -

You probably won't believe this but from what I can tell from my own little investigation I was convinced I was a retard by my mother, and acted very very stupid for a great deal of my life. Unbelievable but I figured it out yesterday.


--------------------

Wherever the hero may wander, whatever he may do, he is ever in the presence of his own essence — for he has the perfected eye to see. There is no separateness. Thus, just as the way of social participation may lead in the end to a realization of the All in the individual, so that of exile brings the hero to the Self in all.

joseph campbell


For, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.

jesus

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: burgatory]
    #8542154 -

burgatory said:
You probably won't believe this but from what I can tell from my own little investigation I was convinced I was a retard by my mother, and acted very very stupid for a great deal of my life. Unbelievable but I figured it out yesterday.


wow dude, if thats true, just forget about it and move on.  ya gotta love her

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: burgatory]
    #8542813 -

I'm sorry that brought a smile to my face. Atleast you figured it out man.

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Re: AHHH mothers [Re: dblaney]
    #8543704 -

dblaney said:
So I'm living with my parents for a couple of months, and my mother and I have been having some issues. She is a bit controlling and emotionally needy, and I have become more aware of this, and don't want to play her games anymore. So when she tries to control me or treat me like a child instead of giving me the space to be independent, I usually ignore whatever she said.


But you are not independent.  Until you can move out you have to put up with her quirks.  It's a great opportunity to practice compassion.  Try and figure out what it is she's really looking for, and don't be a hardass about it.  This is your mother, of all people.

Quote:
Maybe I am being more critical and unfriendly than I realize


This is a good place to start looking at your own behavior. Is it really a maybe? You're not going to be able to change her, so if you want your interactions to go more smoothly you will have to change the way you respond to her.  It doesn't matter who you believe the reasonable one is.  Coldness, aversion, resentment... don't let it get that far.


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Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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