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Burned Out
    #6961463 -

I went to the zoo a while ago and saw this brown bear just pacing up and down his pathetic stretch of "land" as a robot.... no doubt asking

Why
Why
Why

I suppose I am sleepy, un-enthused, without any purpose or meaning whatsoever. I have an entire summer in front of me.

I have to vacate my apartment this weekend.

I will have to live with my parents if I can't find a roomate.

I sabotaged my grades last semester and will have to re-take a class. My parents don't know that.

I feel dull, slow, lethargic. No drugs have been used to create this state. I feel burned out. Sleepy. I want to sleep all day. I want to be in the dreamstate forever. I don't want to wake up.

I want to sit in meditation all day long but then my body gets antsy and wants to do something other than sit.

The only thing I have to do is to sit in meditation all day long or practice martial arts.

I am locked in a box called a house. They are evil inventions which cause one to breathe a lifetime's supply of stagnant air and get no sunlight. Yet, I am not capable of living out in the woods somewhere.

A compromise is to simply go walking outdoors and I will do that soon I think.

My family are all junkies of the Matrix. Not a nice thing to call them. I am perhaps aloof from any social activity. I do not tend to feel any emotions for people. I felt strong emotion yesterday while thinking about a powerful song and it made me cry.

I imagine myself being able to cry with the most beautiful artistic kindred spirit, sharing the beauty with her.

The only goal I had was in fact to create this scenario. Now I don't care. I even did magick rituals..... and they made me not care.

I'm just sitting here a bump on a log and my human body is a burden and it's an illusion but damn try telling yourself that when it wants food, or exercise, or touch..... or anything at all....

I feel like reality is pushing me to be a monk and that I have no free-will.

I want an escapee. I want that muse. I want that kindred soul. A feedback loop. We leave this fucking carnival joke and see what the REAL world is, we travel.... we live..... we are a live.

I live but I am not alive, I am sleepy. I have to be the highest one in this household where everyone else is consuming too much poison (soda pop is a vile poison, television is nonsense)

I watch my mom and the TONES she exhibits because of her work. She doesn't know that you can change the tone in your voice and change your attitude, and be relaxed and carefree instead of being stressed. She doesn't know.

I may wind up teaching them all something. I may not.

My drugs have told me I am an orator, a teacher, a writer, perhaps a musician, perhaps a martial artist. They have shown me that I am locked in a prison cell. That all of reality is the composition of boxes based not upon sacred geometry so that the human being loses his soul.

Industrial society is a killer of the soul.

I went to an elementary school and the children were confined in this stupid little box called a classroom and they were only first graders! Already the conditioning is deep. They all pledged allegiance to the flag, and they don't know what the pledge means. Fluorescent lights overhead.... this world is ugly.

It is not based upon sacred geometry. Our structures have bad feng shui.

No doubt our material excess is a blessing but more people seem lifeless in this abundance than our meager and imaginary perception of them in the past dictates.

We need compromise.

and I need compromise.

And I try to write myself a great future. Create great things. I get this Kingdom of God vibe sometimes, so grateful, thanking the cosmos for what I am creating..... but I NEED IT IN THE PHYSICAL PLANE

To hold a lover in my arms, only to wake up alone.........

Right ?

This is all the melancholy slow slothy bullshit, and all of it needs to go. It is intolerable to be like this. I'm not sure what to do though.

I can never have the relationships I am looking for from the window of an electric box. Yet because of this box I possess knowledge so contradictory to American normality that I am further and further alienated.

Each and every one of us are meant to be as vibrant and full of life and vigor as a starry eyed radiant God in a playground of psychedelic wonders always perpetually new. The child we came here as.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (05/24/07 12:44 PM)

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Re: Burned Out [Re: leery11]
    #6961546 -

I keep coming back to this vicarious life....... it has so little to offer me .... I don't know why I am here.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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Re: Burned Out [Re: leery11]
    #6961974 -

I hear ya...

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Re: Burned Out [Re: leery11]
    #6961982 -

I hear you man, LOUD and CLEAR. I know this story all too well, because it is also the story of my life. Living in this captivity has turned me schizoid as well, leaving me dull and lifeless. Now, I see the futility in everything I do. Our amazing powers of observation and insight into the situation which we call our lives has corrupted our thinking. Where do we go from here? There's no where to go. We are trapped inside, with no where left to hide, and society is closing in at an increasing fast and furious pace.

I suspect there are many others out there too who secretly feel like this but yet continue to accept the matrix as it is. What can anyone do about it though, really? We were all born into this mess, being taught our whole lifes to conform. And for those of us who don't want to conform and join the rest of the heard we are cast out as outsiders and usually end up as the loner hermit types as a result, which is pretty much what I've become since I don't want anything to do with this society anymore, and people for that matter too since they are the ones who constructed this sickness of destruction.

And like you, I can get lonely. I long for a female companion, that one special person who brings out the best in me and I in her. I've thought about it long and hard though and I know that the chances of finding what I want are slim to none, but I haven't completely given up hope yet. That's about the only advice I can give you here, is never give up hope becuase if you do then you're dead already.

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Re: Burned Out [Re: aloofiam]
    #6962027 -

Psychedelics has turned me like this... but i think about it and would i eventually come to this conclusion on my own?

I think i am a better person because of the psychedelics but sometimes you wonder if you never took them, would you ever see the world you see today? Or would it be just some sugar coated place every day?

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Re: Burned Out [Re: Liquidkick]
    #6962047 -

I often wonder that too, but then again I've always thought psychedelics have just brought out what's already there to begin with, just on a more intense level of understanding.

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Re: Burned Out [Re: aloofiam]
    #6962063 -

psychelics didn't make me this way they just elaborated and amplified what i had already learned through internet ...

internet made me this way :smile:

i've only done them hardly ever, LSD once, and it gave me absolute confirmation that everything in life, every single standpoint an ego can take to say "I exist" and "this is that" is WRONG and absolute freedom can be had in each footstep you take, meanwhile we build monuments to lack of mindfulness, craving, lustful desire, all these things that shun out the eternal cosmic energy of the present moment

step, step, step...... man it's all a dream isn't it.....

i knew it, but i hadn't experienced it lucidly yet.... and the one thing it really told me was THIS IS A TERRIBLE ENVIRONMENT WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF

but i'm not quite sure how to listen other than to keep faith in my dreams.

we are so stupid humans, we could have entire cities constructed where the only means of transportation is footpath through dense foliage and lots of great great amazing aesthetic beauties where the GOOD of our technologies are woven in seamlessly with nature but no that won't make a buck


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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Re: Burned Out [Re: leery11]
    #6962073 -

leery11 said:
I keep coming back to this vicarious life....... it has so little to offer me .... I don't know why I am here.


I've struggled with this question as well and got no where with my answers. I spent literally a year of self exploration trying to figure out just what and the hell I am doing here wasting my time, and the deeper I dug the more lost I became. I'm learning now not to question things and rather just accept them the way they are. I came to realize that there are no answers to the really big questions in life, things just are.

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Re: Burned Out [Re: aloofiam]
    #6962195 -

i really don't want to jump through circus hoops

my life has had no meaning other than that i have lived it

yet the quality denotes that only roughly ages 1-7 were worth living.

16-21 have been an effort at repairing 11-14

but throughout all of it is just this silly game

jump through hoops young circus clown

good

good

here are your peanuts, don't you love your pretty cage?

and that is why i got so sick of college because i didn't have a vision

YEA i'm gonna be a pscyhologist, that gives me love and passion and vitality and joy to pursue

nope........ it's more like "well i dunno, i'll just study it for the sake of it"

the same line of "well i am supposed to do this" that led to me being in college is the same that leads to me being about to graduate and having no sense of vision

and i feel like people have dictated to me

my parents aren't controlling at all but something about it just made it that i didn't pick up this spark that made me think

yeah i wanna do this
yeah i wanna do that

and this and that will give me a purpose but what

the first noble truth is deep ... life is suffering, why endure it if not for a grand release, for a grand rapture, for reunion with the loving arms that saw us into this world ??????

what am i here for ? I am the one who defines...... i consider myself yogi. I want to go to an ashram. I want my lover...... I want the woods.... a creek...... congenial loving kindness, eradication of the media from my life........

nirvana

i want nirvana and bliss and peace .

we come in pure but the world is filthy. i want that purity.

i'm not sure that i have any meaningful relationships at all either, at times i think, well at least this friend is really good, but then at times it's like

i never spend any time with him

and it's like

urmmmmmm people don't spend time with one another! it's so fucking stupid as if time is money. what a lie........ we're so busy jumping through the circus hoops that we don't love one another ? or am i cynic?

in so many ways i have it close, the stillness, the silence, but it is configured right, the pieces in mundane physical reality are not configured right.......

me in my apartment on acid fretting that i can't go outside on drugs, then realizing that this is a slave program and going outside ......

reality has us in these damn boxes that are prison cells but tells us to call them home.

it's all in interpretation and it must be wrong to say these things but i feel like i am lacking something

and it's like the internet can give me real life? nonsense.... but the internet is the best expression i have....... internet author... for free...... just typing hoping for resonance but the resonance you get from this place

is devoid of touch.

the more i accumulate knowledge about these things the more alienated i am. now that i know tv is mind control and the government aren't our saviors i ..... how do i interact with those ?

Edited by leery11 (05/24/07 04:26 PM)

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Re: Burned Out [Re: leery11]
    #6962259 -

He wore a song around his neck
Like some medal of honor
He carried his wisdom like a knife
An empty pocket was a temporary chain
Knowing you've got it coming
Ain't no crime

Every blue note that rolled off his tongue
You could feel his soul twisting right in two
Nobody knew where he came from
Ah but everybody knew, everybody knew

He was the real thing
No doubt about it
The kind that you remember when they're gone
The real thing
Put here for a reason
We knew someday the whole world
Was going to know his name
He was the real thing

She whispered in his ear, and he heard the thunder
Singing 'bout a world he never knew
Head spinning round, he began to wonder
Was he made to love her, or born to sing the blues

He searched inside him for an answer
But all he found was a troubled mind
He left her somewhere on the blue highway
Oh it wasn't just another love that he left behind

It was the real thing
No doubt about it
The kind that you remember when it's gone
The real thing
Not like passion's fire
But a burning, smoldering, eternal flame
It was the real thing

And sometimes at night he longs for her whisper
But he hides from the dawn, 'cause he always wakes to find her gone

In some broken down dressing room in some major city
The thunder plays an old familiar tune
He spies a face of a distant angel
Outside, beneath the halo moon

Finger on the trigger, needle in the vein
One more bullet, it might be your last ride
This is ain't no no-show, this ain't no nervous breakdown
And it sure as hell ain't the time to let the fool decide

This is the real thing
No doubt about it
Who cares if they love you and you're gone
This is the real thing
So you were put here for a reason
But what gives you the right to quit when you're tired
Anyway boy, this ain't no game
This is the real thing

He wore a song around his neck
Like some medal of honor
He carried his wisdom like a knife


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”

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Re: Burned Out [Re: Lion]
    #6962511 -

Feeling your thoughts until...

"we are so stupid humans, we could have entire cities constructed where the only means of transportation is footpath through dense foliage and lots of great great amazing aesthetic beauties where the GOOD of our technologies are woven in seamlessly with nature but no that won't make a buck"

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Re: Burned Out [Re: MycoCakeEater]
    #6962650 -

eating butterscotch candies destroys all this

i wonder what is going on, if i have a caffeine withdrawal

where this fatigue comes from.

the candies fix it for a while.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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Re: Burned Out [Re: leery11]
    #6963067 -

Who are you angry at? Disappointed?

At God, yourself? Your family for making your character... name and attributes?

Theres the easy way out and the hard way out... neither of them involve suicide..

Your pain is a product of your imagination. Overindulgence... too much time staring at a bright screen. It fucks with us.

I have a new cellphone ive thought about for 30 hours straight... and I have a good life outside of it..

Having the things you want doesn't change shit. I think...? I dont know im just a character like you. But heres some kind of resonance.

Trees, forest, genuine people and all that shit... you think a yogi is much better off than you? Very well maybe, but maybe not.

This is all philosophy, and that is what we look for, maybe moreso after lsd, and all this shit that fucks with our neuro-entrails. Buy a book by plato... he asks the same questions you do... dali llama... whatever, they're like a shroomery member with 100,000 posts that make other people think, wow they must have knowledge by this point...what a flaw...

man the only answer i can help you out with is to DO. and thats my being a hipocriyte.. but thats the answer I have... go for a fucking walk.. climb the nearest mountain or hill...
make a fool of yourself in public and laugh at the people who have to look at your life.
leave this shit behind for a bit... :smile:
meditation is all around you and its pretty damn good.. you dont have to sit still for 15 minutes, but it helps.

stagnation is impossible. because we are always moving, as a universal being.

watch the simpsons.


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: Burned Out [Re: leery11]
    #6963761 -

I feel very similar lately.

I have very little ambition because there is little that interests me in life today.

I went for a walk in the forest the other day. I felt at home there. I wanted to live there. I wanted to protect that section of land. To be a guardian over it and to live there, and to know every rock and tree and to live among plants and trees and streams.

I feel very at home in the forest and feel like an alien when I come to my house. I do not think that I was meant for this type of life.

But really, aren't there places we can go to find that kind of life? To live out in the forest? I'm sure it will take a lot of learning to live wild like that and I don't know where it would be possible, but it must be possible somewhere. Leery would you like to retreat to the forests with me? :p

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Re: Burned Out [Re: leery11]
    #6964494 -

I found resonance with my experience in nearly every line of your posts leery. It is interesting to see other's interpretations of these feelings.

IMO this is the roach cleaner coming round. Call it 2012, the apocalypse, the age of Aquarius, whatever you want, those who are aware know it's happening. The origin of the word apocalypse is revealing.

The light is getting so bright only the blind cannot see their own cages, never mind the fact that we built the cages, and have locked ourselves in, and have ignored the fact that some lying crooks sold us the materials.

Busting out is just as easy as it is to forget all that. But it means leaving behind the environment we have grown familiar with. After all, the cage can be rather comfy if you ignore the shards of memory of what life used to be like , which poke up and create un-evenness in our self imposed flat perception of reality.

Detachment from the accoutrements to which we have become accustomed is necessary. It's really not hard once you get over the initial panic. Having a certain excitement and lust for what's next doesn't hurt either.

Upheavals aren't supposed to be easy.
The only thing stopping you from changing your life is YOU. Chances are, unless you are physically distressed with no help, whatever you think is an obstacle like money, job, friends, this, that... is not. You are the only obstacle.

Want to live off the land? Ween yourself off the digital teat. Start collecting seeds for a garden. Learn what to forage. You might even have to try eating some bugs if you want to really get out there. Learn how to make shelter. Get as far away from transmission towers as you can. Learn how to cooperate with your neighbors.

Find somewhere you can live and work outside the city in nature, see how you like it.

The roots of this problem of wanting to get away go very deep ... it is good to be clear about what you are really trying to get away from.
This is what I have been thinking about every day.

I felt today more than ever that living in a city is like a version of hell.

Forget about underground caverns, pitchforks, and all that fire and brimstone circusy Christian clown crap. I'm talking pure corruption and hatred of everything that is sacred.

In such an environment, the natural has been subjugated to our will. Trees only exist where we permit them, surrounded by concrete. Some will point out that even the concrete and steel is "natural", and that is not entirely un-true. But we like to forget the price at which these things come; the ubiquitous symbiosis present throughout all of Earth's systems.

We've all chosen to cram in these monstrosities for "economic reasons". Our survival instinct is attached to the promise of benefits for participating in this synthetic dead end la-la land. It shows in the tired faces of everyone going about their routine. Just a glimpse gives a hint at the untold miasma lurking within, a result of going against all that we know deep inside is right and true. The torment, the abject suffering of this urban hell is a reflection of the internal, and it is what we get for all our hard work of raping our mother and then proudly occupying the scene of the crime.

And people wonder why we allow tyrants to preside over the affairs of nations?
Imaginary lines for imaginary minds.

Yet there she stands, even still, surgically divided into quadrants and surrounded by concrete. The birds, squirrels, rabbits, bugs and all who are small enough to not be too much of a nuisance will find her and take harbor in what is left, even while our toxicity becomes theirs as they eat our genetically modified crumbs and live in our chemically bombed green spaces.

We can't fight forever.
Let her reclaim.


Outside the city limits, away from the electromagnetic fields, it takes a few days for me to simply re-adjust to the relative calm, or the absence of all these artificial vibrations.

All this is new within the last century.

Our genetic memory is still deeply imprinted with what it feels like to be free of the EM tension grid.
While it is not the final answer, this might help explain the profound uneasiness people are describing. We are subconsciously trying to reconcile this new, increasingly hostile environment with our old memories and patterns.

We are at a critical juncture where the elders who remember life before TV are dying off. There are a few generations separating us now from our ancestors who knew much cleaner water and clearer skies, but more are being born every day into a carnival of gizmos and fluorescent lights which drowns out those memories.

As younger people on this cusp of immense change we need to give oxygen to the embers of those memories, then build entirely new fires to enlighten our hearts and minds, and reveal a way through the darkness.

Listen to music.
Make music.
Create art.
Walk barefoot outside in a rain storm.
Let your longing be a source of inspiration more than a source of woe.

Edited by Clean (05/25/07 04:27 AM)

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Re: Burned Out [Re: Clean]
    #6964635 -

Wow Clean, that is a DAMN fine post brother. :heart: Amen.


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”

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Re: Burned Out [Re: leery11]
    #6964645 -

I've been going through all you described for about 5 or 6 years now...

You pretty much summed up what i feel, the apathy of the ignorance possessed by the common man, and further the childlike qualities of most adults.

You don't really get over it, it only seems to get worse, if you want to stop it, you need to stop learning.... as stupid as it sounds thats the only way. Or find a way to impose a superficial happiness i.e. drugs, but even that has limited potential and soon enough one gets burned out on preventing ones self from getting burned out, and further tired of making half hearted attempts at entertaining ones self.

Its really annoying, best of luck to you, but once your their, you stay their. It's quite difficult to repossess the former ambience that has been lost.


--------------------
"Their is one overriding question that concerns us all: How can we get out of the fatal groove we are in, the one that is leading towards the brink?" Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
"We may not be capable of eradicating the corruption of reason, but we must nevertheless counter it at every instance and with every means." Dan Agin
"Politics is the best religion and politicians are the worst followers."
-It's ok to trip as long as you don't fall.
-Substance over Style.
-Common sense is uncommon.

Edited by Psychoactive1984 (05/25/07 07:00 AM)

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Re: Burned Out [Re: Psychoactive1984]
    #6964787 -

Clean, wonderful post man.

I guess the other perspective is that things are completely fine the way they are, and I can't see any reason why they wouldn't be.

Judging allows me to elevate myself.

Edited by leery11 (05/25/07 08:59 AM)

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Re: Burned Out [Re: leery11]
    #6966260 -

I feel like this too. The only thing that gives me peace is that eventually the human race will die. Wheather it be 100 years or 100000 years, it doesn't matter. The corporate whores will try and fight it, but nature always finds balance. Even after that our sun will consume us and all matter we have ever been familiar with will be recycled in a star. It will go on to form new planets that just might harbor life...
My advise to you is to conjure your primordial instincts, while still living in a peaceful and respectful manner. Afterall, we are simply just a bunch of really smart monkeys (sorry fundamentalists). Exercise, get ripped, do some yoga, strive for absolute perfection. If you can spread this message and make others open their eyes, then you have done your job.
Just remember nurture your soul and it will nurture you...

Edited by ChiefGreenLeaf (05/25/07 03:56 PM)

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Re: Burned Out [Re: Clean]
    #6969512 -

:heart::thumbup::cool: Clean +5

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