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feeling crazy
    #6138235 -

i feel a sense of strangeness
but strange isn't quite adequate
it is normalcy, folded like origami
nothing feels wrong, there is just the feeling that something is not all there
like i am going insane, not in a paranoid or erratic way
swelling waves of novelty meeting themselves
confused as tired and revisited, old
not crashing on the shoreline, just gurgling and melting back into the sand
like there is no problem with it, nothing is stopping it
i lie in bed awake and i don't seem to care
during walks i feel like falling over and just stopping
like something inside me went away and nothing even cares

i find repetitive thoughts of shooting myself in the head (over and over again)
feeling insane
despair? no
i don't feel that i shouldn't exist
i don't feel that i actually would ever shoot myself
but that doesn't make the thoughts go away
the gun is cocked and fired in my mind anyhow
even still, it is a feeling of "well, that is okay."
but at the same time i find myself abnormal
to the point of unhealthiness, to the point that i decided to write this

i don't know what i'm looking for
i don't know if i care about what i'm looking for
or if i'm looking for anything at all

i still laugh and smile daily, i am in no bout of depression
there is only this strangeness
and these thoughts of suicide
and i don't know if something is wrong with me
or if it would matter if there was

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: thatiAM]
    #6139351 -

If you see some odd imagery or experience some odd thoughts, just let them go. It happens.

If you feel like laying down during a walk, lay down. Otherwise, stand tall and keep going. It's either this or that. Confusion is unnecessary.

Everything matters because it is something.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #6139820 -

you're not alone buddy, don't sweat it :tongue:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: Lion]
    #6188696 -

I kind of got past that depressive bit mostly.

Still feeling progressively more insane daily. Don't know what's up. Feeling really weird...haven't had drugs for a few weeks mostly. So I doubt it's that. I don't know what's going on.

It feels like everything has always been insane but I just never noticed it.

Insane as in fluttery and completely unusual. Like everything is so weird - shapes, colors, thoughts. Like something doesn't quite make sense and I can't put my finger on it.

I can't put my finger on where the crazy is but it's here somewhere, I can feel it. It's not really an anxious crazy, just like a bewildered crazy. Like it doesn't understand anything and it doesn't even try. Like it's fragile and silly but doesn't care - like it's pointless to figure out.

Like all that's left of the universe is complete crazy. 100% organic crazy.

wat da faawwkkkkk?.......this is weird, this has been going on for a few weeks.

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: thatiAM]
    #6189894 -

I think it just means you're living close to the Mystery
Have you been keeping up your meditation?


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: Lion]
    #6190295 -

bug said:
I think it just means you're living close to the Mystery
Have you been keeping up your meditation?


Can you go deeper into this? I have been feeling crazy as well, dwelling on existential angst. As you have said, I feel like maybe I'm living too close to the mystery, and need to back off a bit
back to concensus reality, until I can handle it without the anxiety.


--------------------
Loving in truth, and fain in verse my love to show, That the dear She might take some pleasure of my pain: Pleasure might cause her read, reading might make her know, Knowledge might pity win, and pity grace obtain.

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: jonathanseagull]
    #6190356 -

Well...  I don't know if you can back off once you've glimpsed it.  But you can approach it in new ways.  Recently I cut back a lot on cannabis and salvia use and started focusing more on exercise and
meditation - a good way to keep the mind and body engaged in the process of discovery.  Observing one's inner dialogue is very important, as it is constantly going on and most of the time all
sides are actively vying for your attention with very different messages.

Reading the great teachers can have a soothing effect on the mind too.  Don't worry about feeling crazy - you must assuredly are not.  The crazy ones are the people who go about their lives without
reflecting on the meaning and forces behind what they are doing.

Namaste :smile:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: Lion]
    #6190656 -

bug said:
I think it just means you're living close to the Mystery


Maybe. It's a strange thing, like something feels off but I can't find it. Truth is practically all I have thought about for 9 months. It's a fleeting crazy. When I try to feel it to describe it,
or look for it, it seems like it was never there.

Quote:
bug said:Have you been keeping up your meditation?


Hmm yeah. Maybe it is just part of the road to nothing I'm on. Funny I should say that, nobody needs a road to get nothing. I think you know what I mean.

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: thatiAM]
    #6196422 -

sometimes, i feel exactly like that. except, instead of asking for help, i accept that i, and everybody else, is completely insane, so nothing matters!


--------------------
"Like Fry, like Fry!"

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: ShrOOmTaRd]
    #6196685 -

Sometimes you can get so philosophical that you lose touch with reality. The truth is that you simply aren't in touch with your environment.

You would be in touch if you got down on the ground and did a couple sets of pushups or you just made love to a beautiful woman. Your body needs to work in a certain way to get certain results.

The question is.. how do you balance everything? Sometimes you don't even know what you want. I suggest finding that out.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #6200009 -

What do I do if I don't want anything?

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: thatiAM]
    #6200465 -

Stop complaining.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #6200487 -

First, it sounds like you've confroted your mortality. Ive felt that way from time to time, like I know I can end it all, but I know I wont. For me it really puts things in perspective and makes life precious. It helps me also to understand that I control who I am and where I go.


About feeling strange, it sounds like you may want to try a new routine cause you seem a little bored with the present. May I suggest saving money for a vacation to some cool locale? It gives you something to work and look forward to and will certainly be worth it. I can suggest some totally awesome places to visit if you wanna PM me.


--------------------


"We know where they (Weapons of Mass Destruction) are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat."

-Donald Rumsfeld

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: Zogby]
    #6201515 -

Yeah actually I am feeling better now, not really having the killing myself images recently :lol:

If I did go anywhere, it would be to Sweden where my uncle is.  He invited me over to go mushroom picking sometime.  So I would just need money for the plane ride.  I don't think I'm bored really.  I don't know what I was feeling, just really weird like everything was one big joke that I didn't understand.

re: hobbitcg

Ok

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: thatiAM]
    #6202426 -

Sweden would be fucking awesome, take me with!!!


--------------------


"We know where they (Weapons of Mass Destruction) are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat."

-Donald Rumsfeld

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: Zogby]
    #6204849 -

thatiAim.. I should have been a little more specific. I mean that you should stop complaining and find some reasons to be happy.

I think you should keep that trip to Sweden in your pocket and pull it out at just the right time.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #6204857 -

thatiAM, where in Sweden does your uncle live. is he a native or an expatriate? ive never been to Europe so im uber interested.


--------------------


"We know where they (Weapons of Mass Destruction) are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat."

-Donald Rumsfeld

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: thatiAM]
    #6205249 -

i've had the exact same thoughts, it comes out more during/after using psychs and others. pills brought it out strongly, as well as dxm, lsd, and doi. sort of like being scared to sit near the window in an highrise
because you're scared you'll wanna jump out to see what it feels like to fall.


--------------------
with my third eye, I focus with

Edited by foureyes (10/24/06 07:53 AM)

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: foureyes]
    #6207098 -

I know what you mean foureyes.

I was driving in my car and thought hmm.. all I need to do is tilt the wheel this way for a split second and I would be seriously injured or dead... alright enough already Focus!


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

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Re: feeling crazy [Re: Zogby]
    #6207156 -

I think south-ish on the coast.  He is from the USA, going there for school :smile:

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