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OfflinePurpleKush
Rational Lunatic
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Registered: 03/20/06
Posts: 3,421
Loc: Above The Law
Last seen: 3 years, 10 months
im scared
    #5924733 - 08/02/06 08:31 AM (17 years, 5 months ago)

and thats about the only thing i really know.  i cant explain why.

im scared of people, but i hate being alone.  i just bought a house and when i'm there by myself, i get paranoid and uncomfortable.  if i walk through a spider web by myself, i freak out for at least a minute frantically checking to make sure theres no spiders on me.  for the next few minutes, if even a hair moves anywhere on my body i flip my shit.

last night i couldn't take the silence so i had to go buy a radio to keep from going crazy.  theres absolutely nothing to be afraid of, and i KNOW this, but im terrified.  i try to ignore it, but it only seems to get worse. when i make eye contact with strangers i automatically turn away.  i double and triple question everything i do, making sure its just right.

its always been this way.  for 20 years, ive been afraid.  and i dont know how to fix it.  :sad:

and nobody knows.  i cover it up well.  im clean shaven, i work in a professional office even though im only 20, and i have a 3.1 GPA at college.  i guess most people would say im doing good for myself, but i dont feel it.  i feel like im wasting away.  like somewhere long ago a little boy died and this is just a shell leftover.

of course, i have to escape.  ive been smoking marijuana daily for over a year, and i occaisionally take opiates or benzos, but never often enough to become addicted.  i had some good mushroom trips early this year, but none since then.  and thats it.  weed, some pills, and shrooms every now and then. 

i have extreme mood swings, never relating to the events of the day/week/month.  for example, i just bought a house, and a car, and got an A and a B in my summer classes.  but in the last few days, a wave of melancholy has washed over me and i can't enjoy any of it. 

its not always this way, sometimes i feel perfectly at peace with the world for absolutely no reason at all, even in the midst of shitty situations.  somedays im just happy to be alive.

and now here i am, about to post this.  im thinking about deleting all of this and starting over.  because im afraid.  i believe its the root of my problems.  i cant even make a post on a message board thats supposed to be about helping people with their physical and mental well being without worrying how it looks, who will think what, and so on.  pathetic, i guess.

this is just some of my thoughts this morning i had to put down.  im not trying to sound all emo, i just needed to write.  any advice would be appreciated, cuz today is one of my down days, and it sucks.


--------------------

:blindfury::fried::psychsplit::vaped:


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: im scared [Re: PurpleKush]
    #5924928 - 08/02/06 10:15 AM (17 years, 5 months ago)

:frown:

i don't have a lot of advice for you but good luck.
i'm sort of kind of the same. i realized that i don't even know what a lot of people look like, because i hide from eye contact so much, and i can barely see an image of them in my mind. yet i know their voices quite well...... and i obviously recognize them when i see them, it's just that when i'm with them i don't generally look at them much. it's hard for me.

i am alone except when i see my family on the weekends...... and i don't do a lot to not be alone, but i don't know what to do. it can hurt a lot sometimes or be okay other times.

i got up today and got to feeling pretty down and then yelled at myself because i'm choosing to be this way, so there is no down, and i know i can improve it... so i said we'll fix it and it's nothing to get too upset over.

i'm not afraid of people though is the thing. its just like someone cut out my will and surgically removed it so like.... if i see someone i don't go up and say hi. but if they say hi to me i say hi.

and then if that's all, then i don't say anything more. but if they ask me a question then i answer. and i'm very friendly and "sociable" it's just like i have a go button on me and you have to keep pushing it, or i will walk away....

so this has made me pretty damn isolated because you know, how many people will go up to you, start a conversation, and sustain it? I'm not good at sustaining convos because my mind deals in abstracts and is disenfranchised with smalltalk.

but smalltalk is necessary for bridge building unfortunately.

i don't know what to tell you at all. you don't have to be afraid of people though, because i used to be, but now i'm not... i'm not sure how that came to be, but it did.

i wish you luck man. keep the drugs down some if you can.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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OfflineBooby
Agent Mulder
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Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
Re: im scared [Re: PurpleKush]
    #5924961 - 08/02/06 10:32 AM (17 years, 5 months ago)

You're sane.

We hear those old stories of people being raised to fear God and most of us shake it off like water off a ducks back and continue to live a happy existence of make-believe when fear is in fact reality. One may go so far to say that fear drives people insane, that is, if one is not in touch with the basic reality of living in fear then one is insane.


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


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Offlinetrunksan
PsyChicken
Male

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 291
Loc: UK, Hellas
Last seen: 10 months, 4 days
Re: im scared [Re: Booby]
    #5925079 - 08/02/06 11:20 AM (17 years, 5 months ago)

I've realised that a lot of my fears stem from the fact that I've been too proud and always dealt with my problems alone. Sometimes all you need to do is talk to someone. Find someone to talk to, friend or family. It i'll make things much easier.


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Invisibledemiu5
humans, lol
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Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium Flag
Re: im scared [Re: PurpleKush]
    #5925141 - 08/02/06 11:42 AM (17 years, 5 months ago)

man, you sound like you're starting to realize all the bullshit.

none of it matters, man. Fuck the people, hold your head up while walking down the street, be you at all times.

If you want to help quell your anxiety, stop smoking. When I first started smoking, my anxiety went up some, but as I kept on it got worse until I almost snapped back about 6 months ago. I took a few short breaks and just recently a full month. I feel great. I'm going to try and take another break here soon.


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David


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OfflineThe_Hobbit
Bilbo Baggins
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Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 1,382
Loc: The Shire
Last seen: 16 years, 10 months
Re: im scared [Re: demiu5]
    #5925395 - 08/02/06 01:13 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

demius said:
none of it matters, man. Fuck the people, hold your head up while walking down the street, be you at all times.



Everything matters. Embrace people, as you would wish to be embraced. Here on Oahu, people say hi to eachother and smile (and mean it). You don't have to say hi, but realize that there is another living person walking by you. Have some respect, both for yourself and them. Just realize that they are a part of everything, just like you. Don't fear them. That is bad energy, bro. It's like animals who can tell you're scared - don't you think people can, too? If you are feeling good, then say hi. You might be suprised that they would say hi back. I've tried this before in the city and it actually does work, though some people are zoned, unwilling to talk, or afraid of strangers.

My suggestion is to face your fears. Use your knowledge to make logical decisions and follow through with confidence. That is the only way to get anywhere. It took a long time to create this problem and it will probably take more than 1 time to fix it. Trust me on this - the more you try, the better the results. You just have to make a concious decision and follow through.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.


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OfflinePurpleKush
Rational Lunatic
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Registered: 03/20/06
Posts: 3,421
Loc: Above The Law
Last seen: 3 years, 10 months
Re: im scared [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #5925780 - 08/02/06 03:14 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

thank you everyone for the responses. it feels good to bare my soul to somebody, even if i don't know any of you personally. there are a lot of things i need to get off my chest, but its really hard for me to face them all. i just dont know where to start.


--------------------

:blindfury::fried::psychsplit::vaped:


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: im scared [Re: PurpleKush]
    #5925950 - 08/02/06 04:17 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

there's no wrong place to start drawing a circle.

you just pick one and type automatically without censure.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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Offlinenub
Plobable
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Registered: 04/14/06
Posts: 204
Loc: little district
Last seen: 11 years, 9 months
Re: im scared [Re: leery11]
    #5925994 - 08/02/06 04:36 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

face a fear you know you have like try to overcome it u seem to not like spiders in your presence? no? try finding a few like hunting them down in your house and not kill or anything thing but let them run on you .then get like dozens to crawl on oyu as you walk the streets and stare down every last person with the crazy eyebrows of questionable love.
noone knows the answers but yourself just have to find them.


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Invisibledemiu5
humans, lol
 User Gallery

Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium Flag
Re: im scared [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #5927378 - 08/02/06 11:29 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

I'm sorry, I wasn't clear and it caused me to mislead you.  I feel the same as you do, and say hi to everyone when given the chance.  But you can't care what people think about you.  That's what I meant by "Fuck the people, hold your head up while walking down the street, be you at all times."  That what doesn't matter, none of all that goes along with it.

:sun:


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David


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OfflineFeelers
Anti-Myth-Rhythm-Rock-Shocker
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Registered: 06/18/02
Posts: 1,806
Loc: Land of Oz
Last seen: 5 years, 8 months
Re: im scared [Re: demiu5]
    #5930221 - 08/04/06 12:46 AM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Hey purplekush - I found that I am quite similar at points. After smoking lots of weed through the summer I had a really tough time mentally, took about a month to get over the feeling it gave me.

I had a real rough time at highschool for a few years - where I became direct "enemys" with my group of friends from a previous school, and since that time I always wandered around head down, and found it hard to look people in the eye as you describe.

Its all about getting a perception shift - but the thing is these shifts randomly come along, but you can help steer yourself in the right direction to accept them.
I dont know what it was, I was walking along and I suddenly thought - what am I worried about? Even if I was naked walking past all these people - two days from now its not gonna matter at all, why would they care? Its fully like Dc Phil says - if you are confident you dont worry about such matters.
Im naturally a quiet person, but having confidence doesnt mean you have to talk all the time. For example when talking to people in a shop - remember that they have a shit time dealing with assholes constantly, so a nice customer who smiles and is polite is probably a welcome relief.

Oh - dont worry about writing and then deleting something here, afterall thats the whole point of this forum. Getting it out there is half the battle.
:smile:


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OfflineThe_Hobbit
Bilbo Baggins
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Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 1,382
Loc: The Shire
Last seen: 16 years, 10 months
Re: im scared [Re: demiu5]
    #5930341 - 08/04/06 01:35 AM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

demius said:
But you can't care what people think about you.



You can. Like I said, everything matters, including other people and their opinions.

You would feel good if someone smiled and said hello to you. That is, however, just one possible response. To shut off and not offer the same openness to everyone you meet would be illogical. So.. they may grimace at you or ignore you. Whatever. You have to interpret that logically. If someone smiles at you, it's because they are happy about the fact that you care enough to share love with them. If someone grimaces at you, it may be because he cannot shift from his current mood into a good one. He may not even be mad at you. That is just something that you will have to accept. If you love yourself and know that your intentions are good, how can you go wrong. One person's grimace or ignorance will not harm you because only you can harm yourself.

And just think.. even if they ignore you, it may change their life forever. It may spark the change that makes them say hello to someone else - maybe just one time or maybe for the rest of their life.

Think about what you would do if you were a little kid on the playground playing with your friends. Everything is fun and exciting and all. It cannot be just like that, but you can remember that people grew up with open hearts. You are one of them. Be the person you want to be. That is the only way to change. Right now.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.


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