At first, I was reluctant to journey to the land of Ikea, but after hearing many a tale of cheap, trendy furniture as far as the eye could see, I decided to make the perilous trek. It would turn out to be one of the deadliest mistakes I've ever made.
All I wanted to do was take a quick look around, but apparently at Ikea, taking a quick look around is not possible, because you can't go out the way you came in. They have like a freakin airlock at the front, and guards armed with rifles and bayonets keep you from going back out the entrance once you realize what a yuppie pit of hell you've fallen into.
Slowly, it dawned on me that I was trapped in this fascist maze alongside a thousand overweight soccor moms who wear those jeans that come way up past the belly button. Not to mention their screaming kids. They clawed at me with their sticky fingers while their parents laughed about how cute they were. I was forced to flee aimlessly through the bowels of the store. The shrieks of unattended youth clawed at my ears, like the eerie screeching of demons in hell.
I tried to get my bearings and plan my escape, but the rules of time and space were different in this place. Signs marked "To EXIT" only lead to endless hallways of picture frames and pottery. The boredom from staring at never-ending rows of bland, crappy merchandise drove me mad. They were playing games with me! I was just a rat in their twisted labrynth.
After walking for what seemed like hours, I came upon a large cafeteria. 'Of course!' I thought to myself, 'They have to have a source of food in this place, otherwise they wouldn't be able to keep their prisoners alive.' The only things served in the cafeteria were hot dogs and swedish meatballs. I watched in horror as a trendy-looking german guy in a turtleneck sipped a cafe latte to bad disco music. Clearly, years of confinement in this terrible place had turned him into a skeleton of the man he was before he entered its accursed gates.
I made my way into an area marked 'Authorized Personnel Only'. To hell with the proper channels. If I was going to leave this place alive, I was going to have to step behind a few red curtains. I ran down a dusty old hallway. Eventually I came to a large stone room. Inside were thousands of captive child slaves being whipped by masked men while they assembled computer desks and sewed potholders.
At the center of the room was a flaming pit, and Martha Stewart was dancing in front of it. Armed guards brought her a child to sacrifice to the fiery abyss. But before she threw the child in, she began chanting "Kahli MAAAAHHHH... KAHLI MAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Then she ripped the kids heart out and ate it, and threw the small child down to hell. Also, I think Kathy Lee was there.
I quickly ducked out of this room and found a tunnel containing railroad tracks and several minecarts. I hopped in one and released the brake. Soon, I was moving forward, but when I looked behind me, I saw another minecart with two masked men in it! They must have followed me from the other room! Luckily, the minecart was full of merchandise, so I started chucking potted plants and ottomans at the other car. An aloe vera plant derailed the other car, and it did a wicked flip into a pit of hot lava.
Eventually, I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Before I knew it, the tracks ended, and I was launched out of the tunnel into the morning light. I crash landed in some bushes. Looking around, I found myself in a suburban Plano neighborhood.
And so, since I have made it out alive to tell the tale, I warn all of you: Stay away from the heathen land of IKEA!!! Its a terrible place. Abandon hope, all ye who go there!
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