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my brain is shattered? where to go
    #5130178 -

dear fellow shroomers,

everything is too complex, or maybe i just overcomplicate things. my head, my confusion, i am wrapped in confusion and there is no outside, only the place inside my brain. i'm afraid that if i don't change things, i will end up hurling myself out a window.

i know how much simplicity and beauty exists in the world, i have touched such incredible peace that i cried, but now i cannot find anything. i haven't done any drugs for 6 weeks. my brain won't stick to anything. i'm confused about being confused about being confused, and nothing seems to matter at all. my soul is dragging on the floor, and the world is too beautiful to waste like this.

i came here not to complain, and i'm sorry if this seems like a complaint. i come here because mushrooms touch the deepest parts of me. i respect mushrooms and, likewise, i respect the people on these forums who take mushrooms. i'm reaching out here to those who might understand where i'm coming from.

i've given it time, i've gone without drugs, i've listened to music, i've slept, i've eaten well, seen friends
and still there's this gaping hole
this ragged emptiness and confusion. will i NEVER be rid of this BAFFLEMENT? there's so much beauty.
i love mushrooms. i love the world. i love atoms and molecules and black holes.
but i can't wrap my mind around anything, and my constant desire for something ELSE besides what i have is driving me insane.

i just don't know where to go. death is so available every minute, and i'm rejecting it over and over again. but i'm afraid that i won't be able to reject it if things go on like this for much longer.

thanks for any imput.

"This is how it always is
when I finish a poem.

A great silence overcomes me,
and I wonder why I ever thought
to use language."
-Rumi

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: anonymous0]
    #5130468 -

I've been feeling the same recently. Do you have any hobbies/interests you could throw yourself into? (not drug related) I would also recommend seeing a doctor if you haven't already. Anti-depressants do help :smile:


--------------------
"The only thing I'm high on is Love for my Son and Daughters. Yes, a little LSD is all I need."
-Marge Simpson

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: anonymous0]
    #5130511 -

Is there such a thing as a country where suicide is respected as a legal right?


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: Booby]
    #5130521 -

Booby said:
Is there such a thing as a country where suicide is respected as a legal right?


Switzerland allows euthanasia for the terminally ill.

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: anonymous0]
    #5130626 -

You sound like a spiritual and sensitive guy to me. You need to just keep going. Anyone who has left the herd for spiritual high ground can tell you a similar story as yours. The warriors way is to continue to carry on and surrender to what is happening without expectations. A tall order but you can do it and it doesn't have to feel perfect to be working. :heart:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: Icelander]
    #5132831 -

Man im in the sme boat it seems. I alays think of how great it would be to go hike throughu the forest and ride my bike around and read lots of great books but yo know what I end up doing? I sit on my ass and play video games and eat junk food and smoke pot. I love these ideas of doing all the great stuff I just cannot bring myself to do it.

It's almost like I cannot get myself into stuff anymore unless it involves some sort of drug. It sucks. I am really thinking about quitting smoking pot. It does more harm then good for me I think. I already have been slowing up alot. I used to smoke an 1/8th a day or so but now I only smoke like 2 or 3 days a week and usually on the weekends.

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: anonymous0]
    #5134032 -

It took me two years to recover from a bad experience on mushrooms. I felt the exacr same feelings as you describe: derealisation, depersonalisation, isolation, existential depression, and other things which are indescribable.

I know how difficult it is at first but right now you need to take your mind off things. Enjoy the finer points in life. Eat a nice meal, take long walks in nature, take part in plenty of self-nurturing activities. I know that when I was at my worst the only thing that helped was to watch good movies, you may want to try this also. Make sure you maintain contact with people also. If you don't tell people your problems then they will only grow more imbedded in you. CBT or more traditional psychoanalysis may be effective in your case.

What's more, stop thinking about things so much. Stop thinking that there is something wrong with you. You can ask as many questions as you want and only receive a handful of answers. Obsessing only makes the problem seem bigger.

Don't be alarmed that you aren't making progress; it will manifest itself in time if you stay positive.

Six weeks really is a short time to expect changes. Stay away from drugs at all costs and continue living healthily. Like I said previously, recovery will take awhile, but that doesn't matter. Seek professional advice if you are that worried.

See if you can relate:

http://depersonalization.info/

http://dpselfhelp.com/

Hope you get better soon, mate. Stay strong and don't let things get to you.  :heart: :sun:

Edited by Chauntecleer (01/03/06 03:19 AM)

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: Chauntecleer]
    #5134092 -

The universe is getting more and more complex always, embrace this brother. Know that i love you, and we all love you here as a community, family. You are not some bystander in this life, you are IT!!! You are a conscious creator, your time is here. If you must, move out here to my city and join the family!

We love you!


--------------------
things that are oooobvious...

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: Chauntecleer]
    #5137464 -

thank you so much for your advice

ahh it really helps to know that people have been in similar places. yeah, it's just that i have all these questions, all this ambiguity, all this chaos. sometimes the fact that i can't even put my finger on what i'm confused about is what bothers me. trying to communicate with people usually makes me feel worse, not better, so i've kind of backed away from that option.

i guess what i'm afraid of is never recovering, never getting the clarity back, but i guess i need to give it a lot more time.

it's amazing how much little heart icons can make you feel better. thanks again.

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: Kurenchai]
    #5137493 -

i'm a female, and thanks so much for your comforting words

i've been feeling really mentally isolated lately from..the rest of humanity, so thanks for your response. the time IS now, good reminder, i guess i keep forgetting that and thinking that there's something LATER that i'm waiting for, what a joke.

peace

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: anonymous0]
    #5137991 -

They're cheesy emoticons, but I genuinely do feel for you. Those were probably the two hardest years of my life; I went through them alone, with no partner except my obsessive thoughts. I think that now, in retrospect, seeking counselling of some sort may have made things easier for me.

It seems as you must be active on a subconscious level, I know I was. Sometimes I would experience extremeley bad, vivid dreams relating to old friends and events. I kept a dream log and tried to make sense from the chaos.


If you ever want to talk then just PM me. You will get through this.

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: anonymous0]
    #5138144 -

Can you give us a few random questions that pop into your mind that create the chaos? Or is it a chaos that you can't define and there are not real questions, but just a chaos emotion without an clear psychological cause?

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: Annom]
    #5148475 -

some of both, i think.

sometimes i get confused but KNOW that there's nothing to be confused about, and that i'm just making up the confusion. it seems like now that my brain has discovered this type of all-consuming confusion, it goes there even when the circumstances aren't baffling.

sometimes it's specific though, so here are some questions that go through my head:

am i crazy?
i respect insanity, but what if i'm just a confused, drug-worn burnout whose sense of reason is gone?
how much control does my mind have over things? how much of reality is unchangable and how much is up to me to create?
maybe i'm just a brain in a vat somewhere
do i need to worry about how i am perceieved at all? how about just not caring? is that even possible?
should i kill myself?
is there any kind of afterlife? if so, would killing myself not do any good anyway, since i'd still be conscious?
why can't i be happy?
am i confused?
WHAT AM I CONFUSED ABOUT?

i think i've strayed from the point a lot.

that's the problem.
every time i look at this, it changes.

i want to ride it out, the whole thing, and just disconnect myself from it and hold on to that underlying peace. but it's hard because i'm starting to doubt whether i'll ever find clarity and substantial, long-lasting happiness again.

sorry for the rambling.

love.

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Re: my brain is shattered? where to go [Re: anonymous0]
    #5149622 -

my advice to anonymous is to get a hobby and stop thinking for a bit. be, in the moment, without thinking about it.


--------------------
GO OUTSIDE.

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