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InvisibleSkorpivoMusterion
Livin in theTwilight Zone...
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Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 9,944
Loc: You can't spell fungus wi...
My Visit to Hell
    #4710976 - 09/25/05 07:49 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

?You want me to go where!?!?

I had been called to the office at work to do what they loosely referred to as a travel story. But the particulars, like where I was going, had not been mentioned until now.

?We?d like you to go to Hell and interview Satan,? my boss calmly repeated.

?But?but I?m not dead,? I argued. ?Maybe you guys haven?t thought this through.?

The boss responded by picking up his phone and whispering, ?Hold my calls.? Then everything happened really fast. One guy reached over, slammed my head down on the desk, and held me there. Another went to a closet and pulled out the biggest ax I?d ever seen, with the company logo imprinted on its blade. They both started chanting something that sounded like the them song from The Patty Duke Show backward.

Then the bastards cut off my head.


Hello! My Name Is Xghzqtk
The first thing I see when I wake up in the under-world is my headless body on the ground. Then I see who is holding my head. Neither is a pretty sight. ?MY NAME IS XGHZQTK,? the demon says in a thunderous voice, ?I AM SATAN?S PUBLICIST.?

Xghzqtk is nine feet tall, with Teflon scales and a head shaped like four megaphones pointing north, east, south, and west?each with a five-foot tongue hanging out of it. His other distinguishing feature is a right hand so large that when he makes a fist, it?s as big as a prize watermelon. He?s a little touchy about his name and threatens to punch me in the face every time I mispronounce it. Unfortunately, Xghzqtk is impossible to say correctly unless your throat is lined with fully opened Swiss army knives.

I expect to be punched quite a bit in this trip.


Me-owwwwwwwwww
?LET?S GET YOU FIXED UP,? says Xghzqtk.

My headless body is lying on what, oddly enough, appears to be steaming-hot kitty litter. Darkness surrounds us, the only light a faint bloody glow emanating from the demon. In the background I think I hear the sound of cats meowing.

Xghzqtk picks my body up, sticks my head back on it, and, using his massive fist like a hammer, drives a three-foot nail straight down through the top of my skull with the expertise of a carpenter. He tells me that during the French Revolution, he was the busiest demon in Hell. Wistfully he asks if there is any chance the guillotine may come back into vogue as a means of capital punishment. To cheer him up, I lie and say that Texas is considering it.

With my head firmly (if somewhat painfully) in place, the next order of business is some light to travel by. It?s now that the mystery of the meowing is solved. Xghzqtk stalks off into the gloom and returns seconds later with two cats skewered on poles. He quickly sets them on fire and hands me one of the poles, and we make our way across the kitty-liter plain by the light of their burning fur.

We walk for miles, heading toward a faint, distant light: the ferry port. It?s hotter than Death Valley and pretty damned smoky from those cats. There is an occasional breeze, but it smells so bad, you can hardly call it a relief. Xghzqtk informs me that to the north sits a demon the size of the moon who eternally feasts upon dark beer and baked beans. His name is Flatulus

The closer we get to our destination, the more roadside vendors we see. One yells, ?Last chance to but aspirin before the Gates of Hell!? I stop for a quick purchase at Xghzqtk?s suggestion. Another offers to sell me racy photos of what my wife?s doing now that I?m dead. We pass a pathetic-looking Italian man dressed in aged, shit-stained medieval garb who holds a sign saying WILL RHYME FOR FOOD. Two burly guys in togas are giving him a wedgie.


Slow Boat to Hell
Rush hour at the ferry port is hel?pretty bad. Millions of people, no information booth, 75-mile-long ticket lines, and there?s only one bathroom, which has been occupied for the last 2,500 years by a demon named Urinicon?the Bladder of Satan. Luckily, Xghzqtk knows which palms to grease with human fat, and before you can say ?Ozzy Osbourne? we?re boarding.

The boat is a human turd, two miles long, 100 yards wide, with some benches on top. I?m about to sit down when I notice that they are covered with six-inch spikes honed to the finest points possible.

?I can?t sit here,? I complain to the Ferryman.
?Damn right!? he exclaims. ?This is first class.?
Xghzqtk leads me back to coach, where I immediately sink straight down to the bridge of my nose in turd and remain that way for the 15 years it takes to reach the other side.

Free Willy is the in-voyage movie. It plays over and over again, 27,345 times.

As relaxing as I usually find boat rides, it is with some degree of relief that I sight the port of Pandemonium, Hell?s capital city. Xghzqtk is kind enough to agonizingly yank my head around so that I can see the statue of Charles de Gaulle standing on its own little island at the mouth of Hell?s harbor. Much like the Statue of Liberty, this monument was a gift of appreciation from the French people and is truly a magnificent sculpture. General de Gaulle stands a good 1,729 feet high, Gallic sneer on his face as he lifts his middle finger skyward. The plaque at his feet is eloquent in its simplicity.

IF YOU THINK FRANCE TREATS VISITORS LIKE CRAP?JUST WAIT


Hell ?n? Ready
I?ve been half expecting to see a huge three-headed dog guarding the Gates of Hell, but Xghzqtk says that when Satan succeeded the Greek god Hades, he got rid of the mutt because it kept humping his leg. Now a thousand-armed demon stands in front of the gates, passing out buy-one-get-one free coupons and club passes. I score one for a free kick in the balls with every one purchased. ?LUCKY YOU,? comments Xghzqtk enviously.

The actual Gates are in reality a series of pillars 100 feet in diameter, stretching up to infinity, and composed entirely of mouths. Some mouths moan, some snicker, and some sing Helen Reddy tunes off-key. But, unfortunately, most of them just spit on you as you walk by.

Once we?re through the gates, I just con?t resist a souvenir photo. They have cardboard likenesses of Satan and Jesus, with a hole cut out where Satan?s head was so your face can be on the devil?s body. I choose the one where Satan is tying Jesus? shoelaces together, but the one where he?s taping a KICK ME sign on His back is pretty funny, too.

?COME ONE,? says Xghzqtk impatiently, ?WE?VE GOT A SCHEDULE TO STICK TO.? Then he hauls off and punches me incredibly hard in the face?but in a playful, good-natured sort of way. Who says that demons don?t like to kid around?


Sin City
Although Hell is boundless, everyone who?s anyone makes their home in Pandemonium. Satan?s palace is here. Beelzebub, Mammon, Belial, and the other top-ranking demons all have mansions up in the trendy Canker Sore Canyon area. Pandemonium is also where you?ll find Hitler, Stalin, Genghis Khan, Judas, and loads of other famous beasts from the past. Just about everyone in the music industry is here, too, as well as most New Yorkers?and the guy responsible for those annoying Mentos commercials.

It?s a good thing I have Xghzqtk with me, because even the most experienced world traveler would find Pandemonium challenging to navigate. First, since intersections resemble crosses, there are none. Roads stop, start, swirl, snake, and circle but never meet. It can takes years to get somewhere no more than 200 yards away. The second problem is that every night, Pandemonium completely rearranges itself, so the next day even people who have lived there for centuries wake up totally lost.

Not that there is a next day. It?s always night in Pandemonium, but it?s hardly depressing, because the city is alight with the flames of a million burning-cat street-lamps. Everything is open all the time; misshapen people run naked through the streets, laughing psychotically, screaming in pain, and occasionally stopping to fornicate joylessly in huge orgiastic dog piles or to hawk their souvenir THIS SHIRT HURTS T-shirts.
We are standing in an open-market square, but there?s no time for shopping, as Xghzqtk is already hailing us a cockroach. We hop aboard the 20 foot-long insect and scuttle off to my lodgings.

Three hotel chains cater to the tourist trade here in Pandemonium. The Hellton is by far the best, offering amenities such as a wake-up whip for business travelers who need to make early meetings.

For the midrange pocketbook, Holiday Sin is not a bad deal. But they tend to book 60 to a room, and there?s something of a giant-fly problem.
Unfortunately, my company has me booked into Motel 666: Hell?s economy-class lodging.

We go to the front desk, and I reach for my wallet. But Xghzqtk stays my hand. ?EARTHLY MONEY WILL BUY YOU NOTHING HERE, FOOL.?

?Well, what form of currency do you use?? I ask.

?THE SCREAM.?

Before I can move, the manager hauls me over the counter and beats 70 screams out of me, going rate for a room. Then the bellhop leads me to a wall with a tiny three-inch-wide crack in it.

?Your room sir.? He picks me up and shoves my entire body into the crack, headfirst.

?Will that be all, sir??

?Yes.?


Saturday Night in Hell
Xghzqtk stops back a few hours later to pull me out of my room. ?BAD NEWS,? he says while bludgeoning my three-inch body back into shape. ?THE MASTER CAN?T SPEAK TO YOU UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT. HE?S GOT A GIG.?

It turns out that despite all the unimaginably sick and decadent ways one could spend a Saturday night in Pandemonium, everyone in fact does only one thing: listens to Satan tell ready bad jokes. It?s mandatory?and it goes on all night.

On the way over to the AAAAAAAAAAAAHmphitheater, we make one fast stop at the strip mall (and I do mean strip mall) to check out a few topless bars. The one we go into is called Ladies First. Onstage is a decrepit ld woman dressed in Colonial-era split-crotch panties and tassels that looks disturbingly like Dolly Madison.

?NOTHING BUT FIRST LADIES OF THE UNITED STATES,? chuckles Xghzqtk. ?I JUST LOVE THESE THEME JOINTS.?

We stay for a few minutes, but when the announcer asks us to give a very warm welcome to Eleanor Roosevelt, I look at my watch and tell a disappointed Xghzqtk that we?d better catch a cockroach if we don?t want to be late.

Although admission to the show is a little steep (2,00 screams), the place is packed?because it?s mandatory. We take our seats and I can_sq_t believe my good luck. Sitting to my right is Jim Morrison of the Doors. He?s wearing a powder-blue tux and his hair is cut short, but it?s definitely The Lizard King. Apparently his gig in Hell is to play in a bad bar mitzvah band for eternity.

The lights go down and the MC comes out. ?Let?s have a big hand for the guy that God Himself loves to hate. Your eternal tormentor and mine?SA-A-A-A-A-A-TAN!?

I?d love to say that it?s the best show I?ve ever seen, but, again, that wouldn?t be Hell. For the next 12 hours, the most evil entity in the universe stands up there and tells horrible knock-knock jokes.

?KNOCK, KNOCK.?

?Who-o-o-o?s there?? screams every last damned and tortured soul in Hell.

?LUCY.?

?Lucy who??

?LUCI-FER, YOUR LORD AND MASTER THROUGHOUT ETERNITY. HAHAHAHAHA.?

And then 5,000,000 volts of electricity run through every seat in the house?Satan?s idea of an APPLAUSE sign.


My Dinner with Satan
Sunday?s in Hell aren_sq_t much better than Saturday nights. Everyone is forced to go to Our Lady of I-Told-You-So Cathedral for a nine-hour high mass in Latin that won?t do anyone a bit of good, since thay?re already damned. Behind each infernal parishioner stands an enormous hairy demon in a nun?s habit wielding a 17-foot-long concrete ruler, which applies frequently.

But at long last the moment comes. I?ve been in Hell a little longer than I Planned, and I?m eager to do this interview and get back to Earth. So here I am at a table for two in Satan?s favorite bistro, the Mug o? Snot, waiting for Nick.

Suddenly the place is swarming with Infernal Service agents with one hand to their ears, speaking into tiny microphones. They secure the area for The Big Red One?s imminent arrival.

He appears suddenly, impeccable in a dark pinstriped Brioni double-breasted. His handshake is firm, if somewhat scalding. Easing himself into a seat, he offers me a cigar and asks if I?m enjoying my stay in Hell. We make small talk about the weather (it is currently raining feet) and the food (unfortunately, the name of the restaurant is also the menu). Then I hit him with my questions:

?So, was pride really why you got cast out of Heaven??
?NOT AT ALL. THE TRUTH IS THAT WHEN WE WERE ALL LITTLE ANGELS, ME AND MY FRIENDS USED TO BEAT UP GOD?S SON ON THE PLAYGROUND. WHO KNEW DADDY WAS SO DAMNED PROTECTIVE??

?A lot of actors have portrayed you in movies. Any particular favorites??

?JACK NICHOLSON. HE?S THE ONE WHO LOOKS AND ACTS THE MOST LIKE ME?ESPECIALLY OFF-CAMERA. I?LL HAVE TO THANK HIM WHEN HE GETS HERE.?
?You?ve had a lot of what you would probably consider successes in you career: the Garden of Eden, the Black Death. What are you most proud of??

?CD CLEANERS. THEY DON?T REALLY WORK. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!?

?Why do good things happen to bad people??

?I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU A PHILOSOPHICAL REASON?BUT HONESTLY? BECAUSE IT?S SO DARNED FUNNY.?

?What?s the worst torture you?ve ever devised??

?DID YOU HAPPEN TO MEET JIM MORRISON WHILE YOU WERE HERE??

?Uh, yeah. You?re a cruel entity. How about Armageddon? Has Don King asked for pay-per-view rights when you and God finally duke it out??

?LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME AND DON KING TOGETHER IN THE SAME ROOM??

?No. Do you mean???

?THAT?S ALL I?M GOING TO SAY ON THAT SUBJECT.?

?Can you tell me when the Armageddon will occur??

Unfortunately, right at that moment one of Satan?s assistants whispers into his ear.

?SORRY. SOMETHING JUST CAME UP, AND I?VE GOT TO GO.?

?But I?ve spent 15 years riding on a turd just to talk to you.?

Satan turns to me, and his eyes begin to glow like two tiny Chernobyls. I decide not to press my luck.

?Well, thanks for your time. Maybe you could have Xghzqtk [Satan reaches over and punches me in the face] show me back to the boat, so I can get home to file this story.?

?OH, YOU?RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. YOUR BOSS SAID I CAN KEEP YOU AS LONG AS THEY GET YOUR NOTES. HAND THEM OVER.?

A couple of brawny demons then haul me off and install me in my own little slice of eternal damnation. But as they walk away, I just have to know:

?Will I be getting a byline??

-=~THE END~=-


Hell At A Glance:
Temperature: .00000001 degrees hotter than you could possibly stand
Total square miles: Never mind?there?s always room for one more
Highest point: The steel spike driven into Wilt ?Hey, I?m Not Dead Yet? Chamberlin?s head
Form of government: Totalisadism
Legal holidays: National ?Your Balls Swell Up to the Size of Schnauzers but Remain Inside Your Sac? Day
Festival of a Thousands Paper Cuts
Shin-Bashing Week
Unit of currency: The scream
Major exports: Wet dreams, murderous thoughts, and novelty Valentine?s Day Candy
Major imports: You





--------------------
Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love.


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Invisiblethegatewaydrug
my burning sunwill some dayrise

Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,987
Loc: wherever i may roam
Re: My Visit to Hell [Re: SkorpivoMusterion]
    #4710979 - 09/25/05 07:52 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

sounds fun


--------------------
May God have mercy upon my enemies, because i won't.

General George S. Patton
:paranoid:


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InvisibleCowgold
Bullshit

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 12,486
Loc: .
Re: My Visit to Hell [Re: thegatewaydrug]
    #4711025 - 09/25/05 08:09 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

Sounds fun kinda like getin kicked in the nuts.


--------------------
"You might not be aware of this, but there are a lot of dickheads on the Internet." - D. Wong


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OfflineCaRnAgECaNdYS
Tool's groupie
Female User Gallery

Registered: 04/09/04
Posts: 11,505
Loc: Billy Howerdel's closet Flag
Last seen: 1 month, 10 days
Re: My Visit to Hell [Re: Cowgold]
    #4711154 - 09/25/05 08:52 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

.....


--------------------

The secret to being funny is to say smart things stupidly, or is it stupid things smartly? Whatever..it's not rocket surgery...or something like that.


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Offlineiateshaggy
i haxor 360s
Male User Gallery

Registered: 05/20/05
Posts: 4,650
Loc: 612 Warf Avenue, next to....
Last seen: 2 days, 15 minutes
Re: My Visit to Hell [Re: CaRnAgECaNdY]
    #4711175 - 09/25/05 08:59 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

i thought for a minute this was about my home town.


--------------------
You are a filipina sex goddess who wants to fuck me until I fall asleep, so then you can tickle my balls and see if the legend of my diamond filled nutsuck is true.  I am a white man from costa rica, who smells like lime jello.


I can flash/jtag/repair 360's, pm for details.


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Offlinedr0mni
My Own Messiah
 User Gallery

Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 2,921
Loc: USF Tampa, Fl
Last seen: 9 years, 5 months
Re: My Visit to Hell [Re: iateshaggy]
    #4711556 - 09/25/05 10:46 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

HAHa!.. good one...


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Re: My Visit to Hell [Re: SkorpivoMusterion]
    #4711571 - 09/25/05 10:49 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

SkorpivoMusterion said:
My visit to hell.





You went to Gary, Indiana?


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InvisibleTheFakeSunRa
your good friend <3
 User Gallery

Registered: 03/02/05
Posts: 11,604
Loc: Pelican Bay SHU Program
Re: My Visit to Hell [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #4712949 - 09/26/05 06:52 AM (11 years, 2 months ago)

Some great laughs in there mate. Good job!


--------------------
What is this? It is a prolate spheroid, an elongated sphere in which the outer leather casing is drawn tightly over a somewhat smaller rubber tubing. Better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football.

-John Heisman

"I didn’t dive on one fumble because the way my leg was (positioned)," Newton told reporters in Charlotte on Tuesday. "It could have been contorted in a way. You say my effort? I didn’t dive down. I fumbled - that’s fine. That’s fine. We didn’t lose the game because of that fumble.”

-Scam Newton


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Offlinelechuck
hash smoker

Registered: 06/22/05
Posts: 1,124
Loc: mediterranean sea
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
Re: My Visit to Hell [Re: TheFakeSunRa]
    #4713134 - 09/26/05 10:02 AM (11 years, 2 months ago)

great, good one


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InvisiblelIllIIIllIlIIlIlIIllIllIIl
Stranger
 Arcade Champion: Airfox

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 11,123
Loc: Texas
Re: My Visit to Hell [Re: SkorpivoMusterion]
    #4714217 - 09/26/05 02:54 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

Free entertainment, many thanks!


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