I truly dont understand whether or not it is the social workers or psychiatrists. But my parents recently cut off my therapy sessions. In the beginning I had the hope of some sort of breakthrough through treatment. But now that I look at it, im off the 5 medications I was on and things seem so damn different. I dont feel like im releasing myself towards self destruction, I feel like I freed myself, and im now on the edge of survival. So how do I necessarily put this in terms of example. Well before I started going to a psychiatrist, I had an uncanny dark childhood that I cant quite comprehend anymore. It involved abuse, self inflicted malnutrition, and hallucinations. And this was only when I was a toddler. But overall I see my family to be soo normal, like nothing bad could have possibly ever happened. But I know their old enough to remember, old enough to remember the wrongs and rights everytime they even give me a hug. Honestly I dont even care about those days anymore, I somewhat adapted myself into a completely real-time perspective. I just keep going through these phases of either blaming the world, the people, then the silence, the awkward beauty, self degradation, sad temper tantrums. And then it all goes back to the silence. Sometimes I think im looking at myself, like a mirror. Theres the science of things, everything is beginning to look so insignificant. I stay home, i dont go out much. I developed a sort of fake sociability, now I seem to have forgotten who I was yesterday,... a few years ago. I somehow simplified my mind. It went from 4/8ths to a 1/2. Ive seemed to have lost things, habits, trust, friends. I feel blameless. Im very confused with myself, and I feel that I will be for the rest of my life. Im very intimidating, i seem to have trouble even talking to my older sister. People will always describe me the way the see me, but what about when they didnt see. I feel like I played this dangerous mind scheme thats waiting to explode. My emotional problems before.... very extreme and spontanious, I can feel divine emotions to a feeling of blood lust. I cut off all the shrinks, they know im unstable. I hate the medicine, i just dont know. I dont know what to think about it I dont know what it did, but I will never feel the same way again. Even having the mindset of things not working out induce the feeling of confinement "This man has a history of emotional drama and drug use, his depression is untreatable. Im really sick of noticing more and more things that are so deceptive of a beautiful God given reality. I hate the exploitation of living. Yet I dont mean it, I meant it for like a second really. I dont wanna say im going crazy I cant be, there are people out there that are like me, no one thinks im crazy so im not. Theres just not perspective but i dont know why im on some stupid website trying to justify the facts, hear the possible opinions that at a point wont even matter because of the incredible machine in my skull. I dont know what to do with it I dont know how to use it. Im sorry I know most of you arent going to read this. In fact im actually hesitating to submit it.
edit
I just read what I wrote, and I dont know who wrote it. Like I dont know how I mean that but somehow I do, I do this everytime I write something but not when I talk. Am i just a good story teller? I cant even believe myself anymore, but tomorrow I will, and at a point I wont, and that will do watever to my recepter prolly do good or bad I dont know. Im almost afraid to read this over because I know I will write again, the never ending perspectives and stuff I just dont know what to do with myself. However I keep myself busy, this is what the free time leads to, a complete confusion, frustration.
Edited by Jon (09/21/05 10:47 PM)
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Jon 
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Nothing you are going through is serious. Try to remember that. 
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