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I truly dont understand whether or not it is the social workers or psychiatrists. But my parents recently cut off my therapy sessions. In the beginning I had the hope of some sort of breakthrough through treatment. But now that I look at it, im off the 5 medications I was on and things seem so damn different. I dont feel like im releasing myself towards self destruction, I feel like I freed myself, and im now on the edge of survival. So how do I necessarily put this in terms of example. Well before I started going to a psychiatrist, I had an uncanny dark childhood that I cant quite comprehend anymore. It involved abuse, self inflicted malnutrition, and hallucinations. And this was only when I was a toddler. But overall I see my family to be soo normal, like nothing bad could have possibly ever happened. But I know their old enough to remember, old enough to remember the wrongs and rights everytime they even give me a hug. Honestly I dont even care about those days anymore, I somewhat adapted myself into a completely real-time perspective. I just keep going through these phases of either blaming the world, the people, then the silence, the awkward beauty, self degradation, sad temper tantrums. And then it all goes back to the silence. Sometimes I think im looking at myself, like a mirror. Theres the science of things, everything is beginning to look so insignificant. I stay home, i dont go out much. I developed a sort of fake sociability, now I seem to have forgotten who I was yesterday,... a few years ago. I somehow simplified my mind. It went from 4/8ths to a 1/2. Ive seemed to have lost things, habits, trust, friends. I feel blameless. Im very confused with myself, and I feel that I will be for the rest of my life. Im very intimidating, i seem to have trouble even talking to my older sister. People will always describe me the way the see me, but what about when they didnt see. I feel like I played this dangerous mind scheme thats waiting to explode. My emotional problems before.... very extreme and spontanious, I can feel divine emotions to a feeling of blood lust. I cut off all the shrinks, they know im unstable. I hate the medicine, i just dont know. I dont know what to think about it I dont know what it did, but I will never feel the same way again. Even having the mindset of things not working out induce the feeling of confinement "This man has a history of emotional drama and drug use, his depression is untreatable. Im really sick of noticing more and more things that are so deceptive of a beautiful God given reality. I hate the exploitation of living. Yet I dont mean it, I meant it for like a second really. I dont wanna say im going crazy I cant be, there are people out there that are like me, no one thinks im crazy so im not. Theres just not perspective but i dont know why im on some stupid website trying to justify the facts, hear the possible opinions that at a point wont even matter because of the incredible machine in my skull. I dont know what to do with it I dont know how to use it. Im sorry I know most of you arent going to read this. In fact im actually hesitating to submit it.
edit I just read what I wrote, and I dont know who wrote it. Like I dont know how I mean that but somehow I do, I do this everytime I write something but not when I talk. Am i just a good story teller? I cant even believe myself anymore, but tomorrow I will, and at a point I wont, and that will do watever to my recepter prolly do good or bad I dont know. Im almost afraid to read this over because I know I will write again, the never ending perspectives and stuff I just dont know what to do with myself. However I keep myself busy, this is what the free time leads to, a complete confusion, frustration.
Hi Jon, Read the first four Carlos Castanada books. You sound like you might be ready for them. Don't stop if the first book seems trivial they will take you somewhere you don't expect. You may see the benefit in adopting the warriors way of living. This is the best "advice" you are going to get. So check it out before you do whatever it is you think you are going to do. Nothing you are going through is serious. Try to remember that.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
It definitely cant be serious. But its a rather lucid nuisance that just seems to bother me. I know I am capable of doing anything to my mind, its like how everyone decides to imagine the taste of water. How do you live inside and outside of the house at the same time. Because thats what it feels like right now, a simultaneous everything, and opposition against anything. I can create people in my mind, and I seemed to have done that before as a child. The bad thing about this is that theres no one to really talk to. Its not something you can really make sense in words, even when I have my impromptu moments of tendency that I cant even describe, but for some odd reason emotionally bothers me. I feel like a fuckin alien now and if I want to beleive it I can. Im becoming fascinated over the things my mind can do, and now I feel like I gotta put together a rubix cube. And I never solved the damn puzzle. This guiltless, matterless, careless world we try to enjoy, no longer being able to subvert the before simple great powers today no longer so simple. This would only refine itself to believe I gotta go out more or something? But really to do what, collect thoughts? Cool off? Does that even define in my terms, my choices. I guess im just trying to say that discovering the difference between if what the mind is seeing through the eyes, or what the eyes are seeing through the mind. As for Carlos Castanada ill definitely look into it. I heard of a few of his books.