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Offlinesignoffate
Only Human
Registered: 02/22/05
Posts: 161
Loc: Where is here?
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
lasting relationships
    #4019807 - 04/06/05 01:51 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Whats the key here? I don't only mean with the opposite sex but with close friends and family members also. I've only had the pleasure of a few true friends though out my life, and these were strong bonds... or so I thought. I'm still on good term with these people but everything about them seems so distant now, I know we all change, but there must be a underlying issue in my person which I am as of yet ignorant of.
For starters I have trouble connecting with people around me. I almost never start conversations, and when I muster the courage to do so, immediately my head starts swimming in chaos.... *What should I say next?, did they want to talk?, am I acting normal?, is it OK to ask a question?, are they bothered by me?, was I sincere?, were they?, and so on. This is weird I know! But if I walk into a crowded room, I tense up and I feel like I can't be natural anymore.

I don't know why I am trying to build lasting relations if I can't even initiate them most of the time!

Fuck!


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Offlinestefan
work in progress

Registered: 04/11/01
Posts: 8,932
Loc: The Netherlands
Last seen: 6 days, 1 hour
Re: lasting relationships [Re: signoffate]
    #4020176 - 04/06/05 03:55 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

*What should I say next?, did they want to talk?, am I acting normal?, is it OK to ask a question?, are they bothered by me?, was I sincere?, were they?



answers in order of your q's
-It'll come to mind automatically when having a convesation (sometimes not :smirk:)
-maybe not, but why are they talking to you now then!?
-nobody is paying attention if you're acting normal when you don't do anything that's REALLY strange. don't worry.
-Yes you can ask questions, people like to answer questions and it keeps the conversation going and you can get into other topics.
-maybe, but probably not. don't worry.
-that's only something you know but if you really weren't sincere you would know it I think.
-maybe not, but most of the time they probably are. The only way finding that out is getting to know them better.

all I want to say here is that you just worry too much about irrational things. Lets just pich 1 example from the questions above. "Am I acting normal?"
When you talk to people do you pay attention if they act mormal or not? Probably not! And neither do they. Try to view all those things from your own point of view like you're the other person talking to someone. Other people Will most likely act the same as you do so there's actually nothing to worry about.
The only way to get over this is TALK to people. Everytime you want to say something and are scared to do it, just do it! Nothing serious can happen. And so what if someone thinks you're weird or doesn't like you. You just can't be liked by every single person :smirk: There are plenty that like you and like talking to you. Like with most things social interaction is something that you need to practice to get better at. good luck :thumbup:


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Offlinealsey
meet me in thedreamtimewater...

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 1,203
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: lasting relationships [Re: signoffate]
    #4020399 - 04/06/05 06:35 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

your problem is self conciousness. you're afraid what people will think of you if you say certain things. its a problem i had when i was younger, and i'm still not completely over it. you need to realise that if you open up and talk freely, people will start liking you more and friendships will form a lot faster.

the 'what to say next' bit is the most difficult. if you can get over that hurdle, the rest of it just flows. just talk about anything. your day, your interests, anything you have planned for the near future. try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. people like having conversations. the topics will be somewhat inane at first, but that's normal. you'll start talking about meaningful stuff later. if you're worried about acting 'normal', just try and think about the similarities between you and whoever you're talking to. that should help relax tension. if you are bothering someone, they'll make it known to you. if they aren't making any signs that they're annoyed, then chances are you're not bothering them so you don't need to worry about it. if someone carries on talking to you, then you certainly aren't bothering them!

as for true friends; that's another matter. some people you really connect with, some you don't. whether you meet a lot of people that you really connect with or not is a matter of luck really. you can increase your chances by going out to social events and stuff, but you can't just make true friends. you either meet them or you don't.


--------------------
"Gently return to the simple physical sensation of the breath. Then do it again, and again, and again. Somewhere in this process, you will come face-to-face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels." - ven. henepola gunaratana


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OfflineUncleMike
Visionary
Male

Registered: 05/18/03
Posts: 964
Loc: S.W. Virginia
Last seen: 8 years, 15 days
Re: lasting relationships [Re: alsey]
    #4020663 - 04/06/05 10:09 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

I have to agree with alsey. You are worring too much what others think about you. you need to relax and just just let the conversation flow.

As far as friends are concerned you can never really be sure of them.The only people you can count on is your family.They will stand by you through thick and thin.


--------------------
Live each day like it will be your last, tomorrow my never come.
SporeSmart


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InvisiblePsychoactive1984
PositiveCynicist
Male
Registered: 02/06/05
Posts: 3,546
Loc: California, Monterey Coun...
Re: lasting relationships [Re: UncleMike]
    #4021175 - 04/06/05 12:43 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

-Honesty
-Integrity
-Being genuine
-Not giving a shit if people don't accept you or not. If you're honest with yourself... that's about all that matters.


--------------------
"Their is one overriding question that concerns us all: How can we get out of the fatal groove we are in, the one that is leading towards the brink?" Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
"We may not be capable of eradicating the corruption of reason, but we must nevertheless counter it at every instance and with every means." Dan Agin
"Politics is the best religion and politicians are the worst followers."
-It's ok to trip as long as you don't fall.
-Substance over Style.
-Common sense is uncommon.


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Invisiblep4kSouL
Animals Are Cool
Registered: 01/13/05
Posts: 3,666
Re: lasting relationships [Re: Psychoactive1984]
    #4024028 - 04/07/05 12:46 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

When you are approaching social events always come in with a positive attitude. No matter how hard it is be positive and just brake through the negative barrier. Takes practice. The more you practice at being positive the more your mind will adapt to it and your negative anxiety will fade. You can do anything you put your mind to its just up to you... :smile: :thumbup:


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Offlinesignoffate
Only Human
Registered: 02/22/05
Posts: 161
Loc: Where is here?
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: lasting relationships [Re: p4kSouL]
    #4024686 - 04/07/05 03:40 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Thanks everyone.
I think I think about myself too much, I need to get out of my head from time to time and just live in the world we all share. It felt good to be honest with myself and express these issues I have, maybe it's a sign that I am making some kind of progress... well who knows, we'll see.
I hope I can start integrating some of this advise, but it's tough to just let it flow, and being positive is really hard some days... especially when your feeling alone.

Over the past year I been realizing a tendency for me to try and gain sympathy, to stand out and not involve myself so that others might view me as some unique anomaly... We all want attention, this is the way I adapted I suppose. Now is the time to change this drama!

Thanks again,
I really appreciate the friendly advice.


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Offlinealsey
meet me in thedreamtimewater...

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 1,203
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: lasting relationships [Re: signoffate]
    #4025034 - 04/07/05 07:44 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

i know its a lot easier said than done. it takes time and effort, but you will get there eventually.


--------------------
"Gently return to the simple physical sensation of the breath. Then do it again, and again, and again. Somewhere in this process, you will come face-to-face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels." - ven. henepola gunaratana


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OfflineGomp
¡(Bound to·(O))be free!
Male User Gallery

Registered: 09/11/04
Posts: 10,866
Loc: I re·side [primarily] in...
Last seen: 1 month, 29 days
Re: lasting relationships [Re: signoffate]
    #4026821 - 04/07/05 04:55 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

signoffate said:
Whats the key here?  I don't only mean with the opposite sex but with close friends and family members also.  I've only had the pleasure of a few true friends though out my life, and these were strong bonds... or so I thought.  I'm still on good term with these people but everything about them seems so distant now, I know we all change, but there must be a underlying issue in my person which I am as of yet ignorant of. 
For starters I have trouble connecting with people around me.  I almost never start conversations, and when I muster the courage to do so, immediately my head starts swimming in chaos.... *What should I say next?, did they want to talk?, am I acting normal?, is it OK to ask a question?, are they bothered by me?, was I sincere?, were they?, and so on.  This is weird I know!  But if I walk into a crowded room, I tense up and I feel like I can't be natural anymore.

I don't know why I am trying to build lasting relations if I can't even initiate them most of the time!

Fuck!




Love will not last, unless you make it... :wink:

anything :wink:


--------------------


--------------------
Disclaimer!?


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