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OfflineHBS
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Registered: 04/06/01
Posts: 42,528
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All great things must come to an end ...
    #373121 - 08/16/01 04:50 PM (15 years, 3 months ago)

OK i just typed up my trip report from lasnight but my computer fucked up and the entire story is gone. I'll try to write it up again.

I used to live for tripping. I couldn't wait to get my hands on shrooms or acid or whatever I could find. Because of what happened lasnight, I don't think I could ever trip again, at least not for a fucking hell of a long time.

My friend and I dosed at 11 on a half eighth for each of us. By 11:30 we started to feel the effects, head rush, minor visual changes. By 12 we decided to eat the other eighth to make the trip longer and stronger. We had NO idea what we were in for. So we started watching Alice In Wonderland to chill out and get into the mood. At 12:30 or so we were feeling a lot of effects, we felt cold, our heads were pumping and visuals were starting to come into play at an amazingly rapid pace. I started to get nervous wondering how far we were gonna go. I kept reassuring myself I would have the time of my life: I haven't tripped since the beginning of summer and pretty much the entire summer was waiting for the day I finally got shrooms, I should be enjoying myself. By 1:00 I started the peak (the journey into hell). Time slowed down like it didn't exist. My entire vision was clouded with not happy colors and little funny elves, but rather a vision of hell and purgatory. Everywhere I looked I found billions of tiny eyes and grinning smiles. Not like a happy smile, but rather an evil smile, like they were all laughing at us. Like they were punishing us. I found it impossible to get comfortable, as everywhere I looked for comfort turned out to scare me more. Even my blanket which I hope would be warm and thick and comforting, turned out to be absolutely hollow with billions of frightening little eyes staring at me and breathing. Not one thing in the room was happy -- we even had Bob Marley playing with the happiest songs but I just couldn't find enjoyment. I was freaking out to an extreme degree. My friend assured me he was having fun, so I just decided to keep my nightmare to myself. I felt so utterly alone as I have never felt before. All these faces were staring and grinning at me with just the scariest "smiles" I have ever seen. I've seen these faces before on previous trips, but never to this degree. And I couldn't get away from them. When I closed my eyes, I saw the colors and patterns which I used to get on trips but they scared me too -- and the faces reappeared under the pattern, as if teasing me like "Too bad you can't have these patterns." By 2 am I was totally immersed in hell, the absolute worst nightmare I could ever think of. I felt like the madd hatter -- I really went into madness. I couldn't tell any real thing from a fake thing. No words made sense to me. I couldn't bear to look at my friends face because he had that same grin that all the other faces had (but I also had the same grin on my face, though subconsciously). Not one thing of comfort in the entire room. Everything was breathing and "laughing" at me and freaking me out as I have never and hopefully will never be. The absolute scariest, most unbearable part of the entire trip happened at exactly 2:12 am. I looked at the clock to see how much longer I was going to trip, and then I looked away. I went into a completely different world (hell) with only absolute madness all around me. The purest, absolute worst, scariest madness. At this exact time is when "time" came to an absolute standstill. After what truly seemed like a frightening eternity, I looked back at the clock only to find it was STILL 2:12AM. I went into such a panic that I was reduced to nothing more than a small, scared animal. I forgot I ever had a normal life, a normal family, friends ... I didn't think there was any other life for me than 2:12 AM. After another eternity of pain and suffering, I looked back at the clock to see that it was STILL 2:12 AM. And no, this was not a hallucination. I could see with my eyes clear as day that it was the same time for what really felt like weeks. It just didn't change. I was convinced that I would never be a normal person, I have turned into a true mental patient. I didn't know anything, I was confused and just plain scared. 2-3 AM was the longest time I have ever experienced. The absolute bottom of the barrel. I really could never explain the terror I felt, you have to experience it to understand. There is so much more but it would take way too long to write up. From about 2 to 3, I started to try and "play" Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 but I was so lost in another world of utter madness that i did nothing in the entire game but go back in forth in the half pipe for eternity. There was nothing else existing in life, just pain and suffering. When even one minute passed by, I was absolutely ecstatic. Really, one minute was such an amazing difference and refreshing thing, knowing that this nightmare will hopefully soon end with every passing minute. By 3 (literally years later) I began to finally come down, and I started to talk to my friend whom i said almost nothing to the entire time. I told him exactly how I felt and he agreed that that was EXACTLY what he experienced, as well. he thought I was having fun so he didn't want to say anything, and I thought he was having fun so I didn't say anything the entire trip. We were just kidding ourselves. I really didn't have one second of fun the entire trip. 3 - 3:30 felt like a very long time as well, but at least minutes were moving by. That's all I cared. The more reality came back to me the happier I got. The second I realized what a word meant I was so happy to be back from such a terrible place. At about 4, I was getting back to reality at a slow but sure pace, but my friend started to trip hard again, and experienced the hell for i think 15 or so minutes more, then we both came down quicker. I was so excited to come back and see my friends in the morning, just anything so long as it wasn't seeing the faces from the trip. Anything connected to reality made me happy. Even just a little sticker, reminding me that the pain is over. There really is so much more to say, but I can't go on forever about how this trip truly changed me. Even when I was pretty much back to baseline, I felt mentally and physically abused. Like a rape victim. My entire body ached and my mind was destroyed and tired, but neither my friend nor I could go to sleep because the second we closed our eyes we started seeing and feeling the fear that we did before. We were scared to fucking blink. It is one of those trips that I am happy I took because it taught me so much, but unfortunately it taught me and made me realize a lot of things I wish I never had to realize. I would never repeat this trip if I was even payed to do it. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the places I went in the trip. Just too fucking much. My friend, I found out, thought that he had barbed wire stuck in his arm through the trip. He actually saw it and actually felt it, piercing his skin. We both, right before going to sleep around 6 or so, came to the ultimate conclusion that we are still not ready for the psychedelic realm. Sometimes the realm can be fun, but sometimes (like lasnight) it can be so amazing frightening that no words or expressions could explain it. We realized that playing with such amazingly powerful substances was like playing with the gods. The entire trip was the faces (the gods) tormenting us, saying "You aren't ready and therefore must be punished for even trying to play with the gods." This trip was even more powerful than my 3 1/2 hit acid trip from a while back which I was able to handle. I just hope nobody else has to go through what I or my friend went through, I'm sure many people are not stable enough to survive something like that.

Anyway, thanks for reading this and thanks for always guiding me along, and providing help whenever I needed. I feel like I grew up with the Shroomery, like everybody on this board is family. I wish you all well in your psychedelic excursions, but me, I'm finished (at least for many years). Until I feel ready for such an experience again (which I don't think I will ever be) I am signing off of this experience. I wish you all the best.

Sean

We're all MADD here...


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Offlinegnrm23
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: HB]
    #373214 - 08/16/01 07:47 PM (15 years, 3 months ago)

whoa...
so "hell" and "eternity" are no longer mere abstractions, eh?
glad you are back reasonably safe reasonably sound...
sometimes part of our education can be incredibly painful, yes?
enjoy consensus reality for a while... if you decide to begin re-exporing imaginal realms, consider meditative methods...
take care of yourself, friend... be well...
(huxley's second book on psychedelics was titled _heaven and hell: the antipodes of the mind_)
Q; did you have any "antidote" on hand? just wondering...

old enough to know better
not old enough to care


--------------------
old enough to know better
not old enough to care


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OfflineHBS
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: gnrm23]
    #373223 - 08/16/01 08:10 PM (15 years, 3 months ago)

no, i actually was planning on having antidote (xanax or valium) on hand for my "next" trip, but lasnight I figured I was in a great mood and figured nothing was going to go wrong and have the time of my life...however i am glad not to have had "antidote" on hand. If I am going to take the risk of tripping I might as well brave it out, no matter how hard it gets. I never thought anything could become that intense and emotionally devastating, but I am glad to have survived it without the use of antidotes. I feel that much stronger, and I learned so much from the trip. However most of what i realized has depressed me ... just shit about life, and how a lot of what i used to believe i really actually don't believe in ... and just so much.

i probably will trip again one day, under better conditions, using a much smaller dosage. 3.5 gm of pan cyanescens was a giant step up from my half-eighth cubie journey lastime.

i thin the shrooms just tought me a very hard lesson. i (like many others) thought i was invincible. I did 3 1/2 hits of acid, it can't possibly get stronger than that (what i was thinking). But oh was I surprised. It was 10 times stronger than my acid trips, just because of the emotional trauma and madness it put me through

We're all MADD here...


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Offlinehatter
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: HB]
    #373244 - 08/16/01 08:41 PM (15 years, 3 months ago)

Like I was getting at yesterday, take everything you thought you knew about mushroom trips vs. acid trips, wad them up and throw them out the window...Even though it was a seemingly awful trip, there is always something to be learned from each and every trip both good and bad, and it seems you did some soul searching, so that is good...Glad you are ok.

How is a raven like a writing desk?

How deep is the rabbit hole? To find out, go.to/FreeSporeRing


--------------------
How is a raven like a writing desk?

How deep is the rabbit hole? To find out, go.to/FreeSporeRing


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OfflinesHemp13
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: HB]
    #373271 - 08/16/01 09:31 PM (15 years, 3 months ago)

"I forgot I ever had a normal life, a normal family, friends ... I didn't think there was any other life for me than 2:12 AM. "

I had exactly the same happen to me a few months back. It was like everything that had ever happened and I experienced in life was a false memory that never really existed, I had just made up inside my mind that exact moment. It was probably the greatest yet most terrifying time in my entire life. I litterally felt like I was about to die, I remember being in a public washroom trying to throw up badly but I couldn't, I was having terrible stomach pains and everything around me just frooze. I knelt down by the toilet and thought "there is no such thing as god, and I'm about to die unexisist". I was terrified. Finally I got the strength to take a drink of water, sit down and simply 'give in' and wait. Luckily about two minutes later I started to come back to reality, which was the happiest feeling.

This hasn't discouraged my use of psychadelics though. Just next time I will pick a better place to trip and take a lower dosage. I have a newfound respect for them.

____________________
???-F?tter mein Ego!-???


--------------------



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InvisibletrendalM
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: HB]
    #373292 - 08/16/01 09:57 PM (15 years, 3 months ago)

I'm sad to hear we're loosing you. All I can say is that you should (as always!) try to learn from your experience, and to incorporate what you do learn into your life. You've paid the price for your entertainment (we all do), I truely do hope that you make your way back to the title of psychonaut.

-----------------------
You haven't lived until you've hotboxed an igloo...


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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Invisiblebigidiot
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Post deleted by Moe Howard [Re: HB]
    #373317 - 08/16/01 10:59 PM (15 years, 3 months ago)



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OfflineTrauM
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: Anonymous]
    #373376 - 08/17/01 12:10 AM (15 years, 3 months ago)

Hey I think that kinda way about life too in a sense that I dont believe in things such as satan.

Im off to another nice *bowl* of weed now, bye bye.

Catch me @ codred.xs3.com


--------------------
Oh what a tangled web we weave when we practise to deceive..


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InvisibleCLuB99
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: HB]
    #373381 - 08/17/01 12:18 AM (15 years, 3 months ago)

i had an experience like yours about months ago....i saw japanese demons in a hellish landachape, you know...fire etc, telling (yelling in my mind) me that i was unrespecteful about the mushrooms. what a terrific experience.
i quitted mushrooms for about 6 months, because i was too scared.
now evry time i use them, i pray them to not scare me, i follow the traditional mazatec ritual, and finally i don't do mushrooms just for fun...every time they give you a lesson, depends on you to understand it....if you don't do...they get angry with you.
what's the point of the story then?
mushrooms are sacred tools, you said "We realized that playing with such amazingly powerful substances was like playing with the gods", you got the point....
if you ever try again mushrooms ask yourself why you want to do it...if is just for fun take a very low dose os switch to lsd, or other chemicals.
mushrooms are not for fun, imo. of course they can be fun, but is a god exist, he created the mushrooms to understand him...the real natural church...

hope it helps...not only for you....:)

IL_FUNGO_SACRO la coltivazione, gli enteogeni, in italiano
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Offline~Tripz420~
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: CLuB99]
    #373446 - 08/17/01 02:40 AM (15 years, 3 months ago)

i agree with you club99 about how you can't just take large doses "to get fucked up"!!!! i also have gone through hell, when i took a too large of dose for ME to handle!!!! i was wondering where you got that traditional mazatec ritual???



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InvisibleCLuB99
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: ~Tripz420~]
    #373458 - 08/17/01 03:16 AM (15 years, 3 months ago)

i've read some books about the argument, first of all a book about the life of maria sabina, with her stories, her magicals chants. the book was writed from a mazatec indian.
It's in spanish...don't know if someone has translated in english.
the name of the book is: maria sabina, la sabia de los hongos.
The traditional mazatec rituals is (+ or-) like this:
you can't eat meat or drink alcool or have sex the day of the experience and for the following 3 days, you can't give or receive gifts to anyone in this 3 days, the mushrooms must be "married", you must count your dose in pairs. you must dose in the night. you must pray the mushrooms before eating. etc...
if you break the rules a evil spirit can take your soul or make you insane and sick.

and things like that.

of course for an occidental person most of this rules may appear excessive, but for sure those serve to almost eliminate the danger of bad trips...remember that the mazatecs use mushrooms since hunders of years...we use them since less that 50....
they know how to use them better than we actually do.

in fact tomorrow i'll leave to a town in the sierra mazateca to partecipate my first traditional mazatec mushroom ceremony
see you on monday:)


IL_FUNGO_SACRO la coltivazione, gli enteogeni, in italiano
Support the FSR


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Offline~Tripz420~
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: CLuB99]
    #373468 - 08/17/01 03:58 AM (15 years, 3 months ago)

That sounds interesting!!!! Well have fun :)!!!!!!



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OfflineMANNALORD
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: ~Tripz420~]
    #373492 - 08/17/01 05:00 AM (15 years, 3 months ago)

blue, its too bad you are giving up on the shrooms, but i think if that happened to me, i would do the same. I will be dosing 2 g's of shrooms as soon as i get the necessary components together, aka money, im broke!

somehow, my thoughts are more insane than the mind they spawn from


--------------------
Live and Die in FALL RIVER


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Anonymous

Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: MANNALORD]
    #373507 - 08/17/01 06:09 AM (15 years, 3 months ago)

Post Deleted a la Obscurity


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InvisibleNDK
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: ]
    #373513 - 08/17/01 06:27 AM (15 years, 3 months ago)

I've had similar experiences myself. That mad time distortion you describe rings a huge bell. 150 liberty caps and a world of vile insects springs to mind!

I think you made a mistake not communicating your feelings to your friend as soon as they started. This only breeds guilt and leaves you on your own. That's why I only trip with people I really know and really like. For me, really open communication is a must. When I trip with my girlfriend we make a pact that we will talk about whatever we are thinking about even if it is "negative". We've started towards the badside and talked about it and withing 15 minutes got things onto a positive plane.

The odd thing is that I believe the bad trips come mostly from fear of having a bad trip. It's a stupid vicious circle that is tougher to break the more the drug takes away your conscious mental control and leaves open to the chaos of your mind.

If I were you I'd take some again soon but a much, much lower dose and practice allowing yourself to totally relax into the trip. You'll know when you've achieved it by the unmistakable positive feeling.



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InvisibleFloydian
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: HB]
    #373824 - 08/17/01 09:04 PM (15 years, 3 months ago)

Sounds like you got your first "real" dose of The Fear. The Fear is a very very powerful thing, and yes it does suck when you have it. But you will be much stronger from having experienced it. All true psychonauts have to learn to know and to respect The Fear sooner or later. My first taste of The Fear is documented here on the shroomery. Its a trip report called Pure Fatigue,
http://www.shroomery.org/tripreports.php?action=view&level=3&KeyID=278

it will take time, perhaps a great deal of time, but you will be able to reach those euphoirc peaks again and perhaps be able to go a little further now that you have some experience with The Fear.

Hehe, I've been reading a lot of Hunter S. thompson lately, can you tell? :laugh: Good Luck. Learn From it.

"I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting the Fear."


--------------------
Don't squeeze the pancake batter


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OfflineTrauM
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: Floydian]
    #373864 - 08/17/01 11:32 PM (15 years, 3 months ago)

LOL thats quite a bad trip case u got yourself Club99..

I hate that kinda shit, that kinda shit peaks people out about doing shrooms again..not as if they should or anything ;)

Im off to smoke yet another bowl of some nice dank, dry, PCP-Laced (j/k) Chronic!!

Catch me @ codred.xs3.com


--------------------
Oh what a tangled web we weave when we practise to deceive..


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OfflineAnnoA
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Post deleted by Anno [Re: Floydian]
    #373905 - 08/18/01 12:58 AM (15 years, 3 months ago)



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Invisibleshroom-girlie
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: ]
    #373949 - 08/18/01 03:01 AM (15 years, 3 months ago)

Blue...Hey I hear ya...I have been to hell and back on acid and it was not a pretty site....I know what you were feeling when the clock wouldn't change.... It was like I could feel all the anger and pain and hatred in the world...I couldn't wait for the trip to end..to feel normal again. But thinking back on it I am lucky to have had such a bad trip...I know that that sounds crazy, but I think that I learned more in that trip of how I should live my life and treat others than any other...eventually you will forget what it felt like and will be able to trip again..I tripped on acid one time after that and it was a good trip...I no longer do acid, but I am not afraid of it either...this feeling will go away..take care

"Express yourself completely then become quiet."


--------------------

"Express yourself completely then become quiet."


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OfflineNextGenHippie
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Re: All great things must come to an end ... [Re: HB]
    #374102 - 08/18/01 01:34 PM (15 years, 3 months ago)

That's harsh, man. Lemme see... I think the whole thing stemmed from your insecurity on how far you were gonna go, although I, not having been in your head during the trip have no idea. Respect the mushroom, but do not fear the mushroom, for if you fear the mushroom, that fear feeds into the mushroom, which in turn multiplies it, and feeds it back into you. Search your soul, my friend, try to understand what happened that night, and you will be ready for the mushroom's teachings again.

'The fool on the hill sees the sun going down,
and the eyes in his head see the world spinning 'round'
-The Beatles



--------------------
[pot]Think left and think right[pot]
[pot]and think low and think high[pot]
[pot]Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try[pot]
-Dr. Seuss


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