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Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,355
Loc: In the jungle
    #3723923 - 02/03/05 10:39 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

A good friend of mine died last night. I posted about it in the Pub.  I was feeling just numb and empty at first, but this morning I woke up and it hit me.  She's dead.  I'm never going to see her again.  Her death slams shut a door that has been open since adolescence for me.  She was a surrogate mother not only for me but many other young, trouble teenage girls.  We spent so much time together.  I was over at her house almost everyday during my youth and spent my summers with her for 8 years.  She bought me my first horse.  She did so much for me. 

This morning it's just really hit me.  I haven't been able to stop crying since I woke up.  I feel like a total, worthless wimp.  It pissed me off whenever I decided not to go to my college classes today and my husband tried to persuade me to go.  yeah...like I want to walk around campus sobbing my eyes out everywhere I go and having to explain about...it.  I feel like it's wrong for me to take any time to mourn for this lady.  Like...what's an acceptable mourning time...can't I just have today off?  My husband apologized and said that he supports any decision I make.  Whatever.  I'm not fucking leaving the house today.  At this moment in time I say screw the world. 

So...I guess it's normal to feel this way.  It sucks.  To put it mildly.  I just can't believe that she's dead.  I knew she was going to die (cancer) but I still can't believe she's gone.  It's so unreal.  I just can't believe it.  I don't understand how someone can be so alive and then end up so dead.  It's so weird.  I just don't know how much grieving is acceptable...like, I feel like I have to operate within established perimeters.  But I don't know.  It's just hard that's all.  :frown:

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PsiLLy BiLLy
Male User Gallery Arcade Champion: Chopper Challenge

Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 11,558
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 1 hour, 13 minutes
Re: Death. [Re: MOTH]
    #3724564 - 02/03/05 02:29 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

there really is no "acceptable" amount of time for grieving. youll know when you are done. my grandmother died about a year and a half ago, then shortly after her i had a cousin die. it felt like my family was dropping like flies. i wonder whos next? i dont know if it was the "boys dont cry" attitude or what, but i didnt cry. at all. while the rest of my family sobbed like crazy, i just sat back and showed no emotion. i mean, i did feel bad...i was very close with my grandmother. losing her was awful....yet i couldnt even force myself to cry.

she died of emphysema and was on hospice care for the last few weeks. the day she died we knew it was gonna be that day. she was not responding to us what so ever, breathing really irregularly....we (my brother, father, grandfather, and i) took turns talking to her (they said she could still hear us) holding her hand and what not....dosing her with the liquid morphine they gave her, trying to make her as comfortable as possible. she stopped breathing while i was holding her hand. i watched the life get sucked right out of her. one minute alive, the next dead....i didnt cry.

then a few months later, my dad tells me my cousin was in a car accident and was in a coma. he lived for another day or so, then died. he lived in texas, so i havent really seen him much except for family holidays and what not. he was too young to die. he had a little girl. my grandmother, was old. she lived her life. but him? he had so much to live for.

heres what we found out regarding the events before his death. after work, he and a few buddies decided to hang out and drink some beer. they bought an 18 pack, and went over to my cousins house. as soon as they got there, his two friends left for a bit to take a dog to the vet. when they got back, my cousins car was not there, and his gate to the drive way was all smashed. he left in a hurry, didnt even bother to open his gate. he just drove right through. the beer was still unopened. his car was found 50 miles aways, wrapped around a telephone pole. apparently he was traveling at 90+ mph. when they took blood tests at the hospital, there were no signs of alcohol or drugs in his blood....this info just made it worse. he died, but why? where was he going? why was he in such a hurry? we will never know.

i was devastated by these deaths, yet i did not cry. i felt like crying....i wanted to cry....i tried to cry.....but i didnt. i dont know where im going with all of this. but the truth of the matter is we will all have to deal with close friends/family dieing at some point in our lives. this will not be the last time. and someday, your friends and family will have to deal with your death.

after these deaths i spent alot of time thinking about death. i thought about my death, who it would affect and how they would react. how would i want them to react? how would my grandmother and my cousin want me to react to their deaths? i sure as hell know they wouldnt want me getting all depressed and crying and moping around and shit. and in turn, thats not how i want my friends and family to react to my death. i want a party thrown in my honor. i want people to laugh, and have a good time remembering all the good times they had with me while i was alive.

anyway, everyone grieves differently. some cry, some get angry....some, like me, show no emotion at all. its easier said than done, but try to focus on all the good times you had with your friend. be happy for the time you had with her, not depressed for the time you wont.

how's your WOW?

  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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Pizza Guy

Registered: 07/03/04
Posts: 13,930
Loc: Eating pizza
Re: Death. [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3726616 - 02/03/05 09:31 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Death is so weird... such a hard concept to grasp. Why is it that life can not be permanently sustained? I try to look at things of the death/afterlife nature in a manner which relates to nature. The cells of a person gradually decline in life to make way for the next generation of life (seeing how were basically designed to reproduce). If I were in your situation though, I'd probably be mentally traumatized. Sudden changes such as a close one ceasing to exist would be near-impossible for me to cope with.

I wish I could help console you some way... I guess the best thing to do would be to continue to discuss this with other individuals, especially ones that were acquainted her.

Delicious Pizza

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Registered: 01/29/03
Posts: 236
Loc: Ohio
Re: Death. [Re: MOTH]
    #3728075 - 02/04/05 01:11 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I lost my best friend to a car accident August of last year.I didn't cry when I found out.The next day it hit me hard,I realized he was gone forever.I cryed and felt sick,I still feel sick thinking about it.
I think about it on the daily basis because I didn't go to his funeral.He was my best friend and I should have had enough nuts to go to his wake.
People handle death and mourn in different ways.When someone you love dies,whether it be a family member or a friend,you die alittle bit on the inside.
All you can really do is remember the good times you had.Remember the times you laughed with them and the times you cried with them.
I'm not going to say some cheesy line like "time heals all wounds" because it doesn't.

I can't spell and I have poor grammar.The crap I just posted is proof enough.

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Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
Re: Death. [Re: Society]
    #3728076 - 02/04/05 01:12 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I'm so sorry to hear that Ellemy. When I was 10 years old my mother died suddenly from an asthma attack, so I know what it's like when somebody close to you just vanished in an instant. It's life and it's inevitable. One of the best things is to remember the reality of death (your own and others) so you don't lose the perspective and get taken by surprise. It will be a while before you really feel alright. It could be several months by the time your thoughts catch up to the reality. It's like unconsciously you think about that person and then remember, they're dead. It always seems to come back when you least excpect. But, like anything else, it wears away with time. My condolences.  :heart:

1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."

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Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,355
Loc: In the jungle
Re: Death. [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #3730679 - 02/04/05 03:52 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Everyone was very helpful. I think the main issue I'm dealing with is reconciling the vibrant memories I have of her with the fact that she is dead.

It is getting easier though.

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Ethno Apprentice
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Registered: 10/15/04
Posts: 2,373
Loc: Sailing the Seas of Chees...
Re: Death. [Re: MOTH]
    #3730830 - 02/04/05 04:22 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Im so sorry for your loss man. That really sucks. I know what your going though though. Just think of the times you had together, and a peice of her will alwase be with your soul. I hope you find peace in this terrible time :frown:


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I am the coyote
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Registered: 12/23/04
Posts: 1,565
Loc: out of this world
Last seen: 3 years, 6 days
Re: Death. [Re: ShroomOmatic]
    #3732598 - 02/04/05 11:04 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Death of a loved one is one of lifes true and pure events,it can be the most tragic thing to happen to you,break you down,rip you apart but on the other end it revels lifes true meanings it shows you how to live for the things that matter like love and shows you how to keep your mind body and soul healthy cause it can be taken so easily,and you can pass the message of life on to others.

It all balances out death is about life it is a life lesson.

Got to bag em up!

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