I always here of gay for pay vs gay all around but nobody seems to mention gay when paying. My identity has always been straight. Any I've "come out" a bit more finding myself attracted to the idea of being tricked by a gay man. Into thinking they are a woman. My reaction would not be, to want to beat the shit out of him. It would be more... "How the fuck did you do that I'm straight?!". The more I soul search and trip on shrooms on it. The more clarity I get about my orientation. I could never in any circumstance marry or fall in love with such a man. But the idea of being a client of such a man is such a huge kink. As life can be rough. Dry spells happen. Dry spells make me and many other men very very fucking angry. And if such a man were available and willing to sell a service to me.. It'd be like treating a medical issue. Fixing myself psychologically so that I can just have that shitty angry person taken care of so that I can approach life with a reasonable mind rather than a thirsty angry one. Not only would I feel better during dry spells I'm sure it would be fun. So long as it was always understood that I'm a man I marry and impregnate women and that's it. I'm just getting help. And no I'm not rationalizing it as "being straight because he looks like a chick" its totally gay. To pay a man for sex. Now this is a crime. No plans on doing it. But it feels a little better to know myself better as at least bi. I could never go homo unless I am the payer. Never could I enjoy being a seller of my body. Its cold, dark, but its real. And I ain't a bad guy unless I act on it. Which I won't. Clarity is so.. Freeing either way.
Anyone ever heard of such a sexual orientation? Only gay when they are paying for it?
And I couldn't swing trans honestly thus this is a purely gay orientation. Especially couldn't go for a post op trans. That's just unsettling the self mutilation of it. And I'm not looking for a woman in this. Not looking to validate someone trying trying to become a woman. It's a scenario where I need a very specific setting:
A man whose a pro at appearing like a woman. Who knows there not and is literally just playing a game with me, fixing me up, like a doc in a clinic and its a client/service type of relationship. Its the only setting I'm comfortable being gay. I didn't choose this. Is this wrong?
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