Teach Me, Senpai!
Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Python
Part I: Hunting and Escaping What is This Snake Doing Here?
Table of Contents:THIS INFORMATION NOT AVAILABLE AT YOUR CURRENT CLEARANCE LEVELSo! Some people said they were interested in learning to do the code. Sweet! I'll help facilitate that. Why? Because I feel like it. And maybe it'll make people like me or something. Either way, I'm going to be starting out with everyone's favourite beginner-friendly language: Python.
"But, what are your qualifications?" I hear you ask.
AnnoyingExcellent question! I'm a software engineer by education and trade with a Bachelors in Computer Science from [REDACTED]. I've been writing software in some way, shape, or form for over 25 years and am fluent in multiple languages and technologies. I've worked personally, professionally, semi-professionally, and ecumenically with all aspects of the software development lifecycle.
In short:
this is one of the very, very limited areas in which I can render an opinion as an actual professional.
"But, what about ChatGepetto or what-the-fuck-ever?"
What about it? We will not be needing it. I will show you that fucking anyone can learn to do this shit. Do you have a first language? Can you read? Can you do elementary school level math and think with a modicum of basic, fundamental logic? Then, you can write code. Yes, this shit really is that straightforward.
With that--
"I have more ques--!"
No, you don't. Question time over. Learn time now.
Actually Downloading PythonThis is the easiest part of the whole assignment. If you can't manage this, then you should probably be asking for your pacifier, because what is an infant doing on the internet? Much less on a forum dedicated to mind-altering substances.
Go to
python.org/downloads. It should look something like this:
Scroll down 'til you find this:
"What version do I get? This is too hard!"
...It really isn't. Just pick the latest one. So long as its name starts with "Python 3," you'll be fine. The language doesn't really change much, if at all, between individual releases. Just don't get Python 2. Python 2 is old, unsupported, and bad. Get Python 3.
Got it downloaded? Did you download it from
python.org? Make fuckin' sure, because I don't wanna have you coming to me, bitching because you decided to become the main character in Chuck Tingle's latest novella:
Russian Ransomware Butt Invasion. All good? Bitchin'. Install it.
Once that's done, you'll have access to a couple new things, the one we care about is a program called
IDLE. What is it? It's a basic-as-you-can-possibly-get development environment for Python.
"The fuck's that mean?"
It lets you write code and run it. That's all you'll need. Again, it doesn't get much simpler. Anyway, run that bad boy. You'll be greeted with this:
I'm gonna be using Python 3.9.9 for this, but what I'll be teachin' ya should work for any version after that, too.
But, that new window? That's the interactive Python shell. In a lame man's terms: it lets you type code, hit enter, and make it go.
"I AM THE MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE NOW!"
Calm down there, Sparky. And maybe come down off the 9-hour cocaine binge. For this, we're gonna do a few extremely simple things: create a variable, assign shit to it, and print it out. A variable's just somethin' you store a value in. Bam, see? S I M P L E.
Put the following in the shell:
Code:
msg = 'Kiss my shiny, metal ass!'
And hit enter. "It didn't do anything! It just gave me a new >>> thingie!" That's fine. That means it worked.
Ya see, you now have a variable called "msg," which is almost always shorthand for "message." The single quotes contain what's called a string, basically a series of characters (letters, numbers, and other shit) that represent text. You can use double quotes in Python, as well, like...
Code:
msg = "Kiss my shiny, metal ass!"
That will work just as well and do the exact same thing. There's a very minor difference on what a string enclosed in single vs. double quotes can do, but that's a topic for later.
So! Now, you have a pretty, new variable. So, put that motherfucker to use! Type this into the shell:
Code:
print( msg )
And hit enter.
<WRITER'S NOTE: My code-writing syle's a little different from some folks. But, hopefully, it should be easier to read.>
You should see:
And, there ya have it. You have officially written code without a single lick o' genAI. See how easy that was? It's even quoting Bender Bending Rodriguez at ya! What more could ya want, at this stage?
Well, hopefully, you see how straightforward this shit really is. Python makes things real, real simple. There's a few little bugbears to contend with regarding the specifics of the language, but you really don't get much easier.
NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BALL Z!"What the fuck do you mean by 'if statement?!'"
<THIS SPACE RESERVED FOR LINK TO PART II>
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