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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,381
Loc: In the jungle
musings/ramblings from me
    #2562525 - 04/15/04 08:15 AM (13 years, 3 months ago)

This will be mostly senseless rambling and stuff...please ignore. This could be a vent/rant too. I'm not sure where this is going.

Okay...
I'm about to sign off from my online self-injury support group because I can't stand it there anymore. Everyone is just so condescending and bitchy. Bad vibes.

Then I will officially be adrift. I don't know. I don't even know if I should be posting this but hopefully this is what Support is here for. And hopefully nobody will think differently of me by what I post. I'm feeling especially vulnerable tonight. I know this isn't a self-injury support forum...but the people here are cool so maybe everyone will just let me ramble for a little bit and come in here occasionally to whine. I seem to do that enough anyway.

I would like a therapist. It would be pleasant to have someone to talk to for the issues I sometimes have, even if I'm paying them to listen. But I can't afford one. Sometimes I get so. I don't know. I'm sure people know what I mean...like you're screaming and still nobody hears you? The stupid feelings that no words can express...so I spoke with my skin for awhile. too long.

Now I'm breaking free...healing and recovering from that addiction and the like. Yay, go me. But it's fucking hard sometimes. Not a day passes when I don't think about "it". When will that go away? Will I always think about it? I don't know...it's one of the things I'd ask my therapist about if I had one.

I don't know. I feel like nobody really understands the entire self-injury thing. I feel like nobody gets how hard it is to stop thinking about it and wanting to do it all the time. To be honest...I originally knew that I wanted to stop for good during a heavy mushroom trip about four months ago. I saw it clearly then...the road to recovery. I knew that I could take that path to recovery and not look back. I mean...for years everyone had said to "just stop doing it", but it seemed impossible. Then, in the tight, vise-like grasp of the mushrooms, all of a sudden I saw it as clear as day. I could quit. I could stop doing it. I didn't have to do it anymore.

So there we go. But it's still hard. I guess it's sort of silly to expect results from a 10 year long struggle in a few months. But at the same time I feel sort of proud of not doing it for awhile. I feel like with every day that passes I'm getting a bit braver, and a bit stronger to resist the urges. But then...it gets rocky and suddenly I forget why I wanted to stop in the first place.

Really, that's a mushroom trip that I'll never forget. It really is amazing what the mushroom can show you about yourself...the paths it can reveal. And no, I'm not just being overdramatic or anything. Because if I hadn't have had that experience, I don't think I would have had the resolve to stop.

So I've stopped but the past week has been rough. It could just be my stupid period making me overemotional. That always happens. It's very annoying.

I guess I just have to keep thinking that I'm better off without self injury. And that I can stay cut-free without that awful support forum that I'm leaving. I actually feel alot better for typing this. I might delete this later when my mood shifts again. No need to reply either...just thanks for letting have the space to get this out.





*me*


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Anonymous #1

Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: MOTH]
    #2563099 - 04/15/04 12:35 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Yor posts are always welcome. If it makes you feel better keep doing it. We try not to judge here. I used to be a mild cuter myself. Started in 4th grade. Gave way to tattoos and piercings and the such. Not to mention xtree m sports.

wow my spelling is horrible these days.


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OfflineDreamer987
The VerbalHerman Munster
Female

Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 5,326
Loc: Texas
Last seen: 9 years, 6 months
Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: MOTH]
    #2564147 - 04/15/04 04:23 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Kudos
It sounds like your on the right track. I used to be a cutter too, so i know how it is


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Invisiblejtseaweed
Stranger

Registered: 06/24/02
Posts: 1,325
Loc: in the middle of everywhe...
Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: MOTH]
    #2565013 - 04/15/04 07:26 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Its just like any other addiction. You are always going to want to do it. If it is a tre addiction. I never did it but Ive had friends that did it and one of my best friends used to do it but he stopped because it hurt his parents when he did it.

But yeah its just like cocaine or ciggaretts and any other very addicting thing. Your going to want to do it you just need to tell yourself no. Find other shit to do.I dont know what kind of person you are but me and my friedns are always looking for other shit to do besides drinking and smoking bud.

Usally we pratice our music or go to the park.
Maybe try writing or anything that is not hurting yourself.
Just be stronng and have will power.

just what I think.


--------------------


buisness is kickin yo butt


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OfflineBlowMiNose
Some rise, Somefall, Some climb

Registered: 10/14/02
Posts: 1,189
Loc: The Dirty South...
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: MOTH]
    #2565157 - 04/15/04 08:08 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Good luck not doing it anymore, but it will be rough. Trust me, im battling many of my own horrid demons


--------------------
***--- Have You Opened Your Third eye?! ---***
      :::disclaimer:::this stuff was done in my dreams


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,381
Loc: In the jungle
Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: BlowMiNose]
    #2569500 - 04/16/04 10:57 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Thanks for the replies and support, everyone.  Just another reason why I love this place.  :heart:


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Offlinecastaway
Isanybodyreallyhome?
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Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 553
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: MOTH]
    #2570300 - 04/17/04 06:28 AM (13 years, 3 months ago)

I'd like to help but can't think of anything to say...I had a friend named Jordan over at:
http://www.shirleymaclaine.com/encounterboard/freethreads.pl
who appears to have overcome her own symptoms of that syndrome. If you've got $3 to invest in your therapy then the folks over there can be supportive...altho the place was more lively before they instated the one-time covercharge.


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Anonymous #1

Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: MOTH]
    #2570663 - 04/17/04 12:19 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Does it have to do with like an adreneline rush or some thing?


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,381
Loc: In the jungle
Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: ]
    #2572256 - 04/17/04 11:09 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

It has to do with alot of things...why I did it, that is.  I started doing it because I had such intense emotion.  Like, I would get so frustrated and angry that I thought I was melting...the emotions were horrible to the point where I would do anything to get rid of them...I didn't know how to deal.  so I took it out on myself...

...and then I felt calm and relieved afterward...and "in control", if you know what I mean.  Satisfied. 

I think I'm learning how to handle bad emotions better.  Mostly by trying not to have them anymore.  :crazy:

I started cutting when I was a young girl...10 or 11ish.  My parents were religious freaks who would whip me with the belt if I did not pray or go to church.  Most of the time, they locked me in my room. 

I began reading alot.  Every book was interesting to me, but the most wonderful were the fantasy novels that I got from the school library and bought with my own money from book fairs.  I loved reading them so much.  Well, one day I was reading a fantasy novel in my room, and my dad came in.  He saw the book and ripped it out of my hands and asked me how many of these books I had.  I told him that I got them from book fairs, and he sat down and calmly explained how these books were what Satan was using to get into my brain and corrupt me.  I said that they were only books, but he said thats what Satan wants me to think.  I was confused but I didn't say anything.  When I came home from school one day though, all of my fantasy novels that I had bought were gone.  When I confronted them, they said that they didn't want me reading any more of that 'filth'.  I felt so betrayed that they would do that to me, steal my own books.  If they caught me reading a "secular" book from the library at school, they took it away. 

Also, I was not allowed to listen to anything but Christian music.  I didn't even know who Pink Floyd, Elvis or any famous singers were until I was 18.  Whenever I listened to the "secular" radio, they turned it off and put in little kid Christian music.  My mom still listens to that same old Christian music to this day. 

For that matter, I didn't even know about sex until I was 16 and actually started getting some friends.  They also wouldn't allow me to see a movie or something with my best friend, because he was black.  They said that Jesus said we were supposed to stick within our own flock.  I began lying and sneaking around in shame just to see my best friend.  It just felt so wrong that they wouldn't let me hang out with him because he was black. 

It was such a stifling atmosphere that everything just started building up.  I'm not blaming my parents for the fact that I started cutting, but I think they were a factor.  They finally found out I was cutting because of some blood on my mattress. They took me to the pastor who said I was possessed by a demon.  Even my mom believed him and I felt like she never looked at me the same way.  I spent some time in the mental hospital.  The hospital didn't really find anything wrong with me aside from the cutting and insurance was running out so they sent me back home where I promptly tried to kill myself. 

Yeah...that sucked.  It was pretty stupid...I got my stomach pumped and shit and was even more miserable.  Everything was just getting worse and worse.  And so was the self-injury. 

Anyhow, to make a long story short, I had lots of other emergency room visits before at age 18 I finally moved away to live with Kevin in Austin.  My parents threatened to estrange themselves from me if I went, but I had to get out of there.  I felt like it was a place of death and horror and I knew that if I stayed there, I wouldn't survive.  I ended up not talking to my parents for an entire year. 

Well, our relationship is better now I guess.  Mostly because I'm 300 miles away.  But I feel like I'm living a lie whenever I see them.  Whenever we do visit them, my mom makes Kevin and I have prayer-time with them, and sing stupid Christian songs with them, and go to church with them.  And if I don't, my mom gets all weepy-eyed and depressed and my dad acts all stiff towards me.  Once my parents sent a "missionary" to Kevin and mine's apartment to witness to us.  And then they always harass me about the cutting every time I go up there.  I hate talking about it with them.  It brings back alot of bad feelings. 

And after rereading all that I just wrote, I know I've come a long way.  I'm so much happier and I truly do feel in love with life.  I love living and I love Kevin and I don't ever want to be that miserable again.  I'm glad that I'm trying to recover from the cutting.  I wish that my parents could see me for who I truly am, instead of trying to turn me into what they want me to be.  I've told them a million times that I'm not interested in church or religion, but they just don't stop. 

So, this was long, but I'm glad I wrote it.


*me*


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OfflineDannyT
Danny Tanner
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Registered: 10/12/03
Posts: 1,511
Loc: Souf Carolina
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: MOTH]
    #2572624 - 04/18/04 01:39 AM (13 years, 3 months ago)

I used to be a cutter as well. At around... August of last year was when it reached a climax and I'd have 30 fairly fresh cuts on my legs/chest/arms at any given time. I haven't done it since september but for the past couple of weeks it's sort of been calling me back as I regress emotionally back to how I felt at that time. I wish you all of the luck in the world on keeping it at bay Elle, sooner than later and wish I could help more.


--------------------
Oh, no, man, I feel weird
I'm trying to get the motherfucking fuck out of here
Before there's flowers here
And sour tears




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OfflineViaggio
ChemicalConsumer

Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: DannyT]
    #2573540 - 04/18/04 12:18 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

I'm nowhere into self-injury.  This may sound funny, but when I'm overcome with anger, frustration, etc and there's nothing reasonable to break or destroy, I hit the deck and do a few sets of push-ups.  It's painful, yet productive  :thumbup:


--------------------
"...yet another in a long series of diversions an attempt to avoid responsibility."


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Offlinefilthysock
puresoul

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 2,080
Loc: Bergen, Norway
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: MOTH]
    #2573568 - 04/18/04 12:30 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

wow. you've had some past. Do you feel it has made you a stronger person?


--------------------
Magic mushrooms are not addictive, the shroomery is!


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,381
Loc: In the jungle
Re: musings/ramblings from me [Re: filthysock]
    #2573838 - 04/18/04 02:20 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Yeah...I think I do.  But it's been hard to "get over" everything that has happened.  Sometimes I can't believe what I've done to myself and I get seriously freaked.  Then I remember that its over now, and things are much better now.  I don't know.  I feel like life is rewarding me for hanging in there or something.  Thanks for the support.  :heart:


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