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Shop: Myyco.com Golden Teacher Liquid Culture For Sale   Unfolding Nature Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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A waking nightmare
    #25554544 -

My existence is just that, a waking nightmare. My life completely fell apart in July, just when I thought things were starting to look up I got fired and realized I was in real danger of killing myself. I've known I have depression since 2009 but I was afraid to get help because I knew it was my last option. I tried changing my life on a few occasions and every time it fell apart again, it seemed to get worse.

I'm currently on my 5th different antidepressant since July. It helps me from falling into the paralytic depression I experience sometimes, but it does not help me see a reason to continue on. This was what I was always afraid of, that my situation was hopeless and my last ditch effort would be for nothing. These drugs have sucked all joy from my life, the price to pay for reduced depression feels less and less worth it every day.

I watched a documentary about a guy who survived trying to kill himself off the Golden Gate bridge. After he survived the fall, he said he had been institutionalized 7 times in 11 years. And he seemed so sure that it was worth it, so glad that he hadn't died.

I just don't see how that could be true. It's hard for me to believe these people are telling the truth, but I don't know what they could gain by lying. I dont see how you could be ready to die, not for some stupid reason like getting dumped, but because you are so deeply broken inside, and then learn the desire to live.

If my parents didn't love me so much I would be dead for sure. I know they will never get over my death, and that guilt keeps me from pulling the trigger. But I can't survive on guilt. I've grown afraid of sleeping because it's so seductive, every time I wake up, the first thing I think about is how much I wished I had died in my sleep. As much pain as being awake puts me through, the process of waking up feels like rediscovering my horror every day.

I don't believe anyone can ever love me. I don't believe I will ever have a satisfying life. I've never been in love, I've never had a job worth having. I've managed to push away most of the people in my life, including my sister with whom I was very close.

Please someone tell me how it's possible to feel this bad all the time, to hate myself more than I've ever hated anyone in my entire life, and come out ok? How could there possibly be a light at the end of the tunnel? When is an acceptable time to end it, how long do I have to survive this hell before the world lets me go?

I already have my suicide letter written. I wanted it to be in my phone in case an opportunity presented itself to end my life quickly and painlessly, people in my life deserve at least a letter. I need to know I'm not wasting the precious time of those around me, every day is another day that could be spent mourning my death and moving on. Every day is another opportunity for my misery to get the better of me and fuck up even more things.

I don't think I can climb down this mountain of pain


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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog

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Re: A waking nightmare [Re: bloodsheen]
    #25554616 -

Hey man, you are loved and its really important to remember that ending your life hurts all thr other people in your life for the rest of their lives.  Living with depression can seem endless and painful but these moments will pass and you will find happiness if you continue to seek it actively.  Please look into therapy, it doesnt need to include drugs, and please call one of the hotlines we have stickied here.  They can REALLY help you get out of this rut and get assistance.

You are loved whether you feel it or not.  Please dont take the selfish way out.  The damage caused will cascade for a long time.

<3


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Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus!

quote]Urb said:
I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]

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Re: A waking nightmare [Re: mndfreeze]
    #25557138 -

Hey man, i feel your pain, and i also recognize a lot of it. I have gone through terrible things... undescribably issues and pain.

The only advice i can give you.. is to switch to a vegan diet, this helps cleaning the body, and if you eat loads of fresh fruits and vegs (mainly fruits) and things like potatoes, cooked rice etc etc. it will do body & mind well.

Another thing which i found very important... is how detrimental the habit of pmo is (porn, masturbation, orgasm), we are taught this is just normal enjoyment, but really almost all society is addicted to this stuff, and to be free of it really helps cleaning the soul/spirit (this is an ongoing struggle for me... but i was so heavily into pmo as an escape mechanism.. i honestly believe this is not a good habit, even when done in small amounts... semen is the most potent energy a man has, creating a new life... i honestly believe nowadays this should not be spilled).

Of course these things will not end all problems, but i have seen how much this works as a catalyst (for good n bad) in my life.

Please take it easy, be kind to your self, maybe start writing with your self, take small steps, always think of every little thing that you do "how is this serving me", etc.

Again ofc this is no magic pill, but i believe it has a lot of effect. I was you all the peace in the world man, take care, greetz

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Re: A waking nightmare [Re: VeganRights]
    #25557309 -

^ this is not the right forum for brainless vegan propaganda

OP, I can relate to what you're going through. I had a suicide note in my wallet at one point as well. Looking back, the world then seemed so much smaller to me than it actually was. I hadn't yet experienced all the wonderful loving people that exist, or the things that can bring true happiness. It felt like the walls were closing in. Only now can I see that it was all in my head. I had to learn to open myself up and be vulnerable to take in what existence has to offer. Happiness is fleeting, but acceptance can bring contentment.

Therapy is important in a community-deprived society like ours, and finding the right therapist is almost as important as making the decision to go. Most good therapists offer a free consultation, I'd set up a free consult with 3-5 different ones and pick the one that fits you best.

Self Authoring is an awesome online program if you're dead set against therapy. IMO it combines many of the best and most effective aspects of therapy. I'd even suggest doing it while looking for a therapist. It really forces you to get to the root of what you want out of life, and what in your past/present is keeping you from it.

You might hate yourself, but everyone has flaws and there is probably so much to love about you as well. If you can address those flaws, and just make little steps day after day, you'll likely be surprised where you end up a year from now. You're not backed into a corner, you just have a whole lot of mental weight that needs to be lost.

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Re: A waking nightmare [Re: feevers]
    #25558055 -

Hey its ok, we know how life can bem painful

From real to your reality just face the things as they are and dont make stories like What you Said about your sister maybe She is fine with you just not so close.

Try to see the brightside of life and dont focus so Much in your relationships
If you dont focus on your relationships people Will get backup to see how are you going.

I was strugglin with my emotions almost to tears because was loosing friends because i was out on psychiatrist but after it I got calmer and calmer and after maybe a year I planned a birthday party and a lot of them showed up and we had a Nice party!

Ive grown a lot with shroomery and people here are very acceptant and wise..they know That suffering is a reality but is not Forever.

Wishes of better outcomings than What you are now

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Re: A waking nightmare [Re: feevers]
    #25560118 -

Hey, i can understand it may seem that i was pushing my agenda. But that was not my intention, i honestly believe that eating pure & clean foods will help with physical and mental health issues (has been my own experience). It wont solve everything, but it is a helpful baseline i believe.

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Re: A waking nightmare [Re: VeganRights]
    #25569522 -

Damn, this community has really gone to shit. It would figure the only person to even try registered back when I spent tons of time here, thanks feevers. Glad to see I left for a reason. Nobody gives a fuck about anyone


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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog

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Re: A waking nightmare [Re: bloodsheen]
    #25569638 -

That's a bit harsh man, a bunch of people have tried to help above. Things move more slowly here than they did a few years back.

It sucks to suffer with suicidal ideation, I know, I have felt it myself and seen it in those closest to me.

Only you can help you though when it comes down to it.

Do you exercise, attend therapy, read helpful books, eat well and all those kind of things?

That's what's gonna pull you through.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: A waking nightmare [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #25570401 -

Hey bloodsheen.

I have a thought for you.  Can you be able to open your world-view or change your perspective by doing something completely different in life.? 
Such as.... Are you able to travel somewhere?  Another country.  Even for a little time only.  Well I can ask first where are you from?  Or, how about joining an apprenticeship program.  There is a sheet metal program in my area. Start pay is $27/he minimum.  You work then go to school.  Journeymen make close to $50 an hour after apprenticeship.  You learn hvac and welding, so if you leave the union you still are certified in those trades. 

I am 33.  Single dad of 4 kids since my wife decided to take a dark path.... Maybe "decided" is the wrong way to say it.... She just lost her way.... Maybe still can find it.... But for now she is doing her own thing.... No one who really cares can reach her ... I'm tore up about it man.  I know what it feels like to hurt, in my own way.  I wish you the best.  And don't listen to the lies you tell yourself , that you don't deserve it.  Because you do.  You have a good heart, because if you didn't, you wouldn't give even one shit....

Also - what happened with your sister?

One last thing for now ( until I see what you say about the above) - get rid of the suicide note.  It is a shackle and chain for you.  Get rid of the fucking evil thing.  If you decide to end it someday, and leaving a note means a lot,  then write a new one.  By the time you're done writing it, you may decide to destroy it as well.

And please know.  I had a friend hang himself and die.  I still think about him.  When I hear of someone killing self, I think about him.  I even think of him when I see faces in trees.  Sometimes even just trees.  Sometimes for no reason. Its been over 15 years.  I wish id have gotten to talk to him first....  I hadn't seen him for about a year since I moved out of state.  So we hadn't talked for almost a year.  I will always miss him. 
I had an uncle do it too.  He left behind a son, and a wife, he said in his note he was sparing them a life with his burden.  His sister never got over it either.  My aunt.  She was real fucked up over it, I saw her crying for him almost 20 yr after his death.  She still has a piece of the tree. And the note.  Instead of sparing them pain, he caused them never ending pain.  Meth got on top of him as it does most people who do it a lot.  Miss him too.  A lot. 

So.  I was just wanting to ask a couple questions but said a little more, as I tend to do when I visit this community.  I visit once a week at least, sometimes every day.  It does go slow sometimes. 
I wanted you to know, your post spoke to me, and I can relate to having fantasy of ending it.  Break that habit now.  Don't look back.  The rrearview morrow is small and the windshield big for a reason.  If you are just feeling parked , then start your engine brother.  You deserve it, because people who care are rare today. 
Anything you did to fuck anyone over, make amends , and forgive yourself. If anyone fucked you over, even with no lube or apologies or reach around.... Forgive them.  They dont have to be sorry.  Let that shit go. When you have been weak, forgive yourself.  Sometimes the journeys we take through the valley are long and torturous, but it is now that the biggest lessons are so very close.  Don't coddle yourself either, when you are feeling low.  Learn to change your thinking. 
Create new neural pathways in your mind by cultivating the skill of thought-redirection.  You can do it.  Don't dwell on negativity.  And get rid of that fucking note.


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This was an experiment.

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