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Registered: 07/07/03
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14g trip report requested in cult. forum
    #1701375 - 07/10/03 01:36 AM (14 years, 11 months ago)

I only wanted to post this trip if I had the time and patience to delve into and mentally relive the trauma that 14g dry p. cub induced. Of course, I blame myself and not the mushrooms, haha. I was the ignorant, novice tripper who 'had no fear' of what a fungus could cause my brain to see and believe. This report was written in a response to someone who PM'd me. So it will feel a little awkward reading it at first. I responsed (at first) directly to their question. They were curious as to what the visuals consisted of at such a dose, so I focused a lot on describing those (bland), but I definately get into the other aspects of the trip as you'll read; if you WISH to read, that is. It's long...you've been warned.
PS: I have left out MANY details and many important moments. If I had truly gotten into every aspect of that night, I'd have written an entire book. Who knows, maybe that's next....haha!

Here it is: 14g dry p. cub

As far as visuals go, the typical fractalization and intricate pattern formation was obsolete by the time peak occured. I was at a friend's house who didn't know I was shrooming. I was with three other friends who DID know. I felt this panic come over me (I broke up with my girlfriend, a bloody situation literally as she was a sick minded, self mutilator, earlier in the night. This was obviously not a suitable mindset nor setting to be in whilst tripping, ESPECIALLY at this level!) and I felt this enormous urge to LEAVE TOM'S HOUSE! So, I told my friend's I had to leave as I felt my trip begining to SERIOUSLY scramble my mind. I said goodbye to a friend who was sleeping on the couch and as I looked deeply into his face I saw this 'matrix' type visual become of his face. You know the 'code' in the movie the matrix? Well, his veins in his face became alive and almost began scrolling down his face like the code scrolls down the screen in the matrix but in a more natural, non-computer like fashion. VERY hard to describe. People were taking on a reptile-like complex. (I get this everytime I trip pretty much, but this is where it REALLY began I think) Once I truly began peaking, my friends dropped me and my friend jonathon off at his house because he agreed to drive me around til I chilled out. (He knows NOTHING about psychedelics, let alone shrooms so NOT a good person to have around that would know how to relax me and understand my condition) We drove around as I told him places to go. I won't get into specifics but we eventually ended up at my house. What happened there all of a sudden in my drive way I can NOT explain. It was like a religious, mushroom epiphone...but it seemed as I shot right through any possible, happy ending, shamanistic revelations and right into the nasty fabric of the true infrastructure of the universe. I was trying to make this connection with words, and the moon and all different sorts of seemingly random, non-related objects, but for some reason, I found this universale connection. (I forget what it was...haha, as do I forget most connections I make on high dose psychedelic journeys) He eventually got so fed up, I mean I drove him to HIS FUCKING LIMITS! I was terrified, paniced but most of all forceful in challenging the truths of this reality in his presense. I know from him telling me later on, but I also know from just thinking of how I acted, I was terrifying the holy hell out of this kid. At this point visuals were not intricate. Objects actually became seemingly less intricate and dull; bland and evil; a representation of falling into an eternal realm of nothingness. It was as if I had fallen into what would BE FOREVER. And as soon as I realized it, I accepted it. As I fought what I discovered psychologically, visually, the things that I fought to accept would rebel and frighten me. But not frighten me by turning into monsters and things like that. No. It was as if the world had taken on a living, breathing, reacting persona. The world; reality itself rather, became an entity all it's own. After intentionally pouring out two cans of mountain dew on his seats when he left the car with me alone, I had to get out of the car. (I poured the cans directly onto his seat while saying something along the lines of "this doesn't mean anything" or "this doesn't matter") Skipping over things, I eventually was forced to enter my house. This seemed predestined. Like I HAD to walk in. Like there was no other choice. My mind NOW, older and more experienced, would have sought psychological refuge somewhere alone in the town (if I was abandoned during a freak out) but my mind was so overly warped and growing in intensity that I didn't second guess the authenticity of the things I was seeing and thinking. My trip became my truth, which is to a certain degree, dangerous for any tripper. In this instance and level of trip, believing my thoughts was EXTREMELY STUPID AND DANGEROUS. I walked into my house and began yelling. My mom awoke, and the dogs (three of them) barked loudly on their decent downstairs to the source of the yelling; me. I stood there yelling, or speaking loudly. I believe I was yelling to over come the mental and visual 'noise'. I had to speak confidently because the world, remember, was alive and it was rebeling against my venture. I had to speak bravely and loudly during these moments and express no human panic. But the level of panic, I can NOT describe to you. My vision was in high color contrast. It was as if I was viewing "THE" movie. As if I was seeing the only things in the world now existing. As if the rest of the world were an illusion and during my newly induced state had suddenly 'vanished'. That's the best I can explain it. I ended up saying the very words, and I can remember these, and basically ONLY these: "I will not have sex with you" I had this whole thought process flowing earlier in paniced discussion with jonathon about sex and it's universal relation to all of the known universe both living and dead. Well, I ended up walking to my room. Every creek of the house was a spoken awareness of this extremely warped awkward reality. It was as if I was viewing the world of a new born babies nightmare. The way it looks when you think back to you earliest terror filled childhood memories. (And I have my share) Anyways, I ended up looking myself in my room crouched against my door laughing, yelling and listening to the strange, often frightening voice of my house and everything in my dark room. My guitar fell in the pitch blackness onto me. I plucked it in to ordinary fashion. I've been playing guitar for seven years and I'm beyond the title of beginner or even intermediate. But there was no way I could play...and this is important to understanding my condition, I was not TRYING to play. The out of tune, random plucking of open strings merely accompanied my speeding thoughts and strange revelations. After what seemed like both an eternity and only seconds (a strange STRANGE phenomenon) the door began jolting violently. It was the paramedics. They knocked down my door and my guitar was forced under the door leaving a permanent reminder of this horrifying night. The visual appearance of the paramedics (probably anywhere from 5-7 of them in my room at once) was as if watching and controling a tape using fast forward and rewind. I can not explain it. I assure you, though at the time of accepting this nightmare it wasn't terribly frightening, IT WAS! During this entire process from my driveway, to the staircase to my room was constant mental clutter and noise. Not a moment seemed silent. Though the silent moments in my dark room were, I have to say, ethereal. I can't explain, but it was majestic for a few split seconds, there in the corner staring out the window like a crazed, mad man screaming at the full moon. I was put on a stretched wheeled out of my house and into the ambulence parked in my driveway. I could see the numbers on my house (my address numbers) as we took off. It seemed then that I was being taken to heaven. Maybe not heaven, but somewhere even more beautifully complex and relaxing. Somewhere with the answers to the universe. But the scene soon grew ugly, simple, red and terrifying once again. The entire process of getting stomache pumped via my nose to my stomache and out my mouth spewing loads of charcole I'd rather not relive. But let me tell you this: whist tripping, this was the most excruciatingly terrifying moment of it all. When I came to, my mom was in the room. One thing that has ALWAYS happened to me after a back trip. I fractalize back into reality. This is a very strange phenomenon that I experience as I suddenly am shot back into the comfort of my true reality after a horriying experience. Things break down to basic form at the very peak of this 14g trip. Then as I puke, things begin to fractalize. They grow, step by step in complexity. All the way until this black dude comes in my room and says while pointing to the tv "you want this on?" I dunno what I said but he turned it on. It was seinfeld I believe. Something strange: As I was going through all the raw phases of emotion (fear, humor, sadness, etc) I thought of seinfeld as the symbol of humor. Why? I dunno. But it came on in the hospital bedroom as I 'fractalized' back into reality. The dots on the walls multiplied and the detail in people's faces multiplied aswell back to their true form. This damaged me greatly for quite some time. I was convinced of the world being a product of a dream of which I created. And in this dream, I psychologically manifested hallucinogens somewhere along to way; an answer to my creative call maybe? I thought then, what would happen if the dreamer were to let down the seemingly permanent walls of reality and jump into a thought-to-be 'large' dose of this "drug"? The very construct of reality would break down to its rawest form; the form it first took on during it's own creation at the preset of the dream. I can't explain this theory because I don't fully understand it myself. But my experience called for this theory to be true. However, after time and time and more lower dosed mushroom trips, I began to simply realize that the brain is a complex organ. It stores all of my memories, thoughts, perceptions of everything from color to time to people to the trivial, etc. I figured, the only way to ever enjoy tripping ever again would be to accept that the reality we see here is indeed real and represenitive of nothing more than is visible (besides the obvious hidden secrets of gravity, radiation, waves, atoms, etc). I have tripped lots since then and have had more bad trips than good unfortunately. Some would say it's time for a rest or even a retirement from psychedelic activity before permanent psychological damage is done. Luckily, I know do not view my bad trips as 'bad trips' at all. No matter what, just like good ones, they induce and maximize and reveal suppressed emotions and thoughts both happy and frightening. I look at it this way: when watching movies, I like to laugh and I like to be frightened. Granted, a real bad trip (like the one I described to you) is a lot worse than sitting through a two hour long, escapable horror movie. But nonetheless, the metaphor remains true. My bad trips have helped me realize that I do indeed need psychological healing to begin with, before I ever tripped at all. I still have good trips and good parts of trips within said bad trips. I hope to progress in a positive manner and learn from my horriying episodes.

This was long, but I hope you read it all. I put a lot of thought and energy into making it as accurate and informative as possible. I hope it was some help in realition to your episode. Another thing: at no time was this EVER an enjoyable experience. From the onset to the comedown, not a moment of enjoyment or sanity pervaded. I also lost the friendship between me and Jonathon for over three months until I repaired it with the utmost of effort and sincerity. I actually tripped several times immedately afterword with no success of having a good trip. I tripped acid a few months later with one good trip and one REALLY bad one a week or so afterward on 5 hits of acid and 360mg DXM. Not a good combo for my setting and set of mind. That's all for now. I'd like to hear what you have in reply to this after you've read it.

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Re: 14g trip report requested in cult. forum [Re: VIgnisFatuusI]
    #1701465 - 07/10/03 01:59 AM (14 years, 11 months ago)

Hey...i dont have much to say, but i appreciate the experience. I especially liked your metaphor the movie...I feel the same about bad trips, they are still a valuable experience.


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Re: 14g trip report requested in cult. forum [Re: PDU]
    #1701491 - 07/10/03 02:12 AM (14 years, 11 months ago)

My very first mushie trip was in 1988 after grazing Copelandia Cyanescens in a cow pasture and then driving down to a well known area in the woods. My company was not good. They tended to yell and scream and do scary things in my midst. To make it short I ended up running to someones house, telling them I ate shrooms and thinking I was dying. Paramedics and parents show up. I drank some epicac at the ER and drank coal tar. Then I puked into a metal bowl and tripped out on that. This was not to be a grand day in my life.

It amazes me that the typical ER still deals with pshychadellic experiences with a sledghammer instead of counselling. It would do the patient so much less harm to calm them down in a safe environment, hit them with some Xanax, and let the trip ride itself out. Instead you have chemicals to make you vomit, and police asking you questions. We have so far to go.


"Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition."

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Re: 14g trip report requested in cult. forum [Re: RANKSRAGGY68]
    #1702001 - 07/10/03 10:56 AM (14 years, 11 months ago)

Who called the paramedics on you. Thats fucked up. I have been thinking of eating 7g of mushrooms. I think mushrooms do not effect me that much. Whenever I eat an 8th i get very mild hallucinations but outstanding mental effects. Like thought and ego loss. 14g is a lot. What made you decide to do that anyway?

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Re: 14g trip report requested in cult. forum [Re: crazycanadian]
    #1702491 - 07/10/03 02:29 PM (14 years, 11 months ago)

wow. I'm really glad that you learned from this experience, and I'm glad you posted it so people can see it and realize that heroic doses are not fun, and not the way to go. but it seems to me like this trip could have gone alot worse, but it's good to hear that you're ok.

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Re: 14g trip report requested in cult. forum [Re: VIgnisFatuusI]
    #1702943 - 07/10/03 04:19 PM (14 years, 11 months ago)

I read your report and all I can say is that I understood you and how lucky I was on my first trip.
Also in my ignorance I consume a huge amount probably close to what you did if not more.
I was with a buddy of mine; we did not know what we were doing.
I can only say and maybe one day all go in detail of that trip, the title will be heaven and hell.
When I said before that I was lucky is at one point we thought we were dying, and my friend tried to call 911, but he was so out of it that could not see the # on the telephone (I Thank my guardian angel for that :smile:  ) and ended up dropping the phone and braking it.
that?s when we lost all hope, I lost all the volition of my body and accepted my death, dieing was very painful, the reality of my life was squashing me and all I wanted is to end even if death was the option.
And then heaven all reality as I know changed will be very difficult to describe, but my only conclusion at that moment was that I had died and was a spirit in the spirit world hehe.
Well to my surprised I came back alive :smile: and did not end up in the hospital or jail, but I was one hair close to making the experience into a mayor nightmare.
So for any new be out there start you self with a low dosage learn and experience the change in consciousness, especially if you had never done any ethogen, (pot does not count) because the change is like nothing you can relate previously in your life and make sure you have a sitter or some one with experience that you can trust and do it in a complete safe place.
That?s the best advice I can give I am sure VIgnisFatuusI
Will agree.


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Re: 14g trip report requested in cult. forum [Re: Faaip_De_Oiad]
    #1702976 - 07/10/03 04:36 PM (14 years, 11 months ago)


heroic doses are not fun, and not the way to go

Yes and no to do a heroic dosage like 14g is very stupid especially the first time.
That is the equivalent of putting on a parachute and jumping and trying to learn how to open the chute in mid air.
That?s way so many end up crashing on the ground
But High dosages like 5 to 8 grams are very rewording if you do it right, and have learned to navigate to some extent the realm of the mushroom.
Is for deep exploration not to party, and definitely not for every one.
At the same time as crazy as my first experience was, I will never want to forget it.
It change my life for ever.


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Re: 14g trip report requested in cult. forum [Re: VIgnisFatuusI]
    #1703839 - 07/10/03 09:50 PM (14 years, 11 months ago)

Ha. I once tripped off of about that same dosage, or more. It was 26 mushrooms, most of them being medium size and up, all of them wet, thus still having their full psilocybin and psilocin content. I only took that many because I had heard that field shrooms were not nearly as strong as home grown/hydroponic ones. Boy was I wrong. I can understand most of what you described, because a lot of those same exact things happened to me too. Except I ended up losing all contact with the outside world.

Now, this whole time I had been on the floor in my room with my friends, who were just stoned. They pretty much began to ignore me cuz they knew I was pretty much not in this world, and they would take an occasional check on me to make sure nothing was wrong.

For the few moments that I was able to form words in my brain, I was confused as to what the hell was going on, if I was actually... existing. I couldnt tell. I was practically in nirvana. When I started coming down (a long process too, on such a large dose) I went through a series of realizations, and each time i would suddenly go to a different "dimension" almost. Only I didn't think anything of it cuz I was trippin balls, and didn't even know what existance or reality or I or anything was. Well, the first thing that happened was I thought I had somehow awoken from my past life (which would be this one), and I had actually been through the same process before over and over for who knows how long. But this new life was different... I actually knew I'd awaken. At this point my bodily functions were coming back, though in a totally different form. I could feel everything that was in my room. It was all floating around, and I was a part of it. Then I realized that I must actually BE everything. Then I began thinking about it, and realized I must have made everything that there ever was, and even time itself, but since I had created it all without even trying, "I"(whatever I was) must have been using my "powers" indirectly. Though, this world I'd created seemed so fake and pointless. What WAS the point of it all though? "I" had been this ignorant "being" for all eternity, but now that I know this, what am I supposed to do? Then I realized... I had been trapped in my own reality all this time, everything I remember from my life was false, and I must break free! So I stumbled out of my room and walked into my bathroom. Now one of my friends, seeing I'd finally come back to this world somewhat, went to see what I was doing. He knocked on the door, and I instantly became confused. If I was everything... that meant the other people were actually part of me too, and I'd made them too. So I started trying to control him through the door, to make him walk away. For a second I thought it worked cuz I didnt hear anything for what felt like an hour (even though it was probably only a few seconds). Then he started knocking again. At this point I'm like WTF!? Why am I not able to control myself (myself, as in my friend, you know since I WAS everything at that point). So I decide that they're the parts of me that had imprisoned me in the body and made me forget what I truly was. They were the gate keepers in my reality, my mind, myself, whatever this was I was "existing" in. So I decide to make him back off, so I run out of the bathroom totally naked and yell BOOO!! Of course, he is frightened and runs away to my room to alert the others. I decide that before I find out what "I" really am and why I am what I am, I'll have fun in the world I "indirectly and accidently" "made". I was practically god, and I wanted to bask in the rewards that I had made for this "world". So first I sat down with one leg up and the other to the side on the stairs, practically highlighting my crotch area (oh yea, I forgot to mention I'm a guy). So the other people come out and look, thinking my first friend was kidding that I ran out of the bathroom trying to scare him. But they are proven wrong at the site of me naked on the stairs glaring humorously at them. They start trying to convince me to come back to my room before I wake up my parents and get everyone in trouble. I think that theyre trying to trick me into not "reawakening", cuz they know that if I find out how to use my "powers" then they probably wouldnt be around much longer, cuz I would erase this world because of its pointlessness and try to find what is really "real". Pretty much I would try to find nirvana, my true roots, whatever. So I end up slapping my one friend across the face with a loud smack, as a warning that I'm not going to fall for their tricks. They're doomed, I'm gonna "reawaken". They keep hassling me to return to my room, and it gets annoying, so I agree. What could they possibly do? Everything is part of my "mind", and as soon as I figure out how to work it I'll break free of this world. The only problem was it was hard to think, especially with them trying to wrestle me down and get me to conform with them. So I realize I won't be able to get the peace I need to think unless I trick them into thinking I'm not gonna "reawaken". So I calm down and put some clothes on and act like I'm going to conform with what they want. I say my first words of the night, because suddenly I remember how to talk. I begin by asking "how long has this been going on?", referring to this "imprisonment" I've been in. My friend replies "A while", thinking I'm referring to what just happened. I realize that as long as I act like I'm not interested in fully "reawakening", then I'll be able to indulge in what this world without them bothering me until i find out how to "reawaken". So I begin asking questions about this world, like "will I have to eat or sleep anymore?". My friends reply yes. I ask a few other things, like will I have to wear contacts anymore, can we go skate right now(im a skateboarder, although they aren't lol), etc. They, thinking I'm able to be trusted, say we should go to sleep. I agree because I don't want them to know that I'm still planning on "reawakening" since they would then try hard to stop me, which would get in the way of my thinking and be no fun. I think for what feels like hours, but probably was just 10 minutes, and i decide I'll have to explore the world in the morning and plan then. It's now 4 in the morning, 8 hours since I took the mushrooms and yet I'm still trippin balls. I go to sleep.

The next morning when I wake up around 12, my friends had already left. I'm still trippin, though not as hard as before. I wonder why they left, and I think that maybe when I fell asleep I found out how to work my powers, so now theyre gone. I start exploring the house, and things actually seem familiar to me now. I become very confused... and I realize what happened. I had taken mushrooms the night before. I was tripping the whole time, and still was!! Everything comes flooding back to me as to what happened, that I was wrong in thinking what happened.... But oh no! I had ran naked, scared my friends shitless and slapped one of them! SHIT! I just did the things I had been planning on NOT DOING. Damn my friend! He told me field shrooms sucked at being potent. Later I would talk to that friend, and it would turn out he was right, field shrooms do suck. He'd taken the same amount I had (26 shrooms about), and only had a level 3 trip. I'd had like the strongest level 5 trip possible, because I have a very low tolerance.

That night was the longest night of my life. Every moment during the peak itself was one of eternity. Between that night and the next day, it felt like over a month had gone by. Even today, 4 months later, as I look back it feels like march is much longer ago than april (I took those shrooms at the beggining of april). Even though I had practically gone insane and ran naked and slapped my friend, I still think it was worth it since it turned out that not as much went wrong as there could have been. The experience is one that I will never forget. Words can not express how DEEP that experience was for me. The things I discovered and the planes I visited are the basis for my religious/spiritual beliefs now. Although it sounds like the night was a horror, I was having the time of my life. There was not a bad moment for me ever, except the next morning when I'd realized what I'd done. I'd felt the most complete freedom ever that one would experience when they believe theyve discovered all the answers to life and existance, and that it was such a great answer (I was practically god).

Post back if u have any questions or remarks.

And thanks to the other person who described his 14g trip at the top of this thread. He did a great job explaining.

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Re: 14g trip report requested in cult. forum [Re: SuperPotato]
    #1705128 - 07/11/03 06:36 AM (14 years, 11 months ago)

hmm there's a bizarre similarity to those stories and mine.
I will try to keep it short.
Well, i had only taken 1/8th in tea form at a friends house.
It started out normally, we (a guy tripper, a girl tripper (on a half eight each) and 1 girl non-tripper) went outside and i could see patterns and such in the blank blue sky, cool. Made some funny comments etc. generally a good time. After about 20 minutes we went inside to sit down and listen to music and stuff. Well we were all having good conversation and eventually I got really comfortable with the situation, and I was pretty warm, so i took my shirt off. I'm a guy so that's not a big deal, but there were 2 girls and they were sorta not-at-ease with it. I was being really self-confident and self-assured, i didn't care what anyone else thought of me, and i was taking the conversation to a sexual tone, asking them to take off their shirts, "why not?, its natural not to wear clothing...society has just put these useless barriers on us and now were embarrased about OUR OWN BODIES.." . It should be also noted that there were no visuals anymore, everything was completely normal looking and the trip was totally inside my head.

Right about there, i truthfully have no memory of what happened next, like just a blank page. The next thing i remember is walking around this other person's house, naked, not even remembering that i had taken mushrooms, looking for my friends, but realizing how self-sufficient I am, how I have all these cool new thoughts and plans that are going to drastically change mine (and everyone elses) world in a Great way. In a positive-feedback sort of way, I work myself up to be 'the next God', all the while not realizing that my 'friends' are actually hiding from me. You see, as above in SuperPotato's experience, everything , EVERYthing, fits into your whacked out model of reality at that time, and ofcourse i didn't even question their not-being-around, i thought they had moved to another place to chill while i hadn't been looking. Your mind in that state easily ignores things , such as actually seeing people run away. So onward with my phychoticness, i went outside for some reason and began yelling as loud as i could (in a great voice by the way) that i was the next God, that i was there to release everyone from their shackles and teach people how to live life how it was meant to be lived, as i was at that time. My 'friends' were upstairs calling me inside, saying how some people would call the cops if they saw me, but i was assured I would simply tell the cops who I was, and explain to them in a civilized fashion what my intensions were and in essence let them see the light, and they would agree with me. I went inside anyhow, because i liked being with my friends, but they were pushing on the door of the bedroom they were in. I immediately concluded that it wasn't them holding the door closed, but some unknown force, i said "there's something pushing on the door". Ha. well since i was god i wouldn't notice pain, and i really beleived it, so i tried punching through the door. I made a good sized hole in it, and my knuckles were all messed up, but i actually didn't notice any pain, or, i didn't recognize pain as the negative feeling we normaly get from it, it was just a neutral thing.

Anyway, so they let me in and i apparently said some sexual things to the girls, and ofcourse they ran, along with the guy but i wondered what from, because it couldn't be me. Also, during this whole time i was in the greatest of moods, even after they ran away, my mind was elsewhere, planning, thinking of the great things i was going to do. So i made my way downstairs casually, (by then, they had actually left the house in fear) but i didn't know where they were, nor did it bother me that nobody was around, because i had myself, i was 'better' than them (or so i thought at the time).

Well again i have a blank page in my book of chronological personal history, but i know some time had passed, and i was at the computer sitting crosslegged. I had come to the conclusion that i was infact the only person in the world, really the only being that actually existed. Everything was just a facet of my imagination and i also beleived i was going to create the BIG BANG, me being at it's dead center. I was starting, by, with a mental signal, sending out the message to the furthest peices of matter away from me to come towards me. What i find really odd now, is that i was speaking to this crowd of INVISIBLE EVERYTHING that was in a circle around me like a professor at a university, or like the vertical hall of eyes sometimes associated with people dying (I think it's in someones avatar). I was actually demonstrating what it's like to be a God to this 'audience', i was having conversations with other people through myself, like i would say "okay now im going to call up Bob... hi Bob whats up?" and then in a perfect Bob voice i would say something perfectly Bob-like in response, "Yo man, not much, just chillin here, ha ha" And i would laugh, knowing i was just toying with everything because i already knew everything, i just liked to say it over for the joy of it, and i would feel Everybody's laugh inside me!
"...okay now i'm gettin like this electrical impulse, its sorta like a tickle in a certain spot on your brain , and you get a message along with it, and it could say something like..etc etc." i was trying to teach them and include them. (confusing, because i thought i was them).I would say things like "okay now i'm slowly folding up matter inside itself to creat a superdense object in the smallest amount of space possible." I really felt i was doing something of monumental importance.

The turning point for me came when i tried to make a specific person come out of this invisible crowd, and become visible. After trying and trying i slowly started to realise something was messed up. If i was God how come i couldn't do something so easy, let alone cause the big bang. It sent me into a negative though spiral, i knew i couldn't possible be God, but i was just a crazy person destined to be alone in the nasty grubby basement with this disgusting cracker dip that kept coming to my attention and making me feel sick. Alone forever, because if i had been alone for what seemed like days already, 'ofcourse' this would continue into the future. I was sad really sad,and angry, i couldn't sleep and give into death, but why not, i'm alone and miserable in the awake world there's no hope. So okay i'll sleep...no live....no die....no live...live, hello? whats this noise? it's a person...WTF, act normal. The queitness, around the talk, is heavy with meaning. I'm looking for answers to the universe, when he thinks it's just crazy talk. I asked him questions about people, as in are there more people, because i realized he was not me obviously. But still i was in this psychotic stage, and all this conversation was just a big cosmic joke with me as the punchline, it's just a waste of time so we can ignore our true destiny, aloneness, and it made me sick. i wanted to puke. He acted calm and gave me a chocolate bar which i pretended to like, trying to play along with the game for a while to see if actually worked. But it didn't. And they sent another in, which i smacked in the face for giving me a really scared look. He was of no help and left after trying smalltalk to which i would answer with crude rhetorical questions.
I was alone again, and i don't remember how, but Finally, i rememebered that i had taken mushrooms and that none of what i had completely destroyed myself over was actually true. I was completely ashamed of myself and very tired, i felt almost drunk. I got my clothes on, gathered up my crap and drove home not knowing what else to do. I was feeling very suicidal, and along with the windy roads and drunk feeling, it was a potentially disatrous situation, but luckily i had a crappy car in which the battery died, killing the engine and forcing me to pull over. It was a long walk home to say the least.

damn that was huge. sry, but it feels good to get it out, even though i left out many details(that i cant remember) which give it real impact. hopefully someone can gain something from it.

Edited by metrix (07/11/03 06:41 AM)

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