samba_lightning said:

5) I'm packing a hefty six inches.

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DivineIntensity said:

I hope most of these aren't true

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Sheekle said:

DivineIntensity said:

I hope most of these aren't true

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what he said


OP why so mean?

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Ha Op is a dick
But the stories are kinda funny

KremrBigSikter said:

1)
I was getting hammered on antibacterial soap and OJ in the bathroom at some university building I broke into. Suddenly a landwhale in a lab coat and "fuck me" glasses rumbles in like an avalanche of sweaty bitch meat. Apparently it was the ladies' room, like I care. Her hair is in like black pigtails and as we're getting down I grab her by them and fuck her pasty couch-cushion face. After I pull out my stalwart shishkebab she's all "heehee you're cute" and then she tells me she's doctoring in temporal physics, but she might as well sell her ass at a truck stop for all I care. I rip her sweaty lab coat off and knock until I nut right in her sushi shack.

2)
I was at a bar with my bros when one of my bros is all like "hey bro, you gotta put clown makeup on". I'm drunk as a possum on veterans' day, and thus have no control over my actions. I tell that gay sumbitch to hand over his makeup kit. So after I've got my face done in the restroom (no I don't mean I got a facial from ten USMCs in a bathroom stall, what the fuck is wrong with you. I mean I painted my face with clown makeup) I sit down with my bros again and we start breaking bottles of bourbon over each others heads.
Next thing I know I'm in my bro's crib dogging some tiny-assed whore of 19 or so. She smells like stale popcorn and I almost throw up on her knuckle-looking ass. Then she turns around and takes her blindfold off, and is all "daddy?" and I'm like, fuck girl, that shit is weird, I ain't gonna pretend to be your daddy. But it turns out she's actually my daughter from the future (she hands me her birth certificate which she had hidden between her laughably small tits. It's covered in popcorny boob sweat but it looks legit). She says she's been sent back in time to reconnect with me because I was never there when she was growing up or some shit. I stop listening halfway through because I'm drunk, and just go on humping till I finish and pass out.

3)
This is a couple of years later, I'm walking down the street when I suddenly see a small army of hideous women blocking my way. I say Excuse me, but they won't move, so I try to squeeze past them, but somehow the whole thing turns into an orgy. There's so much fucking and sucking and it's all revolting, really. The girls are all either fat or bony and their faces look like arty-farty paintings (you know the ones I mean). I suddenly recognize the faces; they are messed-up caricatures of my own face mixed with that physics whore from way back. I ask the bitches, are we related? and yeah, it turns out this is a horde of my own inbred offspring that is due to me repeatedly fucking bitches that some bitch that I fucked squeezed out and sent back in time for me not to fuck. So there's like thirty generations of fucked up shit here, and I'm like "whatever" and get up and get a taxi. In the backseat of the cab I realize however that one of the whores has latched onto my Empire State like a sucker fish. I pull her vacuum cleaner mouth from my shillelagh, but my erection has now taken control of my mind so naturally I rawdog that whore right there in the taxi, thinking "meh, what could possibly happen".

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