Can't Relax

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Anonymous #1

Can't Relax

#16157846 - 04/29/12 10:47 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

I always feel like I'm being watched and judged by people who don't believe in 'freedom of the mind' or think I'm weird or laugh at me for trying to better my life. I feel like my own thoughts are being so compressed that I cannot even express myself when I try. I have desire to work, but I cannot find a job that doesn't make me feel boxed in. Working for myself is an option but I am having environmental/roommate type issues. I just want....some kind of freedom and I am feeling so trapped right now.

I have to visit a therapist for some ungodly reason, I don't -have- to but it feels like they're spying on me if I don't. It's about the worst thing ever, and I just wish I could leave this city. Actually the worst thing ever which seems to tie into this is that moments, memories or people from the past keep popping up into my head. It's just a fact of life that some relationships end, and sometimes for a reason. I like to recollect things and talk about them on my own terms, not when some therapist is going to be taking notes and analyzing them. I no longer see my psychiatrist because she just perscribed me tons of drugs which I feel violates my own personal choices and lifestyle as a human being.

Every time I leave my house I feel trapped in a weird suburbia or mostly/rather some kind of rural/country dusty farmer suburbia. I want to be proud of my family and my city and most of all myself and where I come from but ugh it makes me so sick to my stomach and honestly makes me feel creepy.

I miss living in an urban jungle with constant multiculturalism surrounding me. I don't even feel at home here. I haven't ever been comfortable since I moved here, only in my house. I miss having places to escape to where I feel 'alone'. Not that I want to be alone all the time, but it's hard for me to do anything when everything around me is bugging me.

I don't even have many friends so I might as well just leave. The ones I do have are long term family and extended family types. I love them, they're essential to my life, but I never ever see them and they all live completely different or busy lifestyles that I do not seem to be a part of any longer.

I just want to go home. I don't even know where that is anymore but I know my heart gets broken or confused every time I leave my house. I feel guilty when I enjoy myself, usually because it involves me being lost in my own insanity these days.

TL;DR, I don't know. I can't figure out how to balance health, relaxation, and doing something productive with my life and it's killing me. Everytime I set goals for myself self sabotage or disruption sets in and everyting falls apart.

I'm so tired of starting over.

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Anonymous #2

Re: Can't Relax

[Re: Anonymous #1]
#16158230 - 04/30/12 12:35 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

After going through enough bullshit with living with family, girlfriends, and shitty roommates I'm pretty happy living by myself. It feels great to come home to peace and quiet, no unwelcome surprises, no women around me if their being crabby bitches.

You must still be younger if you talk like that, but eventually you will learn to cherish your independence :smile:

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Anonymous #1

Re: Can't Relax

[Re: Anonymous #2]
#16158314 - 04/30/12 01:01 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Sad thing is I'm turning 30 this year. Everytime I try to move on with my life, it's like bungee cords just snap me right back to all the immature bullshit that I am trying to leave behind and/or forgive and forget. I cannot stand it anymore. It's the best I can do to control myself at times when I feel like this.

I do not want to be a violent person but when I feel like this, when I feel like I've exhausted every avenue and resource that I can to get my life on track I just want to lash out emotionally and/or physically at whoever stands in my way. Unfortunately that would be my family, they are good sports but do not deserve that treatment - nor does anyone.

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Anonymous #3

Re: Can't Relax

[Re: Anonymous #1]
#16180489 - 05/04/12 05:51 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Is that you, Trance?

Keep seeing the therapist.

Try some of the drugs, it sounds like you might need them.

Get some exercise, a hobby, read, and relax.

All jobs are shitty.

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