As I sit here in my room, dark and gloomy, I think about the end of all ends. What else could I possibly live for? Maybe the one person in my life who I think might actually care about me. But she is only 4. What does she know about caring for someone such as me. As I sit here and look back to my past, I get nothing but a blank stare. As I do not remeber it. All the "family" trips we had to different places. I dont remeber any of them. The only things that comes to mind are the bad. Being a child of 2 drug addicts. Being left at home as my mom went on her binges. Waking up at night with no one there to hear my screaming. Only to have someone come home to punish me. My clearest memory of when I was a child is the day of my fathers passing. I remeber it clear as day. My "mom" and her boyfriend and myself were about to leave, as my uncle and cousin pulled up. I remember my uncle breaking the news to my mom. He put me in the car, and broke the news to me. I was only 9, and at that point I didnt feel as if I even knew my father. One thing I do remeber about that car ride is not shedding a tear, but yet putting my head down, covering my face, and saying in my head, "YES". As I think back on that day, I still dont know why I said that. I think maybe it was because I felt as though he was never there. Always waking up with no one there. No one caring. I was never actually told of how my father died, though as I got older I realized it was from an overdose. Once I got older, around 17, I wanted to know the pleasure drugs gave someone, and wanted to see how they could have such an affect on someone it would push them to o.d. So I started experimenting. First with weed. Smoked it, sold it, had fun with it. But still, I didnt find the peace in it, to die for. So then I went on to other things. Such as pills. Ecasty, pain killers, uppers, downers. Still didnt see the point. Then it was time for something a little better. Coke. I had about a 2month binge on this. Spent all my finacial aide money on it, but never found that guilty love. Just somewhat fun times, and regret. Then one day I stopped all the bullshit. Went back to the painful life I had tried escaping before. It was the same as before. A bunch of people that acted like they cared, only to see them stab you in the back to moment you turned around. Ive always tried my hardest to please the one man who has been there for me, my uncle. But even now, it seems like that is going no where. The people I bend over backwards for, are no where around when I need something. I've gave up pretty much anything I had going for me, all to help him. School, I quit because I felt he needed me more. Two jobs I had, I quit, because I had to be there for him. Now when I need him, he isn't there, because someone else, who has downed him his whole life, needs him. Now that the one person I thought actually cared, don't, where do I go?
Ive thought about the end a lot. How I would do it, where. Who would care enough to even shed a tear. Would there be a lot of people at my funeral? Would the people that actually did show up, actually care about me? Or are they just using it as a high school reunion? Would I even be thought about enough to get a funeral?
Ive always thought what life is like after death. Since I don't believe in god, as I have no reason to, what happens. I lay there, rot away, and becone food for maggots.
I want to try and pull myself out of the well I have hit rock bottem in, but can't seem to find anything to grab onto. As I see myself in this well, and look up, it looks as if daylight is coming to an end, and darkness is almost upon me. Even though I'm only 23, it feels like life is at a stop. I'm just running in place, and I'm started to get weak. Mentally, emtionally, and physically. I wish I could figure out a way to stop the pain having to end it all, but I just don't see it.
So now I think to myself, do I go out peacefully or painfully? I dont deserve a peaceful way out. I don't see peace in dying. So painfully is what I think of. But how should it be done. A cut to the wrist in a warm bath, so I can watch my waistfull life slowly leave my body. Maybe a deadly but painful self inflicted gun shot. To where I can feel every last pityful second of my life slowly fade away. Or should I go out with a bang? Take out everyone who I thought was there, but wasnt. But its not their fault, as I let myself get to this point.
Ive been laying here in my bed for the past 5 hours. Haven't came out once. And yet no one seems to notice. I hear everyone in the house laughing, playing, having a good old time. But no one checks on me. Should I end all their fun tonight with a loud bang, and brains spread over the wall, or shall I let them continue to have a good time, as I slowly drift out, from being so over medicated right now. Both options are by my side right now.
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