Hi Budda ! I desperately need help... :-( I've never been a frequent drug user - only used pot a couple of times in the past which a friend gave to me, who swore to the deeply spiritual effect of the weed. The same friend gave me some shrooms (I never asked for em - he said they would "increase the is-ness of things") and I took only 2 capsules (2 grams of Psilocybe Stropharia cubensis) about 3 weeks ago. I had the most nightmarish time of my life :-( no hallucinations or auditory distortions, but extreeeeme, horrifying paranoia... I thought my mind was going to collapse, that I would go insane and would see nothing but horrifying immages for the rest of my life (even if I fell asleep, went into a coma or died). To my horror the feelings have persisted for about 3 weeks now :-(
I've always been a happy person, smiling through the toughest times of my life. I was always a happy kid too despite family troubles. My wife walked out on me a little over a year ago, my parents became homeless and moved in with me, and I lost 2 jobs in the last year and yet... I remained happy through seemingly terrible times. I've been meditating for most of my life and firmly believe that all things good and worth having - joy, happiness, love, compassion - are to be found inside of each of us. I've never been drawn to materialistic things, not because I think that they're bad in any way, but I simply never found any joy in them. My happiest moments have been meditating by a lake or on a hilltop, in sheer extascy and rapture (In keeping with the mind-identification theme from Fight Club...I was Jack's Spirtual bliss). I always used to wonder why people get depressed - this was a terrible thing I did... I judged... I thought that people just need to "be happy". After taking the shrrooms I've plunged into the depths of hell myself :-( I get utterly terrible panic attacks lasting hours (6-7 hours at times, if not entire days). I feel like any minute I'll go insane and will start to see horrific images/sounds. Everything around me (that I used to consider exquisitly beautiful) now seems baren and hostile :-( The shrroom has turned my very soul inside out. I feel I've seen such horror that I'll never recover. I had never known such horror before - i.e. I never thought the mind could come up with such dreadful ideas and attack itself so relentlessly... but I guess at some level I must have, since the shroom can't create anything new in the mind. Reading bad trip reports and permanent psychosis reports from shrooms is what really spurred the bad thoughts - now I really believe I'm going to rot in hell :-( I've gotten extreemly suicidal as a result - only because I'm in soo much agony :-( I wish I could be my old happy self again, I wish I hadn't taken it, I wish I could take time back, but I can't. "I am Jack's regret"...
I used to read a lot of Castenada, Philosophy, Spirituality and now all of that (which I used to cherish and view as wisdom) is comming back to haunt me... I keep questioning Reality and really freak out at times. My mind attacks me with ideas like, "is this real ?", "what if the only reality is horror ?" and terrible things like that. I keep telling myself to think positive... "Ignore this terrible drug", "stop this talk or I'll throw the leaches on ya" ;-) ("Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas"). I've also tried shutting off my internal dialogue, which can be tough to do, but even when I do acheive a certain level of menatal quietitude, it can have varying effects (i.e. at times I still feel anxious and depressed despite the absense of thoughts).
I went to the ER after the shrroom and then to a private doc and they simply prescribed Ativan and Paxil respectively and gave me no time at all to listen to what I was going through and how I felt. Typical doc solution... here's a pill. I havn't taken either yet, I want to do this without more drugs, I want to be my old happy self again, I want to erase this memory from my mind so I never even know that such terror exists. I don't want to have to battle this for the rest of my life (and I don't want to end my life either). I can't run from my own mind... "where ever I go there I am..."
-------------------- "no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."
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