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Making friends if your workmates suck
    #12740662 -

I've posted on this before. I'm having a really hard time.  I'm 25 and working as a professional software developer in London (moved here last year) and just split with my girlfriend of 8 years.

All my workmates are at least 30 and have wives and kids or just nothing in common with me.  They are nice people but just not fun to be around- it is the quietest place I have ever worked.

My ex-girlfriend and first love has recently started fucking somebody else and she has this massive circle of really close friends since she works a shitty minimum wage job with a bunch of cool, young people.  I can't get involved with them since she is now my ex and I'm not gonna be the loser hanging around while she is fucking one of them.  I called today and she left the room before speaking to me.  Fuck that- not calling her anymore.  She wants to be friends and hang out with me but fuck the other guy- no thanks.  I'm trying to be independent but I still feel I rely on her presence really heavily and it breaks my heart to see her in Facebook pictures having an amazing time with all her new friends and this asshole.

I was recently in San Francisco on the other side of the world by myself and I had some great nights with great people but generally I was alone, all my photos are of scenery and objects and not of people.  It's really sad.  The cool people I did meet I will probably never see again.

So I started playing badminton a few weeks back... I have met people and they seem OK but I only see them once a week and once again a lot of them are older.  I fucked a girl I met in a bar too recently but it basically sucked and reminded me I'm really the kind of person that wants to be in a relationship with someone first.  People say it is bad to be codependent so I am trying to enjoy my own company but to be honest I really want souls to share my life with every single day.

I have lots of things planned this year- camping with friends from Scotland, festivals, snowboarding in winter- but it's the day to day stuff that is grinding me down.  Nobody asks me how my day was when I come home.  My weekends are jam packed but my weekdays are miserable and lonely.  I go to bars too much playing the numbers game thinking that maybe my path will cross with somebody else, but I gotta stop because I can't drink every night.

So I'm trying to weigh up my options.  I could quit my job and move back to Scotland and prove to myself, my ex, and everyone else that I am incapable of making new friends while alone in the city.  I really want to make a life here because London itself has so much to offer and I'm honestly an easy-going and likeable guy.  I have been unhappy for like a year now (part of the reason she left me, I used to be happy all the time).

I am going to move into a flatshare with some people when my lease runs out in a month.  I fi t doesn't work out after another 6 months I think I am going to move back- I will feel like a total failure and like I have wasted a large part of my life.

Sorry about this long rant. Really needed to get stuff off my chest since I am sat here alone almost having an anxiety attack thinking about my teenage sweetheart fucking another guy.  We split because we worked different hours, she works insane hours at a shitty job with young people and by comparison my lifestyle must have seemed so dull- but I was working my ass off to pay the rent and bills and save for a fucking engagement ring, now I feel like I have no motivation and everything I did since the age of 17 I did with OUR future in mind.

So yeah.  Apparently I should be focussing on myself but I'm really not digging being alone.

Gah. Thanks for reading.  It's probably mostly jetlag talking but I feel really fucking depressed right now, which is the opposite of what I need to be if I want to meet people. Viscious circle.


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:duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead:

i'm a spy huntin rap dinosaur from the future

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Re: Making friends if your workmates suck [Re: sam420]
    #12740679 -

It'll take time to make that emotional transition, especially since she was your first love and you were together for 8 years.  Give it time and you'll eventually relearn to appreciate your own company.  At that point it'll be much easier to meet new people.

Seeking new people just to fill the void that she left may still leave you feeling empty, best to do some reflecting and give it some time.  It'll get easier.

good luck man


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    classic LOVELINE

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Re: Making friends if your workmates suck [Re: sam420]
    #12740717 -

Have you tried seeing a counselor?

I know for me when things get really rough and I just can't seem to break out of the funk visiting my psychologist always helps.


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:awecid:

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Re: Making friends if your workmates suck [Re: sam420]
    #12740720 -

Damn man, I'm sorry to hear that.  I lost my first love as well, only I didn't go as far as London.

Software developer, first thing you have going for you.  Secondly, that girl you love doesn't pair up to you but you will not realize this for several years, I didn't, sometimes still don't.  But you will meet other girls (evil words at the moment, I know), and you might love one, or several of them, I did.

As for friends I am the most isolated person I know, completely by choice.  It does things to you, being alone all the time emotionally.  Sitting in a room full of people with only your thoughts to keep you company.  Yup.  Been there, time and time again.

Fuck facebook.  I deactivated mine because I realized it's for drama, locally at least.  Plus I tried hooking up with a girl from high school off of there, and she didn't tell me her pictures were OLD AND DECEIVING.  I made her sleep on the floor for that one.

I know what it's like to see that one thing that you want so badly you think you need it, lose her completely and have to find a way to stand on your own feet without her.  Best advice is not to waste Any time.  You need to feel sad and damaged right now, so that eventually you can start building yourself back up again, on your own terms.  This, is actually a crucial part of growing up I think -- learning to be alone, for me it's completely alone.

As for fucking girls in bars, wear condoms mate.  I am also one of those guys who dreams of the dream girl on a daily bases.  I know how it feels when the wrong girl is laying next to you, how it can make a night seem endlessly corrupt.  That feeling will pass, when you find the right girl.  I promise.

Start building yourself.  Spirituality, if you have any.  Special interests (probably be a good idea to get off the PC, just some more 2c advice from me), Hobbies.  When you meet a girl your gonna want to show her that you can be happy on your own, that you have a life of your own.  Start living mate, I know you think that love you had was all there was to life.. but in a while you'll see that I'm right, and that in a way you were given a second chance at attempting to be who you never were before.

I hope to see my ex often.  I never do, but she's seen me a few times, which I thought really sucked.

If you moved to London to be with her then thats what you tell people.  Honesty is the best policy.  Just don't be too honest in a room full of people.

Don't feel like a failure man you tried, a LOT of people never even get that far!  You just have to keep trying.

Ever need to chat feel free to PM me man, I wish you luck.

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Re: Making friends if your workmates suck [Re: plurfekt]
    #12740772 -

plurfekt said:
Damn man, I'm sorry to hear that.  I lost my first love as well, only I didn't go as far as London.

Software developer, first thing you have going for you.  Secondly, that girl you love doesn't pair up to you but you will not realize this for several years, I didn't, sometimes still don't.  But you will meet other girls (evil words at the moment, I know), and you might love one, or several of them, I did.

As for friends I am the most isolated person I know, completely by choice.  It does things to you, being alone all the time emotionally.  Sitting in a room full of people with only your thoughts to keep you company.  Yup.  Been there, time and time again.

Fuck facebook.  I deactivated mine because I realized it's for drama, locally at least.  Plus I tried hooking up with a girl from high school off of there, and she didn't tell me her pictures were OLD AND DECEIVING.  I made her sleep on the floor for that one.

I know what it's like to see that one thing that you want so badly you think you need it, lose her completely and have to find a way to stand on your own feet without her.  Best advice is not to waste Any time.  You need to feel sad and damaged right now, so that eventually you can start building yourself back up again, on your own terms.  This, is actually a crucial part of growing up I think -- learning to be alone, for me it's completely alone.

As for fucking girls in bars, wear condoms mate.  I am also one of those guys who dreams of the dream girl on a daily bases.  I know how it feels when the wrong girl is laying next to you, how it can make a night seem endlessly corrupt.  That feeling will pass, when you find the right girl.  I promise.

Start building yourself.  Spirituality, if you have any.  Special interests (probably be a good idea to get off the PC, just some more 2c advice from me), Hobbies.  When you meet a girl your gonna want to show her that you can be happy on your own, that you have a life of your own.  Start living mate, I know you think that love you had was all there was to life.. but in a while you'll see that I'm right, and that in a way you were given a second chance at attempting to be who you never were before.

I hope to see my ex often.  I never do, but she's seen me a few times, which I thought really sucked.

If you moved to London to be with her then thats what you tell people.  Honesty is the best policy.  Just don't be too honest in a room full of people.

Don't feel like a failure man you tried, a LOT of people never even get that far!  You just have to keep trying.

Ever need to chat feel free to PM me man, I wish you luck.


Thanks for the advice man it really means a lot to hear from someone with experience.  Don't be surprised if I PM you one of these days...


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:duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead: :duckie: :chickenhead:

i'm a spy huntin rap dinosaur from the future

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Re: Making friends if your workmates suck [Re: sam420]
    #12740811 -

Find shroomerites from london and meet up with them. 

One way of getting into a new crowd :shrug:

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Re: Making friends if your workmates suck [Re: sam420]
    #12740821 -

I know how much it hurts man, I'm still hearing sad songs and remembering how things once were.

Here's a mind bender for you.

For me, it was three years ago.

I am a completely different person.

In three years..

Who do you want to be, if you can't be with her?

Because that's what I wish I would have told myself.  I spent three years dreaming someday she might come back.  She even used me as a booty call after about 14 months apart.  Now she's in love with someone else, someone I of course, do not approve of.

Don't waste too much time on being lost without her.  Soon you'll find yourself.

Message me any time man.

:plur:

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Re: Making friends if your workmates suck [Re: nice1]
    #12740839 -

Hey OP,

I remember reading your story a few months back, sorry to hear you're still having a hard time adjusting.

I really suggest you delete her and anyone else that may have pictures of her off of your facebook. You need to put that shit far behind you. Thats so fucked up what happened to you man, but it sounds like you're still being kind of stubborn and don't want to forget the past. It's the only thing that will make you feel better.

As for meeting new ones; I wouldn't rely to heavily on bars. You should join some group (like badminton but less lame, jk) and make friends. Badminton is fine, but if there aren't any hot womenz there it isn't worth it. I've met some hot ones volunteering at the food bank here in sf.

If you're ever in sf and feeling lonely we can ride bikes or some other such stuff if you want. I'll even ask you about your day if it'll cheer you up. I feel bad for you, you sound like a nice dude.


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People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.

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Re: Making friends if your workmates suck [Re: nice1]
    #12740878 -

Wow. You seem very similar to myself personality wise. Though I'm not as old and mature as you guys seem, reading this thread has sort of opened my eyes to the off-beat challenges that nobody can really solve or answer other than ourselves.

I've always spent most of my time alone. So much. Maybe it's unhealthy, but people...they fucking stab you in the back. :nonono:

If you want to know what helps me feel independent and release my vendetta against the world, I run and ride my bike constantly. Not only does exercise release stress, and not only is it one of the MOST satisfying highs i've ever found, but it makes you stronger both physically and, I feel, spiritually.

One thing that's amazed me, sober and throughout my trips, is how determined life is in an environment that always works against it. Sure, life only appeared on earth because of ideal conditions, but we all feel the pain. Storms threaten us, hunger pushes us, and competition puts us against each other, but it all works toward the greater miracles of life. For some reason, whatever you fathom that reason is, life continues spontaneously in very non-spontaneous conditions. We all feel the pain, dukkah.  :buddha3:

I'm up for PM's as well.
Myk


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Where would you rather be?

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Re: Making friends if your workmates suck [Re: dummy]
    #12740880 -

Sounds to me like your unhappy in London. I'm sure you could meet some interesting people though if you tried....London really is a huge city! Depending how finacialy stable you are perhaps you should consider moving....but if your job is paying well perhaps it will be better to save up some money for awhile. Sorry I don't have better advice to offer...I personally don't like to stick around any one place too long...

Edited by rezen (06/14/10 10:48 AM)

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Re: Making friends if your workmates suck [Re: rezen]
    #12740973 -

hey hey:rofl2:

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Re: Making friends if your workmates suck [Re: dusk]
    #12741207 -

I can't help you with the ex.  For friends, get a hobby and join a forum dedicated to it.  It sounds silly, but a lot of my friends today I have met from a hobby forum I joined years ago. 

About 10 years ago, I had moved to a new city, and I didn't really know all that many people other then my co-workers.  I joined a forum dedicated to one of my hobbies, and I ended up going to a few local meet-and-greets.  I have met a few people from it, and they eventually became pretty close friends.

As for a hobby, it could be anything; it could be photography, the outdoors, fishing, cars, *growing shrooms* -it does'nt matter.  There are tons of forums for each of these hobbies, and I can tell you that you WILL meet like-minded locals in these forums.  Just be an active member in what ever forum for whatever hobby you choose, and go to the local gatherings, and you will meet people that you will eventually consider close friends.



ps.  Your avatar of "Bottom" kicks ass!  I fucking love that show!  Its a pitty its off the air and I don't have any channels on my TV that show re-runs of it.  I can watch the same episode 10 times, and I will still laugh my ass off watching it again!

Edited by HairyTaco (06/14/10 12:12 PM)

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