This is the worst semester I've ever had at college and wound up getting a D in one my majors courses which I believe means I have to retake it.
It brings me no stress at all. I don't care. I went through the stress but it's all from other people. Authorities saying ohhh no you need to keep your grades up and parents of course, most definitely parents.
So I took and absorbed that negative energy for a while, fretted a bit, then realized that none of it comes from me; it is just a general pressure exerted by society upon me, setting up these fear/stress/pain mechanisms through operant conditioning upon certain situations.
So I don't care.
I want to be a yogi in the Indian mountains or go join the Hare Krishnas and attain Christ-Consciousness. Or be a musician and touch people's hearts very very very deeply and save lives.
I'm a psychology major but I just don't see myself going to graduate school. The only psych things I'm interested in are the psychedelic and mystical states. Where most people went through school following ambitions, even a friend of mine setting up his life so he can use psychedelics as a therapist and having a very firm goal..... I didn't..... well
I'm a junior in high school and I'm thinking
I know I should go to college.
Then I'm a senior in high school thinking
I know I should go to college.
But I don't do anything or research it. So my parents sent me into momentum to go to community college. And I do.
And psychology was interesting, but curiously the most work ethic I've ever had was in community college, because I always had the same psychology teacher and I was in love with her for whatever reason and she made us do A LOT of reading and work, moreso than any other classes I've probably ever had though... yet I liked it. It was interesting.....
then I get a bit fed up with staying at my parents because I want to get stoned and explore psychedelics, and be in touch with my friends who are at another University.... so I tell them I want to transfer early... so I do
I don't really get into anything other than herb too much. It did nothing to my grades; my grades were better when I was the most heavily smoking than they are in the past 2 semesters since I have never (or hardly ever) touched the stuff.
My lungs hated me for it though.
Then I got into yoga.
But I just skated through school.
Now I'm a senior and I freak out this semester because I realize I'm wasting all my time here and it doesn't mean anything to me at all, doesn't bring me any joy, isn't what I'm really too terribly interested in, and I'm going to have to graduate soon... and I start sabotaging my grades.
Now I never really "studied" my whole time here per se, only when I felt OMG I HAVE TO OR ELSE but generally never.... and it was fine, usually As and Bs, sometimes straight As...... but this semester killed me because I killed it... I really came to terms with my disenfranchisement of my education (or I could blame it on "the system" but the system would be better if I used it properly) and so now it's Cs and Ds, and that's fine except somehow I wound up with a D in my psych class
and it was so simple, i just had to write one 2 page paper a week, just BS my way through them, and this wouldn't have happened to me, but I scarcely did half of them.
And I knew it wasn't right.
I don't want to work. I would rather be homeless, find a monastic situation somewhere...... just do something real..... but what I do want is to do what I love and make money. That isn't work, that is passion, and that would be skippy...... you know... the teachers who love to teach, it touches their hearts.... you can call it a job but it's their LIFEBLOOD and you know for me if I just went through circus hoops, that would be a job, a hell, slavery, not a passion
but I don't know what my passion is... I like doing tai chi, I like doing yoga, I like meditating, I kind of like pot, I like chanting and singing....... I kind of want to stay in society instead of leave it for monastic living, but I'd need the right relationships
when mundane frumpy lower resonant people live society with the motions of apathy they aren't the kind of people I want to live with
more like hippy artist kind of people that are sincere, realize their label is a sham, but agree with the core values of the label so don the dreadlocks or whatever it is..... just that sort of vibe to them
and you know
Jeuss says give up your possessions and follow me... you cannot be my disciple if you don't take up your cross (crucifying ego for one, leaving society for another), store up not your treasures upon the earth, worry not a care about what you will be fed because the animals don't
and yet my mother wouldn't dream of living this way and if I said this stuff to them they'd frown
and they'd send me a lot of disapproval
and it would hurt
or I could laugh at them
I don't care at all!
But as SOON as I am in the presence of people deluded by wrong views of reality they suck me down and transmit all the "stay in school" "just say no" that kind of stuff at me and they don't get it... you can't be a magician when your followers don't believe in magick eh?
Why are you sitting around breathing man, do something productive, twiddle your thumbs super fast and tremble your legs incessantly whil drinking coffee and MURDERING YOUR LIEFORCE by bad posture by craning your necks over dusty books that make you feel lousy
studying is a form of suicide, when your spine gets all fucked up like that you can't breathe right, then you have these giant heavy backpacks
i have to go to chiropracting because of it, but most people are so shut off from their chi and prana and the insides of their bodies that they don't really realize that what they are doing is completely unnatural
so ehhhh
here i am a flunky and i only have one semester left
it is not something i can really explain to my family, they feel like a tax on my quest for freedom. good diet. good yoga. all goes out the window when i go home. it doesn't have to, but it's hard
you need a sangha
we all do if we are serious
doesn't mean they have to be a monk, they can just be friends you live with
but i need a sangha i guess.
--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!
....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!
|
Threaded
Previous
Index
Next
Golden Teacher Liquid Culture For Sale 
Bulk Cannabis Seeds 
Spores for European Microscopy 
Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order 
North Spore Mushroom Grow Kits & Cultivation Supplies
leery11 
badchad 
Edit 
Reply 
timetravel
1 2 all )
MOTH
Holydiver
tak
z_x_x_z
McKennaFan200
World Spirit
idiotek