i know you have time! read it! its amazing and gratifying.
here it is, happy the harmonica:
Once upon a time, smack dab right in the middle of America, there was an Old Lady who had a dog, a cat, and a harmonica. But there was one thing more she wanted…
She wanted to learn to play home sweet home, to make her harmonica happy…but the old lady had a pain…
She stayed in bed morning, noon, and night. She never went anywhere! From 8 in the morning until 8 at night she would practice Home Sweet Home to make her harmonica happy.
Queeny the cat would meow…Dandy the dog would bark…And the Old Lady’s sister would stop sweeping the floor, and start playing all the sharps and flats on the piano.
Oh, what a beautiful concert! But they never played to the end. Right in the middle of home sweet home the Old Lady would start having the pain. The old lady would cry “oh…….Oh………OH!!!!!” exactly three times, and yet another time for good measure, “OHHHHhhHhH!!!!”
Nobody knew where the pain was, not even the old lady, for you couldn’t touch it, nor see it, nor smell it. But it was there just the same, because the old lady’s sister said so.
The old lady’s sister rubbed the old lady’s back, but that NEVER helped. The old lady’s sister rubbed the old ladies funny bone, but that NEVER helped! Then the old lady’s sister would stop rubbing the old lady, and remembered a charm that always worked, she would say three times:
“you poor thing, You Poor Thing, YOU POOR THING!” as soon as the old lady heard this, she would stop crying, and start playing home sweet home, to make happy the harmonica happy.
Well, this was all going along just fine until one day there wasn’t a bit of bread and butter in the house, so the old lady’s sister kissed the old lady…she kissed Queeny the cat…she kissed dandy the dog…and she hopped into the Pontiac firebird transam, where the excitement really begins, and off she went to Knob Hill Foods!
The old lady had nothing to do, so she began to play home sweet home to make happy the harmonica happy. At that, Queeny the cat meowed, Dandy the dog barked, but RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of home sweet home, the Old Lady had the pain!
She cried “oh…Oh…OH!!!” exactly three times, and one time over, for good measure, “OHHHhhHh!!!!” and guess what? Happy the harmonica also cried “ohhh!”
Then, what do you think happened? The hot little coal on the grill became so excited, kinda like the Pontiac did, but this is a little bit different. But nevertheless, the ember got so excited, the little coal jumped up! And then it jumped down…then it jumped up! And it jumped down again, until it jumped out again onto a plastic vegetable bag from Knob Hill Foods and started to burn down the house.
And when the little coal got off of the bag, the little coal is all red just like a briquette out of the fire, ya know? And it just kinda started making all the cheap plastic all shrivled up, kinda all…kinda made sort of a squeeking sound, ya know, as the plastic started shriveling up. And then, little jets, of white vapor just kinda shot up around the bottom of the bag on the wooden floor, just kinda creeping along the floor so cheepily.
And then…
And then it BURST INTO FLAMES!
As soon as the old lady saw the house burning, she forgot all about her pain. She hopped outta bed, she hopped down the stairs, she hopped into the yard and over the fence!
Queeny and dandy hopped too…
Happy the harmonica hopped three…
But, the pain came right behind all four of them.
The old lady ran north, and the pain ran north!
The old lady ran south, and the pain ran south!
The old lady ran east, and the pain ran east!
But here’s the grabber…
When the old lady ran west…the pain ran east! And it couldn’t find the old lady! The pain got so excited that it ran back into the house and was BURNT TO BITS! The old lady wasn’t burnt to bits! She kept on running!
She ran so fast, and ran so far, that she ran right into town! The old lady’s sister was coming out of Knob Hill Foods, and when the old lady’s sister saw the old lady with the pain…WITHOUT the pain, she was so surprised that she just stood and stared and looked and looked and looked at the old lady!
With the pain…WITHOUT the pain! Then she remembered the charm, “you poor thing! You poor thing! You poor thing!” and the old lady said “not at all! Not at all! Not at all! It doesn’t hurt a bit!”
The old lady was free!
You see, the old lady had lost her pain! FOREVER!
And she could hardly wait to get back home and play Home Sweet Home, to make her harmonica happy…
So they hopped into the Pontiac firebird transam, where the excitement really begins, and on the way home, they played the beginning, and this time, for the first time in history, they played to the end of Home Sweet Home to make happy the harmonica…happy.
THE END!
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