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Shop: Original Sensible Seeds Autoflowering Cannabis Seeds, Bulk Cannabis Seeds   Unfolding Nature Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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My mind isnt rationalizing correctly...
    #5700586 -

The past 2 weeks have been a pretty big downer for me, and the new week isnt beginning to get any nicer. I am having a big problem with my security being at loss spontaneously. At times I feel really arrogant, I feel like im trying to hard to give off an image that isnt me. The thing is, I dont wanna go back to being that kid that smokes alot of pot in his room and wears the same thing everyday. Im long gone with my "I dont give a shit" attitude, but now that I add some superficial improvements to my life, something keeps telling me to go back to that loner lifestyle.

I have been in the dark with my heterosexuality, and now that I try to put myself out there, I at first had a rather good sense of confidence. I smoke shwag today, and my mind just straight up punishes me. I feel like all the effort I suddenly put into making myself look nicer just was a violation of my human nature.

Now why the fuck would I think that? Why am I beginning to feel like an arrogant prick now that I try to move out of the shithole of humility I was in before? I feel totally humiliated, like being naked in front of a crowd of people. I cant do that, some of you can but I just cant. Im not necessarily aware of the fact that im in a process of finding myself. Rather, changes seem to come and go and at points I just end up being unhappy with myself. Im not supposed to care what others think of me, but at the same time I feel like I dont know my place under heaven.

If I were to rationalize this, I would comfort myself by affirming that everyone is just covered in dirt waiting for it to rain. If I am trying to find a different way to express myself, then so is everyone else, so i should have no feeling of shame or guilt.

Why wont my emotions reflect whats reasonable? Why do I have to sound like a pompous prick when I speak rather than sounding like someone that wants to contribute to the minds of others. Why am I choosing to criticize myself negatively rather than giving myself positive reinforcement. Its out of my control and I dont feel safe. Is this sudden lack of security Gods way of telling me to snap out of it and go back to being who I used to be? Or was there really no change to begin with, is this just some chemical fate my brain decided to choose at random. Should I trust myself at these self bashing moments, or am I doing the right thing trying to be the same deadbeat I used to be.

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Re: My mind isnt rationalizing correctly... [Re: Jon]
    #5701638 -

Don't worry about other people. What you think and feel is the reason that you perceive yourself as you do. If you feel shame and guilt, then there is a reason and you need to try to understand what's going on. This includes the changes that you've made. There is obviously some kind of dilemna that you're having. You want to be something, but when you do that, it turns out going all wrong. Or you want to be something and you simply fail at it.

My first advice is to stop complaining. That does nothing. Don't feel sad for yourself. These aren't some random emotional occurences that you're experiencing. They are happening for a reason.

It sounds like you have 2 goals in mind. The first is to lose your air of arrogance. Why do you feel like that? You need to ask the questions and find the answers. Perhaps you are being selfish or ignorant. Perhaps you are fearing the judgement of others. The second goal seems to be finding a girl (and friends in general, I'd assume). My advice is to take things slow. Relax and act naturally. The only goal in your mind should be to express yourself. You've known how to do that since you were 2 years old - why not now? If you try your best, you are headed in the right direction. That's where you want to be. Right there.

Don't let weed take over your life. That's just a copout. Do what you feel is right. Make some kind of life for yourself. Have fun and enjoy every day. I'm certain that things will work out for you if you realize that you are the one responsible for your life and act on your best intuition and intellect. Whether that means you raise a family and live a happy life or get shot in the head is the interesting thing to discover.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

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Re: My mind isnt rationalizing correctly... [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #5701666 -

just BE

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Re: My mind isnt rationalizing correctly... [Re: sleepy]
    #5701708 -

That's what he's trying to do. =p


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

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Re: My mind isnt rationalizing correctly... [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #5701724 -

he is succeeding :smile:

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Re: My mind isnt rationalizing correctly... [Re: sleepy]
    #5701730 -

you should not worry about rationalizing. watch it, watch it, you are the observer who is untouched by karma

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Re: My mind isnt rationalizing correctly... [Re: Jon]
    #5703750 -

I think lots of people can relate. Life is filled with putting on different masks for different occassions. I'll resist paraphrasing any Carl Jung. You don't walk around work smoking blunts in your boxers, and at the same time you don't talk the same way to your friends as you do your boss.

These are just small, blatant examples of a much bigger game. I would highly suggest The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene, and ignore any preconceptions you may have about the subject. Of course, I would also suggest jumping into some Jung, a very accessible work is the Portable Jung by Joseph Campbell.

Both of these are very different, but should give you much more insight on everything you are describing, right down to the t.


--------------------
No statements made in any post or message by myself should be construed to mean that I am now, or have ever been, participating in or considering participation in any activities in violation of any local, state, or federal laws. All posts are works of fiction.

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Re: My mind isnt rationalizing correctly... [Re: kotik]
    #5723211 -

Yea its easier to say 'just be' than to actually 'just be.'  At least in my case.  First thing, stop the self analyzing.  That was my big problem.  Get past that and everything will fall in its right path.  It got so bad I would analyze the way I sat compared to how others sat or how they ate compared to how I ate.  It was annoying as FUCK.  Then I had an Epiphany...why do I care about that?

I used to constantly burden my mind with large subjects like life and space and infinity and it just was tiring.  All day long I would sit there and theorize to myself occasionally spew the theories out then get some weird ass looks from people thinking I was a loon.  I found out yea EVERYTHING may be infinite, but without the small things, there would be nothing.  Trust me noticing the small things is awesome.  those flowers in your yard, that big oak tree, the patterns on the wall,the fish in your bowl, the curves of your dresser.  It is infinite seriously. 

I sort of got off subject, but don't analyze yourself.  Other people may analyze you but honestly, why care?  So they think you are a loser?  they should take the time to get to know you before judging you like that.  I used to judge people before speaking to them.  I am no supreme entity.  It's not my place.  I need to be.  And they need to be.  Stuff IS and stuff will BE.  You can only move forward man.  Its a dark, hard trip but theres only forward. 

Now you are probably older than me, I'm 18.  And may cast these words aside.  But whatever this is what I have learned the past few years.  I am just sharin the word. 

Don't get me wrong there are some times when I analyze myself.  I do it when I am tripping.  It unlocks doors that would otherwise be obstructed.

Something I thought of a few weeks ago that I like alot.  There is no NOW.  Time can be divided infinitely.  There is no end.  There is just what has happened and what will become.  That is science, not a theory.  You are an entity that is constantly being thrust through time.  Like diving head first into a pool.  Time is not a barrier its like a space craft.  Just depends where you go.

I hope that somewhat irrelevant rant helped you at least some degree.      ya Just gotta be infinite.  :gethigh:

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Re: My mind isnt rationalizing correctly... [Re: Jon]
    #5727663 -

It sounds like youve learned a pattern of behaviour and your ego is fighting against change. We hate change. However adaptive we think we are we are pretty much lazy fucks. We dont have to work for any neccesities so our ability to adapt has gone out the window. The reason you feel anxious/depressed/ashamed, is because your higher brain knows you want to change because you want to care about the world and others but your ego/thought patterns, dont want you to change because its difficult. All I can say is you gotta fight your thoughts. everytime one creeps up you dont like and you feel ashamed or negative in a way, you have to counter it by thinking a counter thought such as, feeling ashamed is part of my old brain (dont think its stupid because eventually you will end up feeling stupid) and then give yourself a reward by thinking, i am coming out of my old habitual way of thinking (or just remember to stay positive at the end of a trail of that negative/old pattern thought).
hope that helps. PM me if you have any questions. Ive been through lots of thought pattern changes and i know how difficult it can be.

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