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Shop: Myyco.com Golden Teacher Liquid Culture For Sale   Unfolding Nature Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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I'm an idiot.
    #5006034 -

Is it unusual to be 21 and to have never kissed? I bring this up because I have a friend that has recently fallen in love with a girl and they kiss all the time around me and it makes me sad...


I just don't know how to be socially aggressive and start conversations, and if I do I usually blow it, hardcore. I think this stems from my being an only child and never having friends. So my social skills never really developed.

here's an example: I met these girls

at a concert, everything was going great, I was actually talking to them and making jokes and stuff. Then the opening band comes on, they're fucking terrible, worst shit I've ever heard, and I'm pretty open minded. I tell the girls "I can't stand this music" and they tell me "those are our friends!" The music gets worse and worse and finally I say "I'm gonna save my ears for the good shit," and I just walked out of the place. When I came back in they were gone. oops, another missed opportunity. sometimes I think I'm cursed because shit like this happens all the time...

any advice on not fucking stuff up would be appreciated.

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Aaladorn]
    #5006082 -

You did the right thing. To find someone who accepts and likes you for who you are is worth waiting for, and anything else is misery.

You need to work on more socializing though. Just practice and don't worry about results. You will get better in time. Then take a chance and kiss a girl or three. If you blow it don't worry, it's practice and you will get more chances. Good luck.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Aaladorn]
    #5006086 -

Don't worry dude, everybody finds their lady eventually. I know everbody says this but it's true, just get out there and meet people, be yourself and she will come to you.

On another note, that is one hilarious story.

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: zoomed]
    #5006123 -

one of my problems is that I live in the middle of nowhere, I have to drive 60+miles to meet anyone that I have something in common with. I was never attracted to the trendy "yay fashion" girls that were the majority in school.

I figure waiting instead of settling would make it that much more satisfying when I met someone I really like.

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: zoomed]
    #5006147 -

also, if you thought that story was funny, you should hear the one about my date I went on. I knew this girl had broke up with her boyfriend, and I thought she was open minded enough to enjoy a concert. The Fiery Furnaces were playing, so I invited her. It was uncomfortable from the beginning, she stayed on her cell phone which rang constantly while I tried my best to have a conversation with her.

We ate at a restaurant, I paid for it all. We went to a bookstore and she acted like she wanted all of this shit, and I didn't have the money to buy a lot of shit. so that was kind of uncomfortable.

we get to the concert and it takes a long time to get in, everything was running late. so I'm stuck outside in line with her, she's on her cell phone talking to who knows.. by this point I've found out that she is pitifully stupid and a gold-digger.

We finally make it in, and watch the 2 opening bands which were really good, she acted like she liked it, even though there was absolutely no chemestry between me and her by this point. Her phone rings again...

It's her ex-boyfriend saying she needs to come home because it's getting late. I had NO FUCKING CLUE she lived with him. I want to watch the show but at this point I'm so dissapointed that I don't think I could enjoy it with her around. So I drive back home, 60 miles, didn't get to see the band I wanted to see. Drop her off at her boyfriends house... and I'm totally perplexed and confused. and done with dating..

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Aaladorn]
    #5006150 -

I know exactly what you mean, I started kissing when I was like 15. I then met a girl that I dated for about 2 weeks. My other 2 ex's have been my gf for 4 weeks and 1,6 month

Now I met the girl of my dreams! She's everything I ever hoped for!  :cool: It just takes time! You'll meet someone that you love and who cares that you're 20 and never kissed... Kissing can be learned pretty quickly  :wink:


--------------------
"This combines the good sides of every other drug with none of the bad. This is the ultimate luxury, the flawless wisdom-pleasure hit. More mellow and cozy than heroin, but you don't nod out. I feel more alive and wired and energetic than with speed, but not jangly. Its got the blast of cocaine, but it lasted ten times longer."

"Going to the grave without ever having a psychedelic experience is like going to the grave without ever having sex. That means you will die before even becoming an adolescent." -Terence Mckenna

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Aaladorn]
    #5006444 -

No worries man, that will make the one you connect with that much better. It usually happens without any effort and when you least expect it.

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Aaladorn]
    #5006994 -

It is not a contest or anything, age doesn't mean a thing, that kind of thinking is what is unhealthy. You can't let that bother you.
I grew up as an only child also. A lot of times, I felt socially withdrawn or not accepted. I felt like I just couldn't even hold up a conversation.
Most of my teen years were spent by myself trying to keep myself entertained.
In time, bad thought loop patterns would evolve and I would find myself obsessing over the fact that I had no real social life and was single.
This sort of thinking was very unhealthy.. I let myself fall into depression and suicidal thinking a few times even.

It's very frustrating, but eventually it gets so frustrating that it gets tiresome. I didn't understand why i feared rejection or failure so much.. it is some type of perfectionism.. I had the attitude like "if there's a chance that i can't do it right, then I won't even try".

A new way of thinking took over.. I just stopped caring what anyone or anything thought about me. I just didn't care if I made a fool out of myself or what.. Nothing bothered me at all during this point.
I didn't exactly go looking for friendship or anything, but noticed that things are so much easier when you just don't care anymore.
Other people responded so much better to that attitude and I started to notice that in reality people do like me and there wasn't anything wrong all along, it was all in my head. I created that world in my head, and it prevented me from being myself when around others.

This healing process took years for me but now that I made it, I know I'll never fall back into that way of thinking. Looking back on it, things weren't even really that bad, I mean I had some good times and experiences in solitude.


--------------------
Immortal / Temporarily Retired
The OG Thread Killer
My mushroom hunting gallery

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: eris]
    #5007592 -

Great attitude and great post. :thumbup:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Icelander]
    #5007608 -

hey dude things will work out.

i'm 20 and unkissed... can't say that i have a g/f but i actually have a prospect.... just keep trying to expand your mind, push the limits, explore yourself, and then you get this kind of perspective where synchronicity becomes at times appaulingly apparent, and things start to work themselves out in your favor.

or maybe not.

I have a congruency between my dream life and the waking world.... 2 days ago I talked to someone about dreams, psychedelics, etc, in a dream I had. Now I'm not sure who this individual was, but I know tha tbeforehand I set the goal of asking a specific person these questions....

so anyway... I run into this specific person by sheer random chance today, and he mentions that he's a lucid dreamer. The odds are just way too far out there... me and this guy "click" we're on the same frequency..... there's this look in his eyes ..... I don't know.

Then I ran into him again right after that, too!

My desire for physical affection isn't being met, but... things are falling into play nonetheless, you just have to stick with things and start trying to wrap your head around the limitations of "reality" and pieces will fall into play for you.

At least I think they will. Anyway I'm talking to this girl and .... I don't know what's going to become of us, but she expressed interest in seeing me outside of class..... even after the semester ended, and we're going to have coffee next week.

I don't think she's on the save "frequency" as me, but..... you know.... I didn't try for this. It happened. Sure there were a few hurdles I had to jump over, but.... by and by it just happened.

That's how things should work, so just be patient and look for them, but don't search. look but don't search be observant..... of how things happen. Be observant of your mind..... but the real opportunities, they happen automatically.

They will only happen automatically when you're ready for them to and have expanded to the necessary point though.....

Do you get what I'm saying?

radiate good energy, if you can, be loving to all... if you can't, just be peaceful and don't let negative emotions consume you, and radiate friendliness and interest in others... doing so will create fortuitous circumstances in the almost immediate future and help you connect with those that you are meant to connect to.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (12/02/05 05:27 PM)

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: leery11]
    #5007693 -

Well I guess reading this makes me feel better. I feel like when I was younger I connected real well with girls and there was no effort needed. Then I went on homestudy and withdrew from society and got very philosophical and... different. Aldous Huxley kind of sums up my situation, "Anyone who has found something more interesting than sex in an intellectual." Yes, there's girls out there... And there is no way I can connect with them, I am so completely engulfed in myself and my enviroment that I cannot connect with anyone, really... not even my parents, which is where I feel it started.

But I'm still pretty happy so I guess when I start hitting up girls again, (unless I go crazy) it will only multiply my happiness.

I think we all share a common trait in our keenness of insight and ability to analyze, as it seems most people posting here have one circumstance in common, and that is a period of isolation, or solitude... in which the thinking begins.


--------------------
...

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Herbus]
    #5007800 -

lots of great advice here, thanks for the responses. I've done some thinking and my main problem is building the courage to actually initiate a conversation. How do you approach people and what do you say to initiate? Sometimes I feel robotic using the english language to communicate, it seems unnatural at times.... I think body language and eye contact are way more important than words sometimes. I have trouble looking into girls' eyes sometimes because if I do, I get totally hypnotized and unable to speak, and I feel like a weirdo...


And yes, I love solitude, I would not be the same person at all (for the worst) if I hadn't spent so many years alone.

Edited by Aaladorn (12/02/05 06:18 PM)

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Aaladorn]
    #5007810 -

i feel robotic too.

it's what is behind the communication. if you're just "shotting the shit" then the convo is going to suck ass, but like, if you're in a real good mood, and you don't really care what you are talking about, you just want to interact with someone and spread some good vibes, then you can pull off the trivial conversing with ease.

so i think the first step is to assess why you want to start conversations with people in the first place.... what you would gain from doing so. what you plan to gain from doing so.

then you just go and do it. Seek out someone that looks right.

But I can't really do this.... I'm not bad at talking at all but initiating things with strangers? hmmm not really something I do.........

if you're a student then just go up to someone random and say hi like at a social gathering type place, a cafeteria or something, or in class is much better.

in class is the surest bet really, it's how this girl and i started associating with each other loosely. you know, college kids always sit in the same place if they can, so eventually you'll see familiar faces and you just start mentioning class-work or something.....


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Aaladorn]
    #5007812 -

Tell the truth  :whoa: If you're nervous around a girl, tell her right off and she will forgive your missteps often.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Icelander]
    #5008599 -

Icelander said:
Tell the truth  :whoa: If you're nervous around a girl, tell her right off and she will forgive your missteps often.


yeah man, Not much advice here but a story of relation at least...

Long story short, i was harshly taken advantage of when i was a kid in grade 10 and it broke my heart and caused me to build a shell of social isolation. Now i can be the best of friends with a girl, but god what if my leg touched her leg!?

Anyways, i waited just about 4 years renouncing pointless relationships and pointless friendships, recluse in love with isolation... and like you, i came to a time of extreme denile and lonesomeness...

and i play this game of "shy guy" and ive got it all figured out, she's just not worth my time and so i wait, and wait, and wait...

and in the past 10 months ive fallen in love twice. twice, real love, unrepetant fullblown, life changing, kick ass joyous freakin' love. guilt free, no games - just... i hope i know you forever, and i accept you always - love.

Finally im in a cool life situation where i have something to offer (nothing material) but a good understanding, a listening ear, a gentle touch, cool stories and a down to earth attitude without objectifying anyone, and... they feel that. They've come to me.. cause our heads are on the same level, both are a few years older than me.. and ill be damned if i could approach them..

But only just this past week, my roommate crawled into bed with me, and like Icelander said - i told her i felt awkward and why i deal with situations like this in an indirect manner (as we're cuddling) and she's kinda taken me under her wing... and she's helped me overcome my underlaying sexual and emotional fears .. and we've gotten ever so close and thank each other for being there.. she gives me advice on a multitude of situations. Girls are forgiving and if they see an innocent but honest guy... (the cool chicks) you better watch out, cause they'll mould you into their kiss/fuck machine to suit their purposes and your life will be totally fulfilled. Something to remember, that im only just realizing after being with a mature girl... is that sexually, they are just as gratified as you in everything - they want you just as much as you want them.

The moral of the story is... waiting is worth it. Dont try and force yourself into social situations just because your mother, brother, and friends have been getting sweet kisses on the cheek, or have great fuck stories..

Just be yourself, honest, quiet, withdrawn and find someone whose willing to accept and embrace you for who you are, and treat them the same. If you both strugle with "social" or "dating" situations, force yourself to step up to plate, but be honest, talk about it, joke about it... Just get out and do it, together.

in my experience looking for the kind of girl i want.. a bar, a club, or any sort of open meat market where there's competition is awfully unappealing and the girls might fuck you, but you wont get any more. Go join a club, or hang out in the used book store, or sit outside the library, or chat at the coffee shop and your more likely to find someone equal - or at least equal to me..

Learn to identify the qualities you think you value in a partner beyond their ass, or clothes..

Goodluck bro.!

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: headset]
    #5009161 -

Quote:
Girls are forgiving and if they see an innocent but honest guy... (the cool chicks) you better watch out, cause they'll mould you into their kiss/fuck machine to suit their purposes and your life will be totally fulfilled.



Wow, how do you agree and disagree with someone based on what they say in the same sentence?  Crazy!!

A kiss/fuck machine is awesome, but to suit their purposes and then your life will be TOTALLY FULFILLED?? :rolleyes:

Wow!! :grin:


McKennaDMT :mushroom2: :mushroom2: :mushroom2:


--------------------
Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5009272 -

Age doesnt matter one bit. Weather you kiss at 13 or 30, it is no different. You should not try conforming yourself to a certain style just to get a girl to like you. Maybe if you just want a one night stand, then sure that could work. But love shouldnt be forced. You would be very unhappy if you decide to be with someone who doesnt share interest in the things you do. The things you are interested in are what makes you, you. If a girl is not interested in the anything you like she wont be interested in you either. Being with a girl like that is worse than being alone because youll just spend your time having akward moments of silence with a girl you dont know much about.

You should go out and try making friends of both sexes. This can help by exercising you conversation skills and also meeting new people who might know where there are some parties where there will be more girls. If parties arent your thing just go hang out somewhere you really like. If you like books go to a library and you will find girls who like more or less what you like. Meeting a girl in a place you like will make it easier to carry a conversation because youll have more to talk about.

Just keep searching and waiting patiently. When you meet a girl who is good for you, you will know. Also try not to think of sex while talking to girls. It can really fuck things up sometimes and make you act funny.

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Aaladorn]
    #5010146 -

>>>>Is it unusual to be 21 and to have never kissed?

Don't be concerned, don't measure yourself. The problem is that you believe you have a problem. It sounds simple, but is very profound. Fear of rejection creates rejection. Instead of worrying about what a paticular girl thinks about you, be CURIOUS about her. Believe that you are everything a girl could want (without an ego) and you will find girls that are everything you want. Relax... fell good about yourself.

Be aware that if you make attempts to get to know them better, you WILL experience rejection and it WILL hurt, but keep in mind that those bad feelings are there for you to learn from. Understand that girls will question your intentions. And why shouldn't they? Pretty girls spend their time brushing off guys. Until they get to know you, they will assume you'd like to use them as a masterbation aid. Be CURIOUS about them as individuals and god will take care of the rest :shocked:

Also, you will meet a lot of girls who APPEAR to enjoy the control they have over men. The truth is, they are simply afraid, and they cover it by acting like bitches. This doesn't mean they are "bad apples", but leave them alone. Allow them to remain in ignorance of your awesome nature. The will come around when/if they feel like it.

You are good enough. If that sounds silly, it's only because you don't believe it. If that sounds silly, re-read paragraph one until it's perfectly obvious.

Rahz


--------------------
rahz

comfort pleasure power love     truth awareness peace I am      I feel      I do     I love  I speak    I see    I know

why there is reality and patterned, law-like consistency at all, rather than noise or non-reality is not a question physics answers. It's a question physics presupposes an answer to in order to provide other answers.

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5010606 -

McKennaDMT said:
Quote:
Girls are forgiving and if they see an innocent but honest guy... (the cool chicks) you better watch out, cause they'll mould you into their kiss/fuck machine to suit their purposes and your life will be totally fulfilled.



Wow, how do you agree and disagree with someone based on what they say in the same sentence?  Crazy!!

A kiss/fuck machine is awesome, but to suit their purposes and then your life will be TOTALLY FULFILLED?? :rolleyes:

Wow!! :grin:


McKennaDMT :mushroom2: :mushroom2: :mushroom2:


well to clarify - i was just tellin' buddy not to stress about not being kissed. Ie. he's a clean slate, once he connects with a girl, she'll teach him the ropes and appreciate him that much more cause he'll be trained to please her and treat womens good rather than objectification and rushing to bed.

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Re: I'm an idiot. [Re: eris]
    #5027662 -

eris said:
Looking back on it, things weren't even really that bad, I mean I had some good times and experiences in solitude.



That is the truth! Even though it can be quite lonely and frustrating, it is a good experience. After my attitude changed and I started opening up to people I relished all that alone time that I indulged in for so many years. Reading and thinking about all of the thinks I spent my time on just makes this part of life that much more interesting.


--------------------
I may not always tell the truth, but atleast I'm honest
-----------

I see what everyone is saying. It is so hard to form an opinion when you see both sides so clearly!

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