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Ok, as a preface....this is going to be a long and probably semi-convoluted post, but possibly quite interesting.
As the topic states...this is about a girl. I've never tried to explain the majority of what has happened in one sitting, and this will obviously not suffice. What I hope to do here is get out the majority of what has happened.
Before I begin, 'she' will be referred to as C, and the other guy in the story shall be referred to as B.
Around February of last year, I was introduced by B to this girl C over AIM. (we all live in the same area and went to the same school). C and I started talking and very quickly became friends. Her, a girl that would soon become a good friend, M, and another friend of mine decided to hang out together. From the very second we met, I knew there was something completely different about this girl from any other girl; I couldn't tell what it was then.
The next evening, I inquired if she had felt something along the lines of a very strong metaphysical connection to me when we were hanging out the previous night; she replied with a 'yes.' We talked about this for a while, and she came to the conclusion that it was not right for her to have these feelings for me, because she was with B, and didn't want to betray him.
So that's all fine and dandy, no big problems. The summer hit, and we would stay up talking (on AIM usually) till 4 or 5 in the morning, anywhere from three to five nights a week. She would wait for me to get on around midnight, and I would also wait when she wasn't on. Fourish hours of talking at night a couple nights a week, and we were impossibly close friends.
After that brief background, now begins the fun.
Being a cancer myself (she is cancerian as well e.e), one day my emotionalness broke through and I felt the need to tell her that I had grown to love her...possibly being in love with her. We talked about this for days, conversations spawning on many nights with words similar to (her: You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met. If I could break my own heart I'd let you go just so you wouldn't have to be in pain) or (me: It feels like you are my second half. You complete me and as long as we'd be together, we'd be happy.) These talks led to us attempting to define our "relationship," which we couldn't define. We both came to the conclusion that we loved eachother more deeply than even the best of friends...but yet we were not in-love with eachother. PS, many more hours of talking and exchanged emails later, it came down to me asking: do you think you will ever be in love with me? her: i'd say there's a very strong possiblity.
A day or two after we exchanged that ^ email, she left with her family for Hawaii, which was where she was spending her birthday vacation. Her and B had been having a little fight before she left, fyi. A few days into her vacation, she calls me, crying. B had called her, yes, on her birthday vacation in Hawaii, and said, "there's a strong possibility we're breaking up." And yes, he made that call to her while she was in Hawaii, on her birthday vacation.
Looking back, it would seem on her return is when things started going downhill. (we're at about beginning of August atm).
To cut it short for the next, say...6 months, or up until now. We began to fight more than we used to. The fights became more often occurring in 2004. We two have the ability, like people that are together do, to fight and then make up and be fine the next day. We've had (the longest to date period) of two and a half weeks of not talking to eachother.
Now, for the more personal side of it: Firtly, B is, in my opinion, an absolute and complete douchebag. He's cheated on C with three or four other girls (yes, she knows about them), including a good friend of mine who was engaged to another friend of mine that was in another state doing military detail. He broke up with her on her birthday vacation, via telephone. I'm not the explicit B-disliker, either. His car has been: Batted, papered, silly stringed, and baloganed (sp?). They've broken up somewhere between five and ten times to my count. He is, as I said, a douchebag.
What's been happening for the past many months is, in my mind, cyclical reptition. We will get really close, then we have a big fight and dont talk to eachother for a while. We start talking, get close, big fight, etc.
Before I go anyfurther...this girl lives 5 minutes away from me and we rarely see eachother; it's something we fight about a lot.
Now, I'm sure your think, well, what about an update on the love status? Don't ask, I'll tell you! She's told me she doesn't love me, which I'm ok with - you can't force people to love you. HOWEVER (big however), she has a problem with covering emotions up. In a talk one day, her best friend (who is also a good friend of mine) informed me that C had told her (the friend) that she actually did love me. So yeah, that was fun to find out from a friend. (I've never brought up the friend telling me C said she loved me, fyi...I'm not one to use information against others)
I have pictures on my computer she's drawn me; I have a picture that says, "To myname, for always being my angel"
So to recoup: she's said she thinks she'll be in love with me -> saynig she wishes she'd never said she would be in love with me -> saying she loves me as a friend -> me hearing that she actually does love me -> more shit, basically repetition
Normally, I would have been done with her a long time ago...this girl is the primary source of pain in my life. But, something will not allow me to let go?
For a little Tropicana twist: we both are connected to eachother. When she's feeling extremely down, I begin to feel pain. I've been in some horrific, emotional pain and she's called me because she was feeling extreme pain and knew something was wrong. I do the same back with her.
We have SO much fun when we're together, it's like nothing else. We are both very sarcastic people, and we just constnatly make eachother laugh, because we're really the only two people that can take and laugh at eachother's sarcasm, taking it as sarcasm. It feels completely natural for us to be together, when we do spend time with eachother. Hmm, that reminds me...over her spring break, she would call me two or three times a day, and we were doing stuff together everyday. As soon as her spring break ended, we didn't talk for a week. ?_?
I've had a chart done for us (astrology), which revealed that we would be very, very good together. One -very- interesting thing I was told is that we have always been together, since the day we met. ... This could explain our ability to fight and then love again, no?
fyi: her and B are not together atm...but yet, she's still in love with him. I asked her about how she could still love him and not hate him now, after all the cheating and everything that has happened...and she replied, "myname, do you love me? do you hate me?" I understood after that.
So yeah, that's a very, very brief summary of what's happened. What's not included are nights of crying, impossible words being exchanged, etc.
I guess i'd really just like some people's input or questions if you have any. Im starting to become basically apathetic towards the situation primarily, I think, due to how much pain she has caused me.
that is a very dense situation, with the amount of emotion and time put into this relationship, whatever you want to call it.
there are 2 possibilities, in my opinion; one could give you hope, one could crush you.
Scenario 1: she's afraid of being with you for fear of it being the love of her life. sometimes people arent ready for that sort of intense love emotion. this was my situation with my best guy friend for a long long time. i knew that we would be so in love and so serious if we were to get together, and i think deep down i was afraid of that. so i would push him away when he got too close. i have no idea why; girls are weird. i am also a cancer, so maybe its how emotional we are.
so does she push you away when things are getting close?
Scenario 2: you are the old forgotten baby toy. you are put on the shelf when you are not needed, and when things go wrong, you are the fallback comfort because she knows you love her.
when things are good with her and B, does she still talk to you? does she act the same around you?
Answer these questions, and think about the way she is treating you. If you truly believe she loves you, then this is worth it i promise. but take a step back from all the intense emotion surrounding the situation and make sure you arent being used and abused, because that's just not healthy. girls like to play games, dont get caught up in them. i used to do the same thing when i was like 15. be careful!
-------------------- "Love says 'I am everything.' Wisdom says 'I am nothing.' Between the two, my life flows."