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Jumping off a bridge
    #4444003 -

Venting.


Well, after getting wasted last night, making an ass out of myself in numerous ways, and waking up hungover, I went back to sleep to sleep my day away. I woke up in a sweat, realizing that my air conditionaing is not working anymore. I didn't even bother calling the main office, since I know that by the time they actually get men out here to fix it, I'll be moved out. So it's nice sweltering Texas weather for me now. Then I get a call from hubby who says that Dell (shmell) is forcing the sales team to work 2-4 hours of mandatory overtime next week. This means he'll have a 60+ hour work week when he is only scheduled for 40. This may be normal for some people but it is not normal for us. I feel like I never see him anymore and on top of the fact that this apartment is going to shit and I may be homeless soon anyway. Everything is breaking around here, my neighbors are scary and let their dogs bark ALL night, and generally things suck a huge dick. I was assured by the manager at Petsmart that I would get the job there, but I haven't gotten a call back yet. Which makes me really bummed since that job would have been perfect for me and I honestly would have enjoyed it. But no, that's too simple, doing things for a living that are enjoyable. Oh yeah, and I'm out of weed. My brain hates it when I don't have THC to saturate it with. and I have a friend that seems to be mad at me for some reason.

I know half of the reason why everything seems worse then it actually is is because I have a bad attitude right now. I know that I'd feel a lot better if I just jumped on the treadmill instead of off a bridge. It's just that jumping off a bridge sounds so appealing it's all I can think about. I think a part of me wants to be miserable. I'm not suicidal...well, not really. It's just that I'd rather not be alive. I'm not in that place where I feel like taking my own life, but I fantasize about it. That is normal. Isn't it? I think so. People fantasize about everything else, why not suicide.

I'm fine though. It's just the way my thoughts seem to be going lately.

But that's not fair, see, because as human beings we are forced to endure sucky times of our lives in the hope that eventually things will smooth out again.

I know I'm overreating about my life. I have to be. So what if I have 50 cents to my name right now, have no idea where I'll be living next month, jobless, friendless, hideous and never see my husband because Dell sucks? Who CARES. I should be able to stay totally chill, totally with it, and just go with the flow. I should read a book. Write something. Play with my cats. And I do. So I should be happy. I should be able to do that. Come on, your life can suck and you can still be happy, right? But for some reason, there is a blockage. I want to be unhappy right now. I do. It feels good, satisfying and familiar to go back in the hole. This is because being miserable is A LOT easier then being happy. Let's face it, it's true. You never hear people complaining with, "Oh GOD! This happiness is killing me!" WEll, rarely often.

I don't know why I'm letting this stress get to me so much. I'm trying to let it go. But it's hard when I feel like everywhere I turn there is stress pushing itself right in my face. I've just felt so DOWN. So depressed. Wah wah, I feel like a total douche for even writing this post. If I read this post in here from someone else I'd probably give the following advice:

*Start exercising
*Meditate
*Get a new hobby
*Eliminate the things in your life that are stressing you.

Yes, I am reading that list and I know that all of those things will be beneficial to me. And tonight, maybe when I'm not so self-absorbed, I'll even try to get things back on track. However part of the stress is that I feel like I have no control over anything in my life right now. And I don't really. Kevin's grandparents do.

That's the feeling...like I'm on a runaway train. Like I'm just floating in limbo, waiting for events to take place.

Is it NORMAL to feel this way before a move? Particularly if you don't know where you are moving to and have no say in the future of your own home?

I think it might be. THat makes me feel a little better.

I'm just stuck, right now. STUCK.

I'll probably make matters worse for myself by going out and getting a fast-food job tomorrow. But we need the money.

What's a little depression if you're making money.

I'm out of steam now, I may return to this thread later to rant some more. It did help me feel a little better.

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: MOTH]
    #4444014 -

Quote:
*Start exercising
*Meditate
*Get a new hobby
*Eliminate the things in your life that are stressing you.


:thumbup: all good things.

btw, dont jump off a bridge trust me, iv done it, it HURTS...bad

but yea, i hope u get through everything alright, im having some bad money problems right now to. money can be a bitch (when u dont have it) y cant we all jsut be millionaires :grin:


--------------------
May God have mercy upon my enemies, because i won't.

General George S. Patton
:paranoid:

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: MOTH]
    #4444058 -

Elle,
of course I don't know you at all so I cannot comment on any part of your life.

However I have read many, many of your posts here (I read way more than I post) and know that you are truly loved and cared for by many on this board, if nothing else. I'm sure you have many in real life who love and care about you more than you will ever know as well.

It's times like these when those people matter most. Allow yourself to connect with them. If you can swallow your pride and show that you're hurting to the right people (I know it can be hard)... you will likely receive more help than you need. Friends don't know you need a helping hand unless you let them know.

I don't know you at all, but I have been through enough shit and depression to care about you regardless. I guess that's the good that came out of those dark moments. If you want to talk about anything at all, or if I can be of any assistance, PM me. Feel free to use me or this message board to vent and get whatever you need out of your system. It won't hurt anyone else, but it can help you feel better.


--------------------
Just say NO to the War on Drugs.

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: MOTH]
    #4444089 -

Don't stress it. You can do eeet.
Have a cat instead.



--------------------
these long agonizing months without you...have been long and agonizing..
"War Doesn't Decide Who's Right... It Only Decides Who's Left."

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: MOTH]
    #4444096 -

:heart: all my love to ellemysh


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.

~Casil



:cactus:

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: MOTH]
    #4444173 -

Wow Michelle, I think I can totally feel where you are coming from..
I used to get stuck in these patterns of self-destructive tendencies, where things would start to look up and then BAM ten things go wrong. And I usually just made it worse by taking an apathetic attitude towards it.. like fuck it. I think I stayed depressed for a long time, just because that was the easy thing to do. Just  crawl in a hole and the crap is out of sight mentality..
but there's a few important lessons I learned firsthand from that time:
- this too shall pass
- thought creates reality

As much as I knew it before, I just wasn't doing it. Think negative and things become negative. I let myself get caught up in the whole mental stress rat race thing and it about tore me apart. Most of the stress seemed to revolve around money though. But when things just pile up and you already have a negative outlook.. it can be completely overwhelming. Devastating even. So I decided to just take off and leave it all behind.. maybe not the wisest choice.. but I have learned a lot from it.

I think the key is definitely being happy.. making your reality happy.. by doing things you enjoy.. that relax you. Worry is a lot of the time just useless worrying because you are just stressing yourself out. I also think it's human nature to at least *think* about suicide, at least once. Pondering an action and doing it are way different. I once heard someone say that we all think about ending it every once in a while.. and that thought could be a manifestation of 'killing' off a negative thought loop.. or shedding some skin from the ol' ego.

Basically I learned that things are only as bad as you perceive them to be. You can make a shitty situation a lot better just by remaining neutral or positive and objective.. and it goes both ways. So what do I try to do.. just make the best with what I have to work with at the time.. taking it a day at a time. Be at peace with the self and one can more easily be at peace with their environment and others. Try to eliminate the excessive worrying and instead, turn it into constructive consideration. What is in my power to make this situation better? But above all I think we have to love the self so we can love others.. and then manifesting reality is almost unconscious.. we just think it and create it.. effortlessly. Be :levitate:

Hope something in there helps :heart:


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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: MOTH]
    #4444578 -

EllemyshShade said:
I was assured by the manager at Petsmart that I would get the job there, but I haven't gotten a call back yet.  Which makes me really bummed since that job would have been perfect for me and I honestly would have enjoyed it.


Don't put all your eggs in one basket, many employers promise they'll get back in touch but don't.

Apply for as many jobs as possible. If you don't like the job you can always search for another, right?  :smile: And lets face it, being stuck at home all the time with no money is surely going to get you down.

Quote:
Oh yeah, and I'm out of weed. My brain hates it when I don't have THC to saturate it with.


Cut down on the pot and see if that helps. Many people find that it can lead to lethargy, anxiety and depression.

Last but not least (you knew it was coming  :wink:), exercising, meditating and finding new interests.

--------------------



--------------------
PROMOTE BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: MOTH]
    #4444586 -

I hear you, and I say take this as the best learning period available. The more it sucks, the better you'll feel later on the flip side.


--------------------
Through the excercise of patience, one may learn humility..

Smoke plenty of green, and eat fungus!!!!
:peace::heart::slomo::gd_icon::gd_icon::gd_icon::slomo:


Trip Report

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: MOTH]
    #4448308 -

EllemyshShade said:
Jumping off a bridge



Don't do it!!  :heart:

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #4448317 -

I wouldn't recommend jumping off of a bridge, but if you do decide to do it, I'll jump with you.  :grin: :thumbup:

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: MOTH]
    #4448357 -

If they don't call you, CALL THEM. Then they'll know your commited.


--------------------



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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4448369 -

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies.  It really helped just to get everything I was feeling out there and know that people were listening.  :heart:

I'm doing better.  I started to read 'Conversations with God,' and it's been helping to put things in perspective.  Great book, I'd recommend it to anyone.  :thumbup:

It's just the DOUBT that gets me everytime.  Mostly self-doubt.  It's so pesky and hard to eradicate.  But then that's the problem...I need to ACCEPT my doubt before I can let it go. 

So I'm in the process of that now.  :smile:

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: MOTH]
    #4448386 -

Who wrote that book?


--------------------



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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4448419 -

A guy named Neale Donald Walsch

I really admire his writing style.  :thumbup:

Or is it GODS writing style?  :shocked:

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: MOTH]
    #4448511 -

Conversations with God is a great book. It can really change the way you think about alot of things. I finished the first one a year ago and I think I might pick up the second one now that you reminded me of it. I actually have a work book/journal. that goes with the first one that helps you use the book more constructively in your day to day life. If your interested PM me your addy and I would be glad to ship it out to you np. Im not going to be using it anymore.


--------------------
-QuantumMeltdown

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.
  -Mark Twain

"The time has come the walrus said, little oysters  hide their heads, my Twain of thought is loosely bound I guess its time to Mark this down, Be good and you will be lonesome
Be lonesome and you will be free
Live a lie and you will live to regret it
That's what livin' is to me
That's what livin' is to me"
Jimmy Buffett

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Re: Jumping off a bridge [Re: QuantumMeltdown]
    #4448772 -

whenever i get that depressed i just thank god im healthy and alive.... cuz thats all that really matters.... and then i dont feel so bad...

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