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Some recent song lyrics
    #4160682 -

Here ya' go!

Feel free to tell me all about what you think of my writing, I'm dying to hear some feedback.



Your the sun on the sand
The wind bringing waves to my door
Your the love in my hand
the heart saving days
I adore
You

So they say rules are what make it a game
Who really wants to get real these days when a person can phase away from the plays which show us what's considered right from something wrong to discriminate against choice

Of what is real and whats truly keeping us from inciteting change
In my pocket is the last of concerns for the population I seem to represent, somehow.
We feel indifferent when It comes to adjusting the gage of our disposal.

We relish in relief.

We thrive when disposed

We are all a picture of those, who've fallen before us

We are real

We are one

I am nothing to become

We as me Love dice as they never bullshit,

these please as we always roll perfectly.

Nice

something between you and me displays a connection of faith

disconnection displays obvious gaps in love all of us experience

emptiness

wisdom strikes by choice

voices speak

I remain too weak to appreciate my situation of bliss

Can't something or someone clarify this?

Everything is perfect.

Yet I defect

I crave your love

I need help

I love you

wont you care for me?

Please care for me

Please love me

Please do something to stop the snubbing of life of love of bliss that has been granted to the being I call me.

Please love me.

Please disregard everything I have ever been to you

I move on

I'm beyond.


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Re: Some recent song lyrics [Re: emptywisdom]
    #4160724 -

observations:

43 = number of times you wrote "I, me, we us, you"
264= number of words in song

1/6th of the lyrical content consisted of "i, me , we, you, us"

just an observation.....take it or leave it, no harm meant

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Re: Some recent song lyrics [Re: SneezingPenis]
    #4160727 -

Nice observation. I guess that shows where my focus was. Thanks for pointing it out so obviousely. I post these things for helpfull comments. It's the only way I can improve.

I was quite schwill when I wrote this.

but the I and we and us was a intentionall theme in this piece. I know that is weak in most writting, but If you can observe it, That was a very intentional direction here. It's a repetitive pilling on of a point method I lifted from the smashing pumpkins. Mabey you would have to hear it in song context.

Listen to the pumpkins song "Muzzle" where he goes on, repetitvley, with the praze "and I knew" and apply that idea to this. I lifted this method directley from that song, while creating my own melody and cadence.

Again, thanks for the input. :laugh:

:heart:


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Re: Some recent song lyrics [Re: emptywisdom]
    #4160969 -

mushy... can be improved


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Heaveno...CU CU CU CU CU in the Highway...Peace

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Re: Some recent song lyrics [Re: emptywisdom]
    #4161245 -

I like the direction you've taken... This part could be refined, unless you have a specific musical piece you want to fit it to..
Quote:
I crave your love
I need help
I love you
wont you care for me?
Please care for me
Please love me


To me it's overly "needey".. of course, that's probably the effect you wanted to have. But it would be hard to fit it seamlessly into a song, I think.


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:heartpump: { { { ṧ◎ηḯ¢ αʟ¢ℌ℮мƴ } } } :heartpump:

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Re: Some recent song lyrics [Re: Adamist]
    #4161923 -

I totally agree, I think that part is total shit. I was drunk and feeling really bad and did'nt know how to finish it off so I through that down. Haven't changed it. I do have a specific piece to fit it to, but I leave that part out, hehe. It was just written down so I typed it. I have'nt yet tried to make a change.


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Re: Some recent song lyrics [Re: emptywisdom]
    #4162485 -

a) Why does it completely lose it's form halfway through? I have a hard time interpretting how it should flow without some kind of form going on.

b) It seems like you just wrote this out and hit post... it feels very "first draft." Was there any refinement done?

Quality writing doesn't isn't what "just comes out"... it's the process of figuring out which parts to keep and which parts to cut that makes a quality piece that feels complete.

They also say that the first draft of almost ANYTHING is guaranteed to be crap. If it weren't for the almost, I'd disagree... because sometimes you're so in touch with "the flow" that it just pours out of you in an almost-perfect way... but, the fact is, that's rare.

*shrug* Hope I don't offend you or anything, because you seem a decent fellow from our correspondences so far... just trying to be honest. :smile:

P.S. For what it's worth, I LOVE this part:

Your the sun on the sand
The wind bringing waves to my door
Your the love in my hand
the heart saving days
I adore
You

It's just such a shame you never returned to this unique form for a second rendition.

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Re: Some recent song lyrics [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4162582 -

it is a first draft. The song itself is one i've had a really hard time with, but i'm trying to do something different with it. Different in the sense of non traditional. I know it turns to crap twoards the end, so obviousley no offens taken. I starts out with some strumming, gentel strumming, and then when I get to the second I'm doing a sputtering kind of guitar line, and the third is almost schizophrenic, the pace slowley increases through these parts and gets more intense and more sporadic. Think audio spasms. It starts smooth and slowley starts to spudder and spasm, the mood slowley gets tense and more tense,but transition or progression is smooth. I'f I had a mic I would record it and post it so you could hear what I'm trying to describe, but unfortunatley I don't have one, and my musical vocabulary is weak at best. Anyway, once it hits a tipping point, where it's at the peak of intensity, I drop it and bust into chill fingerpicking, and the singing gets mellow and goes from near screaming to near talking as it goes from here it's really quiet and mellow and I slowley, with each line, build up the intensity of the singing and level off at a point and by now it's at the same level as it was when the song started. . The fingerpicking happens when the "we relish in relief" part starts. The lyrical style fits the song idea to a "T", but after "everything is perfect" I thought it needed something else, but I did'nt really know where to go with it, so I threw down, free form, the first thing that came out of my head, with out filtering anything out, and just decided that was what it would end with. I've had a really hard time getting this song just right and decided to post the lyrics for feedback. But yeah, I realize it ended in shit. I have not tried to change it yet, because the song itself was written in a certain moment and I have this hangup about changeing it in a different moment and mood. I just don't know how to change this thing and have it fit the mood of the rest of it, because i'm not in that spot anymore. Recently my mood has been swinging like crazy. Within the same day I'll go from heaven to hell and back again a couple times. This has been makeing it hard for me to write things that do not seem nuts.


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Re: Some recent song lyrics [Re: emptywisdom]
    #4162645 -

I understand... it needs to be heard to do it justice.

P.S. Paragraphs are your friend. :grin:

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Re: Some recent song lyrics [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4162723 -

no, I don't get along well with paragraphs.

Paragraphs are your friend. :grin:



btw. I'm in no way trying to imply that this song is anything good. Even if you hear it. The guitar is really neat, and different from what you usually hear. but the form is not exactley easily accesable. If anything it stands now as a failed experiment. But i'm not done with it yet.


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