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Memories When i look back at my life, all i can see are countless memories. I can pinpoint moments where my life changed forever. Life is full of surprises. Around every corner is a new beginning. Remember when we were little, everything was exciting, colourful and bold. There was something good around ever corner. We were innocent in our own ways. Then the day finally came when we shed our skins, grew up, then put it all behind us. Throwing it into the all consuming mouth of the past. A new person would then come forward and like the sun poking through the clouds on a cold winters morning, a new beginning.
I remember those pre-school days. Playing in the sand. Drawing pictures. Everything seemed great. Hurt and pain was never a long term thing. The world was usually a peaceful place. The innocence of children has always amazed me. To this day i strongly believe we all have it inside us still. This kind of thing never goes away. Its just shut out by the way people train us to think. To me those days were special. I would come home all excited and tell my mother about the day's events. If my mother were to see me with girls she would tease me about having girlfriends and at that age girls were disgusting. Sex didnt matter and we were all truly hermaphrodites. There were more important things, such as going to the beach and playing on the fine, soft sand. Or hugging your teddy bear. Life was simple back then.
Age finally takes its toll and we are pushed into the world, ready, or not.. Some make it, some fail. Society chooses our destiny for us. Primary school enabled us to evolve further. Instead of using paints, we used pencils. We learned to read, to write and to count. Members of the opposite sex become more interesting, or members of the same sex. Either will do. Things started to become a little more complicated. The world started to show its darker side. We were pushed into corners, ganged up on and emotionaly tied town and raped. Or maybe not. For me, I was always the odd one out. I never followed the crowd. I was unique, and that is why i had no friends. I never followed trends for very long, soon realising they were stupid and stunted individualism and creativity. Following trends too carefully is a surefire way of becoming a fake. Some of us were called "freaks" "losers" "lameos" "gays" and "homos". Our confidence was driven into the ground and we began to isolate ourselves and view the world as evil and sadistic. Our individuality was great, but it was now locked up inside. Only to be released if the conditions were right.
We begin to die the moment we are born. Transitions never stop until the moment we stop breathing. What or who we like today, we may hate tommorow. Nothing in this universe is perminant. Not even the universe itself. Everything is constantly changing. Moving forwards into the great unknown. Upon realising this we begin to see the beauty of life. Its variety and richness.
Highschool was the true test of endurance. Sex, drugs, love and hate. All combined to create a mish-mash of emotions. Ups, downs, lefts, rights. Some of us began to associate with a particular group. Drinking cheap alcohol, smoking ciggarettes without inhaling to look cool. How insane were those days eh?! The amount of bullshit we talked, trouble we got into, hearts we broke, love we felt. What did it all mean? Where was it all leading? The lessons we learnt along the way made us who we are now. Highschool was the time of politics. Questions like, "Do you like so and so?" Relationships started to become full time jobs! We constantly felt the need to feel loved. We needed attention and we needed someone else to show us who we really were, because we were lost in our own ocean of confusion. We laughed, we cried and overall had some of the best times. But when its time to say goodbye, it happens and you never look back at it all. Just look forward to the next stage of this great epic called your life. There will always be pleasure and pain. Love and hate. Fear and sadness. These things are a constant.
When its time to move on and grow up we know it. For me its when :
You realise that you are the cause of all your problems. You realise that you cant depend on anybody You can live with your own thoughts You can sit in a dark room in perfect silence
Now that i have left all the childish politics behind me, i look back, not in a negitive way. I had to go through this, we all do. Now i see the way i was spoilt as a child. Always given the biggest and the best. Not having time to appriciate anything. This turned me into a psychotic madman for a period of time. Now i have moved on and learnt not to be dependant on anything or anyone for money. This is true freedom.
I would like to end in saying that life will always have its ups and downs, ins and outs. But one thing is certain, change is always happening. It happens so fast that sometimes we dont notice it. However we have been brought up to think that change is a bad thing and should be avoided at all times. Conflict arrises when we try and resist change. But change is a natural process. Nomatter how hard you try, you cannot stop it.. The only way you can avoid mental anguish is to dive into it.. and most importantly dance with it. Then and only then will you mature and move on. Memories will never cease to exist.
thats quite a post. i too think of my past often. i often wish i could change things about. and most of all i wish i didnt have to grow up. i'm already behind i just dont want it to happen. it makes me kinda sad in ways but it has to happen to everyone. unless they lurn to fly like peter pan and go to neverland (peter pan was my favorite movie as a young boy)
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