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Offlinepeeko
poop
Registered: 03/06/03
Posts: 71
Last seen: 12 years, 1 month
ugh what's that I smell? I think it's my ego dying....
    #2855385 - 07/04/04 03:32 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

For about the past 8 months I have been feeling like something is missing from my life, and I've becoming increasingly aware of it as of late. I don't feel like I can express myself or my creativity the way I used to. Something just seems like it's missing, and I want it the fuck back.
Writing, literature, art, and music have been lifelong passions of mine. But now, I'll sit down to write something, and nothing comes to mind. I don't know what to write about anymore. I don't know what to draw anymore. I don't know what to paint anymore. I don't hear music in my head anymore.
When I was a kid I would read voraciously during the summer. Nonstop. I would spend every waking hour reading any book I could get my hands on. But now, worst of all, I find it extremely hard for me to pick up a book. I can't seem to get lost in literature anymore.
I've been trying to eat healthier and exercise more and practice my guitar and music and writing and art more, for myself, but I think my main motivation for this is a girl I have a crush on. However I kind of gave up on the eating healthy and now I just eat sparingly, because I don't really have much of an appetite anymore and oriental flavored ramen gets old after a while.
There are things I want to do but I just can't seem to do them. I need to clean this goddamn house. I need to go out and find a job. I need to be my own person away from my mother, but I don't want to leave her in this house all by herself because I'm afraid she will kill herself, or just be sad and lonely all the time. By leave I mean not only move out of the house (I live in Ohio and will be starting college in New York soon), but even leave to go to the movies by myself or go out to eat by myself (I hate all of the 'friends' that I have... I've tried telling them how I feel and they tell me to get over it, or try to dance around actually talking about it by changing the subject or something....) I need to fix myself. I've hopped around to many different psychologists all throughout my life and therapy just doesn't seem to work. Some of them said I have depression and BPD (borderline personality disorder), same as what my mom has (everyone else is depressed or an alcoholic, literally).I don't want to be on pills. I just want to be better.
I have learned to kind of suppress my BPD and try to control it, but depression I can't seem to do much about and I've had it for several+ years, and so I've just kind of learned to live with it and somehow managed to get out of bed every day without shoving a steak knife through every part of my body. I am just really frustrated with this "writer's block," this "mental cramp" as some say, but I think it's more than that. But I don't know what it is. And I just want to fucking fix it, before it keeps growing like a cancer and consuming my whole body. It feels like I am in a pit, trying to crawl out, but a hunter has clapped a board over the top and is taunting me from above. And I hate it. I don't feel like I can get out of that pit.... I know I have potential, but it feels like something is holding me back because something is missing, something that I used to have is missing. I just kind of feel sad and lonely and empty, and I don't really feel close to anyone anymore. When I tell my mom I love her I don't really mean it. I mean, I guess I do, but only because that's what you're supposed to do. I don't want her to be lonely but I don't actually feel that love, and I'm not quite sure I ever did, not only with her but with anyone, including my sister and especially not with my estranged father.

ugh ugh ugh someone just please fix me.

p.s. excuse the angst, it's late and I am frustrated.


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Invisible40oz
 User Gallery

Registered: 01/19/01
Posts: 30,035
Loc: Sandy Eggo. Ca.
Re: ugh what's that I smell? I think it's my ego dying.... [Re: peeko]
    #2855417 - 07/04/04 03:53 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

maybe you & mushrooms need a date with enlightenment.
how old are you?


--------------------
:pacman: - - - -  :pill: :mushroom2: :pill2: :mushroom2: :regularshroom: :mushroomgrow: :pill: :pill2: :mushroom2: :poison:

:sun::heart::sun:

tiny_rabid_birds said:
"your avatar is dirty."


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OfflineBarbi
Plastic Person

Registered: 04/22/02
Posts: 12,976
Last seen: 12 years, 1 month
Re: ugh what's that I smell? I think it's my ego dying.... [Re: peeko]
    #2855851 - 07/04/04 10:38 AM (12 years, 4 months ago)

you need a COMPLETE and UTTER life alering lifestryle change


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OfflineCeeEssGee
Canadian-American

Registered: 09/29/02
Posts: 1,894
Loc: Toronto, Ontario
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: ugh what's that I smell? I think it's my ego dying.... [Re: peeko]
    #2855873 - 07/04/04 10:50 AM (12 years, 4 months ago)


Quote:

However I kind of gave up on the eating healthy and now I just eat sparingly, because I don't really have much of an appetite anymore and oriental flavored ramen gets old after a while.




Don't ignore this. This is very serious.

Clicky

Quote:

kind of learned to live with it and somehow managed to get out of bed every day without shoving a steak knife through every part of my body.




I know the feeling.


--------------------
Why, sirrah, why may a caudled fillhorse be deemed the brother to a hiren candle in the night? Withal, because a candle may be greased, yet a fillhorse be without a fat argier!


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OfflineUncleMike
Visionary
Male

Registered: 05/18/03
Posts: 964
Loc: S.W. Virginia
Last seen: 8 years, 12 days
Re: ugh what's that I smell? I think it's my ego dying.... [Re: peeko]
    #2862828 - 07/06/04 10:43 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

I wish I could help but I am going through the same thing myself.


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Offlineovergrow
persistant one

Registered: 06/28/03
Posts: 80
Loc: S.Louisiana
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Re: ugh what's that I smell? I think it's my ego dying.... [Re: UncleMike]
    #2863171 - 07/06/04 11:56 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

UncleMike said:
I wish I could help but I am going through the same thing myself.




same..  :frown:


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OfflineClownHerdR
In a mirrorlooking out

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 7
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
Re: ugh what's that I smell? I think it's my ego dying.... [Re: overgrow]
    #2870921 - 07/09/04 12:53 AM (12 years, 4 months ago)

I was in the same boat until about 4 months ago.

On the Expressing Creativity Part -
I think everyone is going through this that wants to be somewhat different from everyone else..express individuality in a sense ..


Individuality is become ever more threatened tho..

A Revolution is soon to come

Maye if everyone just shut themselves out completely from the outside worlds unfluence, the small things will start to become more significant. Ive battled extreme depression in the past .. and eventually i just kind of fixed myself subconsciously, like mentioned above, i just started to enjoy the little things again.

Ive went through suicidal situations and dealt with them and well..
The little things are what you live for..Collectively,the little things lead onto the the big things that change your life for the better and even worse. Without them life is mundane, and there really isn't a point it seems to that individual to get out of bed in the morning and go to work or school or whatever they may do in a days time.

Life is everchanging, I just take it everday as it comes.


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