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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: unfortunategent] * 4
    #26045496 -

Thank you all for your input.  Rather than quote each and every one of you, I will try to respond to what you guys have said as a whole.

First an update:  My wife being angry, and me, feeling no guilt over the situation, did not talk for two days.  This sort of jealousy thing has happened before and she just shuts down when we try to hash it out.  She does not know how to handle conflict and talking would not have solved anything.  I also admit that I am quite hardened and emotionless when communicating and probably would have made things worse.  However, this morning she woke up and acted like nothing happened.  To preserve the peace in my household, I just followed suit and am acting like nothing happened.  I know this is not healthy for the future of our relationship, but it's the best I can do for now.

So a few of you are questioning the dynamics of our relationship, relating to who holds the most power.  To be completely honest, the answer is that I am, not only the most dominant one, but also the one who cultivates and holds together our partnership.  This is not because I want to be in charge or control, in fact, I choose to be submissive in most areas of life, but the role fell to me.  My wife is very emotionally and mentally immature and needs someone to lead.  If asked, she would admit to this.  Before we were married, she still lived with her parents.  She was the youngest one in her family (her sisters are over 25 years older than her) and because her mom was so old when she had her, she was basically spoiled and not trained for life properly.  When we got married, I unknowingly took over the role of caretaker as well as husband.  So our relationship is definitely not on even ground.  This is why I allow her to get away with so much - because I'm trying to give her time to mature. 

I'm very patient with her, so I don't usually get mad at her....even when she gets mad at me.  However, what frustrates me is when she questions my honesty and morals.  It makes me feel like all that I do for her goes unnoticed and she is underestimating my love.  I admit, I am not a really affectionate, lovey-dovey person.  I don't hug and kiss and say "I love you" all the time.  I know that many women crave this, so I try to oblige, but it's just not the way I actually express my love.  Sometimes I feel like, if didn't take care of her like I do on this deeper more important level, but instead just filled up the air with "I love you's", hugs, kisses, and flowers, she would be happier.  But that is just too superficial feeling to ever be me. 

I do understand that I need to find a way to express my love in a way she appreciates, though, which is why I think a few of you are getting very close to one of the roots of her distrust by suggesting that I try to make our relationship less boring.  I very much agree.  She may not just be jealous over the fact that it's another woman, but that I am finding interest in things with people other than her.  I can see that.

Thanks again for your replies.  Typing this out has helped me think through some things that I may not have otherwise.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Jewstress]
    #26045499 -

Figured I'd bump this by replying to you, since my second post was a reply to the OP.  :sun:

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: unfortunategent] * 1
    #26049730 -

unfortunategent said:
However, now my wife is mad at me and is making sure I’m aware.  I thought I did the right thing by asking her permission and not arguing or getting angry when she said no, but in her mind, I shouldn’t have even had the audacity to think about it in the first place.  To me, this seems like insecurity on her part and something she needs to work on, but I’m open to the idea that I made a mistake. 

So I guess my question is, was I wrong in entertaining the thought of hanging out with an old friend of the opposite gender, being a married man? 



So relatable. I don't know if that's a girl thing or just an unstable girl thing. It has certainly been my experience, though. Drawing from my own experience, it's probably her own mental state. I've had this conversation maybe 200 times in the past couple months. By asking, you communicated: A. You are putting this out in the open and have no intentions of doing anything shady. B. She's your main concern and you put her feelings before anyone else's. If she's feeling bad about herself, she'll be threatened by the fact that any other women will make time to see you.

Quote:
Our marriage is pretty boring, but it is comfortable


I also missed that the first read. That is a major sign of what's going on, I think. My fiancee's major source of insecurity is that I'm very empathetic and "let's save the world, start a charity, make people better!" She's can be extremely callous and almost cruel to people outside of her inner circle. It makes her feel like she's not what I want. The girl that REALLY sets off her insecurity is super positive and will go hungry if it means feeding others. I think, especially if you're expressing a desire to do more things together or be more adventurous, that could be the root of all of this.


--------------------

Take a look at my journal

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Darwin23]
    #26050361 -

Getting married to someone is so absurd, let alone someone who is not on your level. Why does anyone do it???? Why hasn't anyone explained this to me yet? Why MARRY a fucking person, ever. ?

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: unfortunategent]
    #26051462 -

I think it depends on the history of the friend involved, how you've talked about them, and whether or not the couple has discussed their views and boundaries in regard to what a date is.

If you thought your wife was going on a date with another man, I doubt you'd react too differently to how she did, many wouldn't.

Like having a coffee in a public place seems like catching up, having dinner and drinks after dark seems like a date. There are nuances and it sounds like you'll come across this issue again if things aren't hashed out. Which it doesn't sound like is happening.

My 2c


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I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.


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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26052459 -

Anonymous #2 said:
Getting married to someone is so absurd, let alone someone who is not on your level. Why does anyone do it???? Why hasn't anyone explained this to me yet? Why MARRY a fucking person, ever. ?


I see nobody has been able to answer this. I belive people are perplexed when faced with this question. It's even more fucked to ponder than the meaning of life.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26052488 -

Having tried it, I can absolutely see why people do it.

I can't say I would ever do it again; signing my relationship into the law/legal documents seems retarded to me at this point (given that I despise the law); but I can also totally understand why people get swept up in the desire to do so.

As the old saying goes 'don't knock it till you tried it'.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26052563 -

Anonymous #2 said:
Anonymous #2 said:
Getting married to someone is so absurd, let alone someone who is not on your level. Why does anyone do it???? Why hasn't anyone explained this to me yet? Why MARRY a fucking person, ever. ?


I see nobody has been able to answer this. I belive people are perplexed when faced with this question. It's even more fucked to ponder than the meaning of life.


You got skipped over bud. Just because you have a piss poor perspective doesn't mean other people do.

I've been married 5 years now and my wife is trying to set me up with an Asian girl after jokingly saying man that's my one being single regret. After she said i hate when guys are obsessed with Asians. I took a little offence you can't know what is hot to another person just like I don't understand some of the dudes she thinks are hot like that dweeb looking guy from Muse.

Most people are too insecure for marriage. Which means they also find someone insecure and have a horrible time and then get a shit perspective on the whole thing and their life turns into a Phil Collins song. 


--------------------
Everything you need in one spot.

My Q&A thread. Ask me questions here rather than in Private Message
Bod's chat thread

5g a day keeps the 5g away

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: bodhisatta] * 1
    #26052635 -

I'm fine with the idea of committment I just think marriage itself doesn't make sense. The gesture has nothing to do with the government yet you need to put your signature down to validate your feelings for someone. I'd rather just sit down by the river with her on a fistful of mushrooms and just tell her I want to be with her and only her, give her a ring and let that be that. That's raw shit, by comparison a simple proposal is like a blowjob with no nut. That seems way more meaningful, to me, than standing before a religion that isn't mine or before a government who has no business in my life aside from taxes and infrastructure. Then you get the folks going into debt just to have a glorified fancy party where they are the center of attention, or they have a big expensive "pre-party" where everyone ends up paying for the other one. I guess I just don't like how it's done :shrug: not to mention historically marriage had a lot of incredibly sexist paradigms like the connection between personal validation and the historical need for literal worth because particularly in Christian/Catholic societies the women weren't as privileged as men. There literally used to be shotgun weddings, all those arranged marriages and people auctioning their daughters and wives off like cattle. If you can't make committment then there's probably something wrong with you but being adverse to modern Western marriage practices actually kinda makes sense.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26052706 -

I hate the fact that they put so much value on a ring. I heard of a chicken not liking the ring she was offered. That is such bullshit. If I spent so much time with a woman and she wanted to marry and then also asked for a ring that is expensive enough for her standards, that would be the deal breaker.

Plus bodishatta, 5 years married, try 15 years married and then you can speak.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #26052870 -

Jokeshopbeard said:
Having tried it, I can absolutely see why people do it.

I can't say I would ever do it again; signing my relationship into the law/legal documents seems retarded to me at this point (given that I despise the law); but I can also totally understand why people get swept up in the desire to do so.

As the old saying goes 'don't knock it till you tried it'.



Accurate. Except I wasn’t legally married. Just really tried to get to that point with someone.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Jewstress]
    #26053202 -

When one is 'going with the flow', it seems like a very natural point to reach, IMO.

I forgo going into the reasons I believe this to be the case, but I feel there are many.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26053607 -

Anonymous #2 said:
I hate the fact that they put so much value on a ring. I heard of a chicken not liking the ring she was offered. That is such bullshit.


Of course she didnt like it. Chickens don't have fingers.



Plus bodishatta, 5 years married, try 15 years married and then you can speak.


Have you been married at all, let alone for 15 years?


--------------------
"You are a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust. What do you have to be scared of?"

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Patchouli_Savage]
    #26053679 -

If so unhappily married. That's his fault tho...


--------------------
Everything you need in one spot.

My Q&A thread. Ask me questions here rather than in Private Message
Bod's chat thread

5g a day keeps the 5g away

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