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My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me
    #26042994 -

We’ve been married over 6 years now.  I’m 33 and she is 28.  Our marriage is pretty boring, but it is comfortable and we have both been faithful to each other out of mutual respect and a high regard for honesty.  Despite this, certain occasions illustrate that, when it comes down to it, she still doesn’t fully trust me. 

Yesterday, a friend from high school, who happens to be female, asked me to meet at Waffle House,  after she got off work, to catch up.  In high school, our relationship was platonic and never went further than that.  We haven’t seen each other since then, but reconnected through mutual friends on Instagram.  She understands I’m married now and, as far as I know, doesn’t have ulterior motives.  Anyway, I told her I would meet as long as my wife was comfortable with it.  My wife said “no”,  in fact, she was not comfortable with it because she thought it sounded like a date.  I assured her that that was far from the truth, but in the interest of avoiding a problem, I let it go and told my friend I could not go.  So that was that.  Though I was a little disappointed, it really wasn’t a big deal to me.  I had the rest of my Saturday evening to enjoy and don’t even like Waffle House anyway. 

However, now my wife is mad at me and is making sure I’m aware.  I thought I did the right thing by asking her permission and not arguing or getting angry when she said no, but in her mind, I shouldn’t have even had the audacity to think about it in the first place.  To me, this seems like insecurity on her part and something she needs to work on, but I’m open to the idea that I made a mistake. 

So I guess my question is, was I wrong in entertaining the thought of hanging out with an old friend of the opposite gender, being a married man? 

I’d really like the input of another married person or a woman, but all perspectives are welcome.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: unfortunategent]
    #26043050 -

Hmm I guess it sounds like you guys need to communicate on what exactly your boundaries are... boundaries I have with my fiance is that we don't meet up one on one with someone of the opposite gender, and that works for us where we are at the moment in terms of our relationship.
It sounds like perhaps you guys could talk about where exactly you'd like the boundaries to be, and why... so at the moment it doesn't sound like either of you are in the wrong, you just need to talk about it. Hope this is helpful...


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the world is abundant

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: unfortunategent]
    #26043095 -

Take her out somewhere. That will shut her up. Maybe. I'm not saying it's the whole picture but for all I know you guys don't often get out much and that's just another thing to be jealous of. Or meet up with this girl with your wife. Perhaps a little curious she's not invited? It's probably such a laundry list of things she's over thinking that any semblance of attractiveness is just making it worse. I would not be surprised to hear she's looked this girl up right down to her relationship status. I also just cannot imagine you bringing this girl up often, or maybe you do. But probably not. If you're such good friends then why hasn't she met her before? Right?

You said it yourself. Your relationship is boring. Do some shit with the wife and she won't connect that boringness to a losing of interest. 6 years is an awkward phase, something long term relationships go through. At something like 6 years the smoke and mirrors have dropped, the cock fuelled dopamine rush begins to wane. A relationship doesn't just take work you have to evolve with it for it to work. If that means taking your wife out a little more often, then do that

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26043109 -

If you two have a boring relationship she may feel threatened you’re moving on


I’m not sure it is so much about trust as jealousy seeing as you’re being open and honest.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Jewstress]
    #26044041 -

Woman living in sin here. I think it's over the line fpr her to be so jealous and controlling, but agree with others who say to do more with your wife if your relationship is boring. My boyfriend would not tell me not to hang out with male friends alone, and I would not tell him not to spend time with his female friends.


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"You are a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust. What do you have to be scared of?"

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: unfortunategent] * 3
    #26044074 -

The problem is you've already let it get to this stage by conceding to her wishes even when you know you're not doing anything wrong. I imagine you've done this numerous times before, putting her in a position where she feels OK to make a fuss about it. Kinda dug your own grave, you know? You've given her too much power, and now she's abusing it, and it's gonna be haaaaard fucking work adjusting back to what's right here because it's probably been going on for a while.

I can't understand why so many men do this. I'd die before anyone tells me who I can and can't see, or, in the example I see so often, how I spend my money.

When you give your power away to someone, they'll eventually start losing respect for you.

Madness I tell you, madness.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: unfortunategent] * 2
    #26044440 -

I don’t think it’s that serious that you wanted to see your friend, and any time I’ve had a significant other who was nervous about me seeing someone I’ve either allowed them to come along or made sure there was open communication within reason while I was out to alleviate their anxiety.  I’ve had my fair share of jealous, insecure, crazy partners and likely every combination of the three and I know it’s not the easiest to be tactful.  I wouldn’t go full macho and be like “my life, I’m in charge, your feelings are invalid silly woman, bitch I do as I please”.

Maybe next time you’ll tell her you want to see your friend/are going to see them, what the plans are and maybe give her the option to third wheel/have said friend bring date too.  You were trying to be respectful but if she doesn’t know or trust the woman then it’s more about a mysterious woman entering your life than you asking being the problem.    It was nice you recognized it was something that would make your wife uncomfortable and tried to navigate it with her in mind respectfully. 

The friction will pass.  You are a human who is allowed to have a life beyond just your life partner and I’m sure on some level she’ll be able to understand that.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Pecheur] * 2
    #26044507 -

When you make these appointments with female friends, just invite your wife along. Problem solved.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Me_Roy]
    #26044581 -

Me_Roy said:
When you make these appointments with female friends, just invite your wife along. Problem solved.



Nope. Not gonna work. As a woman. I know

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #26044583 -

Jokeshopbeard said:
The problem is you've already let it get to this stage by conceding to her wishes even when you know you're not doing anything wrong. I imagine you've done this numerous times before, putting her in a position where she feels OK to make a fuss about it. Kinda dug your own grave, you know? You've given her too much power, and now she's abusing it, and it's gonna be haaaaard fucking work adjusting back to what's right here because it's probably been going on for a while.

I can't understand why so many men do this. I'd die before anyone tells me who I can and can't see, or, in the example I see so often, how I spend my money.

When you give your power away to someone, they'll eventually start losing respect for you.

Madness I tell you, madness.



Quote for truth

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Jewstress] * 2
    #26044628 -

I don’t know.  I’m not really sure just owning a vagina entitles you to speaking for the entire gender- just throwing it out there.  I mean there are women who likely disagree with your vehemence against going along.  Like me, some women wouldn’t have cared if he went in the first place.

And also the vast majority of any gender who handles relationship hurdles by casting aside one partners distress/feelings/intrepedation is how you create larger communication problems and rifts.  Being the boss is nice but the best bosses listen to their team for the success of the entire mission, you can be the boss and have respect without treating your partner like a budding dictator. 

You work against the problem not the partner?

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Pecheur]
    #26044671 -

Pecheur said:
And also the vast majority of any gender who handles relationship hurdles by casting aside one partners distress/feelings/intrepedation is how you create larger communication problems and rifts.


I don't think anyone here is suggesting anything of the sort. I'm certainly not suggesting anyone be an insensitive asshole, far from it. I'm am suggesting being sensitive to ones own needs however, and not letting anyone else trample over them. Communication problems clearly already exist at this stage anyway.

Why let some one else's insecurities dictate your life? Why let someone control your actions when you're doing nothing wrong? Why allow it to get to the stage OP has let it get to?

If the person you're with doesn't trust you 100%, and you they, then the thing is fucking broken, and needs either fixing or dropping.

IMHO. Hard work either way.

Step 1: Remove balls from purse.
Step 2: ???????
Step 3: Profit.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Pecheur] * 1
    #26044673 -

Pecheur said:
I don’t know.  I’m not really sure just owning a vagina entitles you to speaking for the entire gender- just throwing it out there.  I mean there are women who likely disagree with your vehemence against going along.  Like me, some women wouldn’t have cared if he went in the first place.

And also the vast majority of any gender who handles relationship hurdles by casting aside one partners distress/feelings/intrepedation is how you create larger communication problems and rifts.  Being the boss is nice but the best bosses listen to their team for the success of the entire mission, you can be the boss and have respect without treating your partner like a budding dictator. 

You work against the problem not the partner?



But the post isn’t about you; it’s about his wife.

Who obviously does care.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Jewstress]
    #26044683 -

I personally don’t care if my s/o goes out with another female.


Shit, if they even get intimate IDC I just leave.


Some women who are married have a certain expectation that is extremely old school that once married the other gender is completely a no.

It’s how my grandparents were and many in their time, they wouldn’t even be alone in. Room at church with the opposite gender.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Jewstress] * 2
    #26044710 -

I think you’ve inferred that OP has his balls im a purse for trying to respect his marriage-it did leave her room to say no, and he could have handled it differently for a different outcome perhaps- but  you’ve made the assumption that his entire marriage is him being submissive to his wife’s whims.    And again the problem is likely her insecurity not a top bitch complex.    If we put you in this scenario it would like be a cast away type situation because you’ve placed all of your needs above the effort to communicate to solve a problem?  You see power play where you could see an opportunity to work on a weak spot that could bring about a stronger relationship.  Again my point is we don’t know his wife, and I see a lot of assumptions with a lot of negativity and poor practice and generalizations.

Also that’s exactly my point Jewstress- she’s not you or me- which is why I was pointing out that simply “as a woman” you don’t know what would and would not work for OPs wife because we all tend to be very different. 

Just like OP and Jokes are very different actually.

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Pecheur]
    #26044748 -

Not being a woman myself, I must respect the fact that I don't know entirely where she is coming from. Based on experience, it is likely insecurity, but it could as much be a power thing, or a respect thing, or any number of other possible permutations.

What I do know however is men. I know men very, very well. And it is FAR from uncommon for men to give their power over to women. Of the dozens upon dozens of male friends I have, I know only one other that is staunch in his refusal to do so. It happens in varying degrees of course, but from the way OP has approached the situation, I think it is a fair assumption that he has let her have her own way too frequently.

I mean, do you really think it reasonable that she is now 'mad and making him aware' JUST for asking her permission?

Are you really going to try and defend that shit??

It's not on, end of story.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: unfortunategent] * 1
    #26044807 -

Think a lot of this is cultural. There's so many articles and bullshit psychoanalysis out there witu headlines like "5 signs he's seeing someone else" and "10 ways to know he's cheating on you.

It goes both ways. Half of woman problems on the shroomery get "advice" along the vein of "she's cheating on you bro."


we're a distrustful society that has fueled a culture of control. Most guys your age don't see female friends alone, because of this paranoia. And because you are an outlier now it only fuels that paranoia.. It's almost inconsiderable now. That distrust has become the norm. That's why your wife has made up reasons to be hurt and angry about it. Other guys don't do it. (But if I haven't made it clear enough I don't think this is a good thing.


Only thing you can do is try to help her get to the root of her distrust and help her reason it out.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #26044812 -

:ooo:

Edited by Thermal Visions (06/11/19 10:38 AM)

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Pecheur]
    #26044824 -

1. Think you originally replied to the wrong person

2. Please don't continue the senseless conflict guys. Everyone is welcome to offer their opinions and people are welcome to dispute it but arguments are a general nogo here. You've both said your piece and you are both fine. It's all good, I just really don't want to see it escalate.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:

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Re: My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #26045356 -

Jokeshopbeard said:
The problem is you've already let it get to this stage by conceding to her wishes even when you know you're not doing anything wrong. I imagine you've done this numerous times before, putting her in a position where she feels OK to make a fuss about it. Kinda dug your own grave, you know? You've given her too much power, and now she's abusing it, and it's gonna be haaaaard fucking work adjusting back to what's right here because it's probably been going on for a while.

I can't understand why so many men do this. I'd die before anyone tells me who I can and can't see, or, in the example I see so often, how I spend my money.

When you give your power away to someone, they'll eventually start losing respect for you.

Madness I tell you, madness.


Truuuuuuth
Yea shit I've been married 5 years and we still have our own bank accounts for fucks sake lol. None of each other's business


--------------------
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My Q&A thread. Ask me questions here rather than in Private Message
Bod's chat thread

5g a day keeps the 5g away

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