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Im about to just walk away from my life.
    #25902581 -

Ive built this whole persona. Clean cut. Straight and narrow. Focused. I quit drugs. Got myelf in college.  Again. And now. Im near the end of my second semester back in school and i think its fucking pointless just as i did when i dropped out before. Im not motivated at all. I flirt with daysreams about taking what money i have saved and just leaving for arizona and making a life as i go. I know this is probably a horrible idea but part of me wonders if it could be that easy. If maybe thats what im supposed to do and thats why i feel this way. Idk. I am so torn. Im tearinh myself apart. People look at me and my life and they try to blame adhd and they try to say its the drugs but im not on drugs this time. Im on the fuckin adderall. I quit it the last few weeks and these thoughts did get stronger so maybe it is adhd. But i doubt it. I think im just right about all this shit not being for me. A lot of the arbritrary shit i have to do for school, i could easily do it if i saw a reward for doing so on the horizon. But i dont. Its just shit. Shit they want done so they can say make their credits look like they are worth something. Im not too dumb to do the work. Im too fuckin aware that the shit isnt doing anything for me and i dont like wasting my time. Even though this is part of “playing the game” and just getting the credits to get a career.

Im fuckin stressed. Im lost. The freedom of just saying fuck it and throwing myself into the wind is so enticing but i also know im here right now where im at because that wind became overwhelming the last time i jumped into it.  The last time i got overwhelmed by being so bored of shit like college i ended up doing drugs for a decade. Maybe i should just ride out this misery for a few more years

Either way it goes. I think a trip is in order for me.

I need a fire under my ass. Spiritual fuel to help me see the light and smell the roses.

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: NOUS333] * 3
    #25902588 -

Quitters never win..

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: Crazy_Horse]
    #25902596 -

Get what you want down to two choices and then flip a coin.  If it falls on the good side you'll go with it.  If it falls on the wrong side you want to do a 2 out of 3.  Then you'll know the real answer.


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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: Crazy_Horse]
    #25902599 -

Sounds like it could be adhd to me. It can be dehabilitating. In my case, I came down with a neurological disorder and  now my adhd is on steroids. Good luck and don't stop searching for answers.

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: Patlal] * 1
    #25902611 -

What are you doing to school for? Degree? How much money are you investing?

I was in a similar position to you at some point in my life and I stuck it out, got a job and thought that was gonna fix everything. In some ways it did, it was my 3rd attempt at college and the first time I ever finished anything so expansive and time consuming in my life. It felt great.

However, the job market sucks, working for other people sucks, school loan debt sucks and after all the effort I feel trapped in my career. (I like my job, but money talks).

I don’t necessarily think college is the answer for everyone, it does sound like setting a goal and working towards a solid accomplishment would benefit you... even if that means rolling out to Arizona and starting some kind of alternative “free” life style.. just don’t wander aimlessly. Making a list and checking off boxes feels good at the end of the day.  Then move on to weeks months and years... and probably stick with the adderall.


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Life ——>🍄🤯🍄😢🍄😆🍄😀🍄💀🤙🏼——->Death

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: Anoobus] * 2
    #25902612 -

trip, then re-evaluate. :heart:


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My Wish & Trade list

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: Anoobus]
    #25902618 -

Push through it,get a degree then teach English to South Korean s or tawaiinese


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"the way of the warrior is the resolute acceptance of death"

Miyamoto Musashi

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: lillFish] * 1
    #25902620 -

Good advice. Listen to the Voice of the Shroom :mushroom2:

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: Crazy_Horse] * 4
    #25902633 -

I'm guessing we're not talking a major university here, right? If so, I'm gonna say something that is absolutely fucking heresy in the modern world: degrees from plain old colleges in non-STEM fields are worthless and will leave you in debt for the rest of your life. In the olden days a college degree had an intrinsic value but not everybody went to college. Kids who were interested in something else - cars, building, cooking, whatever - went to trade school or right out into the workforce. Since then we've been told that a degree is the price of admission to the new economy of the future. Bullshit. The price of admission is being good at something and following that. You get out of a 4-year school with $50-100K of student loans and no job and the first payment is due on Tuesday how fucking rewarding does that feel?

If you want to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher or engineer then stay in school. If you're studying history or political science just for the paper then run away quickly and find out what the fuck you like to do and if you're any good at it.

More heresy: the money's the easy part. Anything - anything - you can think of somebody's become a zillionaire doing that. Just start trying stuff (don't pick truck driver, the robots will be taking over that too soon) and do it. If you don't like it, try something else. If you decide you want to go back to school then just re-enroll. You're going to live to be 90 or 100 (if you don't fuck yourself up) you'll have time for a few lives in there. I'm on #4 or #5 myself).

The only wrong decision is not to make any. Life doesn't just happen you sometimes have to get up and do something. And it counts nothing what something is.


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How can you be in two places at once, when you're not anywhere at all?

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: FrancoAmerican] * 1
    #25902655 -

FrancoAmerican said:
What are you doing to school for? Degree? How much money are you investing?

I was in a similar position to you at some point in my life and I stuck it out, got a job and thought that was gonna fix everything. In some ways it did, it was my 3rd attempt at college and the first time I ever finished anything so expansive and time consuming in my life. It felt great.

However, the job market sucks, working for other people sucks, school loan debt sucks and after all the effort I feel trapped in my career. (I like my job, but money talks).

I don’t necessarily think college is the answer for everyone, it does sound like setting a goal and working towards a solid accomplishment would benefit you... even if that means rolling out to Arizona and starting some kind of alternative “free” life style.. just don’t wander aimlessly. Making a list and checking off boxes feels good at the end of the day.  Then move on to weeks months and years... and probably stick with the adderall.


First of all. Let me just say adderall worked great for the better half of a year but lately I can’t stand it. I don’t know if my dopamine receptors are just burnt out or what but if I have a bad day and I have taken adderall, my thoughts are so negative I end up making everything worse for myself. I get so fuckin down on myself. Another thing, if I am around someone and I have a small subconscious thought about them and I’m on adderall..I will repeat and magnify that subconscious thought until I can’t think about anything else. It is really fucking me up. When I didn’t take it the last two weeks I have felt so much more like myself. Although I’m getting upset about not staying on top of shit as much but being happy is so much more important.  But I guess I can’t be happy if I’m not on top of shit!!!!!!!!

Aghhh!!!!

But I’m not even sure what I’m in school for. I’m not interested in my current major, thinking of going back into psychology but also wanting to take this next semester off.

I’m getting financial aid so I’m probably spending like 2k a semester tops. I don’t even think I’ve been spending that much I just don’t know off top. 

I just kinda had a realization last year that life works for you as you work. Like. Living by ideals and ideas of how other ppl have done shit is fucking stupid. Life. Reality. Is like a fuckin mesh that moves in accordance to how you move. If you walk into the mesh with a fire inside you, it only seems probable you will blaze a trail someway some how.  If you walk parallel to the mesh doing what everyone else has done cause you are being safe and don’t wanna be a quitter or whatever and you wanna be some type of way for the world with no real purpose of your own no fire in you. Then what the fuck is reality going to give you? Exactly what your giving it i imagine.  Part of me just wants to take a huge risk. I’ve failed hard before. Why not one more time. But then again. Why be stupid when I’m 3 years from being 30. I feel like life is ready to give me whatever I ask it for but I’m sitting on the sideline afraid of committing and staying in the game. I mean. If I had to come up with a metaphor for where I’m at spiritually that would be it. 

I need an apiphany. Something that sets my intention in a way I will defend it with my life. Something that puts me on a path I’d rather die than stray from.

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: Anoobus] * 1
    #25902880 -

Anything worthwhile is going to make you feel like quitting many many times. It's going to suck. Get used to it. It's going to make you feel like "this isn't for me" "why am I here". It's going to pay off if you keep at it and don't give up. Even if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel you have to keep going. Where has quitting gotten you so far? You want to keep quitting or are you done quitting?

Anoobus said:
Sounds like it could be adhd to me. It can be dehabilitating. In my case, I came down with a neurological disorder and  now my adhd is on steroids. Good luck and don't stop searching for answers.


I don't think this is good advice. You can't just blame your failures on adhd. The fact is most people have disadvantages in one way or another but it's up to you whether you are going to let it stop you or not. You don't need the Adderall. Just keep going one class at a time, one test at a time. Every day you go you should feel like a badass for not giving up. That's your motivation. Becoming a badass that didn't give up.


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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: searching] * 1
    #25902896 -

searching said:
Anything worthwhile is going to make you feel like quitting many many times. It's going to suck. Get used to it. It's going to make you feel like "this isn't for me" "why am I here". It's going to pay off if you keep at it and don't give up. Even if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel you have to keep going. Where has quitting gotten you so far? You want to keep quitting or are you done quitting?

Anoobus said:
Sounds like it could be adhd to me. It can be dehabilitating. In my case, I came down with a neurological disorder and  now my adhd is on steroids. Good luck and don't stop searching for answers.


I don't think this is good advice. You can't just blame your failures on adhd. The fact is most people have disadvantages in one way or another but it's up to you whether you are going to let it stop you or not. You don't need the Adderall. Just keep going one class at a time, one test at a time. Every day you go you should feel like a badass for not giving up. That's your motivation. Becoming a badass that didn't give up.


See i can agree with this. But its just one side of a coin that has two sides which i have equal faith in.  I need to know this side is more true than the other

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: NOUS333] * 1
    #25902915 -

NOUS333 said:
See i can agree with this. But its just one side of a coin that has two sides which i have equal faith in.  I need to know this side is more true than the other


if it is two sides of the same coin, then the truth is the coin and neither side is more true than the other

in contributing my own poor coin analogy
what way would you take forward if you flipped the coin but it landed on its edge?


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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: searching] * 2
    #25902929 -

By the way I was in the same situation as you in my second year of college. I just didn't know what I wanted to do and why I was even there learning stupid shit like history and English. I had a semester where I basically just stopped going and failed all of my classes. I was depressed and didn't have the drive to do it anymore. But in the end what kept me going was the fear of not having a degree and working at home depot or something. You can't own a house and a car and raise kids on that kind of money. The world is cruel like that. The thought of that scared the shit out of me.

So I just went back for more semesters and graduated. When I went back to get my bachelors degree I got to calculus and I failed again and it was the hardest class I ever had. I figured out that was one class I just had to study every single day for when I took it the second time. Now in the workplace I'm still struggling and want to give up. Many days I do just give up. I guess what I'm trying to say is life is always going to be one struggle after another but if you just keep getting up you can become a champion... Or you can live the rest of your life knowing that you gave up when it got tough.


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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: searching]
    #25902966 -

But I see what you're saying that maybe dropping out may also be your path that you want to pursue. I guess you just have to ask yourself what's the reason that makes you want to drop out? Is it because that's the future you want or if you're just doubting yourself on the course you're on?


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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: searching]
    #25903028 -

Do it.  You might find some meaning in it.  And read Walden and Lord of the Rings and watch some Chomskey youtube videos and think about life and the structure.  What are you capable of and what is lasting?

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: Barnaby]
    #25903034 -

And yes, you will always be you.  Take ruins to the ruins though I think your waking up a bit.  An Emerson quote.  Find your path.
'

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: searching] * 1
    #25903041 -

If it was me I would stick it out and graduate. Don't listen to these people without degrees and telling you to base your whole life around a mushroom trip or coin toss. I want the best for you and I think that means finishing college.

Even having a degree that you don't use can help you get a job over someone else. It's a good thing to put on your resume because it shows that you can stick with something and follow through with your goals.

You're half way there. Finish and then do what you want.

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: Lophosaurus]
    #25903162 -

lifes a bitch and then you die


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R

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Re: Im about to just walk away from my life. [Re: Oceanshoree] * 1
    #25903178 -

Or one has fun.  Get's fucked up a lot.  And just enjoys the amazing land of hypocrisy.  Getting back to oneself and then one realizes deeper meanings to all of life and existance and sees through people.

Worth this blink of an eye of mortal existence we all go through.  You have more allies then you realize on your journey.

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