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OfflineEkstaza
stranger thanmost
 User Gallery

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 4,317
Loc: Around the corner
Last seen: 14 days, 16 hours
Why am I who I am........
    #2565947 - 04/15/04 11:31 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I can't make decisions without second guessing myself thirty times. I can't even lock the door to my house without actually seeing that I have the keys in my hand. I'm pretty much burnt out with what I've spent a lot of time making my chosen profession. I don't even want to think of the utter torture it seems it will be to try to make a living doing something that I've grown to despise.

My major hobby or interest is researching drugs and when I talk about it with my friends they just think that I'm a total drug freak, even though I only use mushrooms or mescaline once every month or two when I can arrange to be in good company. People think that I must be doing all of these things that I have knowledge of.

My political views are completely backwards from the majority of the people that live in my area(conservative south). I don't seem to fit into any clear group of people I know. I'm a psychedelic using, meat eating, peace loving, liberty freak that still believes in his right to bear arms a go hunting when the mood hits him.

I don't fit in with the good ol' boys because I like Techno music and I'm not racist. I don't fit in with the clubbers because I'm too old. When I go to festivals, people shy away from me because I have short hair(actually losing quite a bit) and I don't have a beard.

Most days I don't want to speak to any living soul. I'd rather not give any one the chance to cut me off while I'm speaking. I guess that's why so many of my friends feel the urge to spill their guts to me all of the time. I think that I stopped caring because it always gets me crapped on for the effort. Besides the fact that, I physically cringe when certain people start to talk to me. I wish I didn't loath the sound of their voices.

Lately I have just been wondering how I became this way. I still hang out with friends but I feel that I must censor what I say around some of them. I put up with racist comments so that I don't get people pissed at me. Besides they all say that they are not racist anyways(it just sounds like it). I avoid people I love so that I don't have to tell them that sometimes they anoy the hell out of me. It just seems that I would do better away from people even though I love to have people around.

Also sometimes I just stop walking and stare into space thinking about what I'm going to do next. I'm literally standing there thinking, "What was I doing?", "Do I have everything ready to do it?", "What if I did this instead?", "Why am I just standing here thinking about it?", "What was it that I was going to do?", "Whatever, I'll do something else until I think of it?".

Does any of this make sense to anyone?
Let me in on it.


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YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH ANY GIVEN DRUG ISN'T THE DEFINITIVE MEASURE OF THE DRUGS EFFECTS.


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OfflineHahzist
Surfing theWaves of Chaos

Registered: 02/15/04
Posts: 214
Last seen: 4 years, 10 months
Re: Why am I who I am........ [Re: Ekstaza]
    #2566006 - 04/15/04 11:52 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

You sound like a cool guy! You would fit in great up here in Rhode Island :cool:. I mean we are not total druggies, but yah we do shrooms and stuff when we can get it. Talking about drugs is fun, it doesnt mean your an addict. Liberal is the way to go. Techno, psy-trance, Goa kicks ass! Being all dramatic and spilling your guts out to your friends sucks and should only happen if its completely necessary. Racists SUCK. I fuckin hate that crap. :mad2: :thumbdown:

Dude theres nothing wrong with you. Your just in the wrong place. Get out of there. Move to Boston, or come chill up here in Kingston Rhode Island (URI)  :smile: :thumbup:


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InvisibleZero7a1
Leaving YourWasteland

Registered: 10/23/02
Posts: 3,594
Loc: Passing Cloud
Re: Why am I who I am........ [Re: Ekstaza]
    #2566138 - 04/16/04 12:43 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I have the (almost) exact same problems. Im always second guessing myself, worrying about shit i dont need to worry about.

When my mom talks to me i wish i could just leave. I love her and all... but it just gets annoying, im always hearing about HER life, and what SHE is doing. Same with my brother, its worse when they are together... its like i just sit there.

My friends will talk to me sometimes, and they will talk to me about stuff i find important sometimes, but its a rarety that the ones i hang out with most of the time talk about something intellectually stimulating.

I love my friends and all, and i dont get as annoyed with them, but i do not want to get involved in any drama, and i dont want to be put in situations where im forced to make decisions between people. I like talking to my online friends the most, i guess thats why i spend so much time around here.

I as well wish i was in isolation sometimes, just away from everyone, so i could enjoy my life. I feel like now the majority of my time is soaked up by other people. Sometimes i forget im there and i just experience, sometimes i feel like i get walked on because of this.

What is your profession?

Sometimes i wonder if what im studying is what i really want to do, i like doing all sorts of things, but there is no job for that. I would strongly advise against doing something that you really dont enjoy. What will you have in 20 years when you have wasted all that time doing something you have despised? That will make you a very, VERY unhappy person.


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What?


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Offlinedaba
Stranger
 User Gallery

Registered: 12/30/02
Posts: 3,881
Last seen: 3 years, 10 months
Re: Why am I who I am........ [Re: Ekstaza]
    #2566436 - 04/16/04 03:25 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

I can't make decisions without second guessing myself thirty times.




"Whenever I had to make an important decision, I just make it and forgot about it."

- Ronald Reagan

Quote:

when I talk about it with my friends they just think that I'm a total drug freak




Read signature.


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Fold for The Shroomery!


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Offlinelittlejohn747
addict

Registered: 09/18/03
Posts: 462
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: Why am I who I am........ [Re: daba]
    #2566483 - 04/16/04 03:52 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I think i know where you are comming from.I was a very popular jock in high school that hung out with all the dirty hippies.You are a bit older than me for sure and I don't really have any advice for you because I am also in sort of the same position.I would go to their hippie gathering's and I sport the clean cut look and well if they weren't saying narc they wern't saying anything at all to me.I have learned that your true friends come back to you and let you come as you are(even if you don't know who that is yet) :rolleyes:.


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Offlinewaterbug
just a figment
Female

Registered: 01/06/04
Posts: 3,322
Loc: where i live they grow ou...
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
Re: Why am I who I am........ [Re: Ekstaza]
    #2567053 - 04/16/04 10:42 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

you fit in here just find here, we are all a bunch of outcasts, I certainly dont have everything in common with any of my friends, my best fried is straight edge, and she always thinks I take everything too far, when all I do is smoke a little pot, and occasionally trip on mushies. My other friends come from the haunted house I work at in october, they are : all black wearing, death metal people, and I dont like either of those things myself, but they like me because I am who I am.
I hope you start feeling better, and just continue to be that person that you are even if the edges arent that defined, much luck and love your way
lovin you
waterbug


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Girls Poop!


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Offlinefilthysock
puresoul

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 2,080
Loc: Bergen, Norway
Last seen: 10 years, 5 months
Re: Why am I who I am........ [Re: Hahzist]
    #2567337 - 04/16/04 12:42 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

Hahzist said:
You sound like a cool guy! You would fit in great up here in Rhode Island :cool:. I mean we are not total druggies, but yah we do shrooms and stuff when we can get it. Talking about drugs is fun, it doesnt mean your an addict. Liberal is the way to go. Techno, psy-trance, Goa kicks ass! Being all dramatic and spilling your guts out to your friends sucks and should only happen if its completely necessary. Racists SUCK. I fuckin hate that crap. :mad2: :thumbdown:

Dude theres nothing wrong with you. Your just in the wrong place. Get out of there. Move to Boston, or come chill up here in Kingston Rhode Island (URI)  :smile: :thumbup:




I second all of that (especially that Goa kicks ass!!! :headbang:).

I can relate to the people in this thread and you, man... you sound like a cool guy, just find other people to be with.


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Magic mushrooms are not addictive, the shroomery is!


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OfflineMollyDolly
Queen Rabbit

Registered: 04/13/04
Posts: 497
Loc: N.C., USA
Last seen: 12 years, 7 months
Re: Why am I who I am........ [Re: filthysock]
    #2567342 - 04/16/04 12:45 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

i have no friends...


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~~~~~*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*~~~~~


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OfflineProtester
Stoner ReekingHavok

Registered: 04/10/03
Posts: 361
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
Re: Why am I who I am........ [Re: MollyDolly]
    #2567457 - 04/16/04 01:17 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I have the same problem its goes so bad for takeing people critisim that when ever i hear people laughing or wispering i cant help but think its me that they are refering to. Its not as bad since i took a break from pot (since my boss threatened me w/ a dt) but its still there and makes it even more hard to even try to fit in so i usualy just sit there quit and rarely talk, and like you said Ekstaza my friends also dump all their problems on me because they know i will listen and i dont really mind it it always help me to stop thinking about myself for those brief moments. My supervisor at work has told me i should go see a shrink but i dont want to go that route agian all they do is fuck with my head and leave me more confused thinking what underlaying meanings my past has in my life today. Occassionaly i think of sucide but that never last long because i always end up realizing that there are a few people out there that do care about me no mater what i might be thinking and suddenly its not about me any more. Its all too stressful i think so damn much i keep a headache unless im stoned, and then my mind is in hyper drive thinking of even more shit. Not trying to jack your threa d just something i needed to get out and i wanted to let you know your not the only person out there thats like yourself.


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I work my shitty 9-5 and I pay my taxes, I'm not hurting anybody else. So why do you care what i do in my spare time.


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OfflineEkstaza
stranger thanmost
 User Gallery

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 4,317
Loc: Around the corner
Last seen: 14 days, 16 hours
Re: Why am I who I am........ [Re: Protester]
    #2569559 - 04/16/04 11:10 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Thanks everyone for your replies. It's go to know that there are others who feel and think the same way that you do.

About the job thing, I have figured out that I studied real hard to force myself to learn some thing that I had very little interest in, because it seemed like it would lead to a lucrative career. Well it may very well be just that but I'm not sure that I'll be happy doing it now. I'm going to just stick with it to see how it goes and hopefully I'm just being self defeatist right now.

My obsessive compulsions scare me a bit. I have a family member who has Obsessive Compulsive Dissorder and I've seen how debilitating it has been for him.

I do have one good friend that takes me as I am and actually doesn't consider me as a pet. He listens when I talk about things and he is open minded. Too bad that I only get to hang out with him every now and then because he lives about 4 hours away.

Anywho, thanks for the good words and peace to you all.


--------------------
YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH ANY GIVEN DRUG ISN'T THE DEFINITIVE MEASURE OF THE DRUGS EFFECTS.


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